A love that never leaves

Chapter 12: The things we love most

MISSION REPORT

WAITING IS THROUGH. THE MISSION ENDS NOW.

He doesn't want to do it. He doesn't. But orders are orders. Tucking the white notebook into his coat pocket, he takes a deep breath.

And he walks toward the little cabin.

*****

The bedroom is quiet. Kneeling on the bed, they face either other.

Staring blankly into his lap, Bucky is frozen in place. Across from him, all he can hear are her quick, short breaths, growing steadily faster the longer they sit in silence. Distantly, he notices his fingers are clenched so tight in the fabric of his threadbare sweatpants, they're moments from ripping apart.

"Say something," she finally whispers.

Bucky slowly looks up.

Blatant fear rests in her face, and it makes him want to wrap her in his arms. Soothe it away and tell her everything will be okay, that he understands what happened, and he knows why she did it and he loves her no matter what.

Those are the words he should give her. They sit on his tongue, ready to be used. And he wants to use them, he really really does. But he doesn't.

Because right now, Bucky has never felt so god damn lost in his entire life.

"What am I supposed to say?" he asks instead.

Shivering under the glare of his shocked disbelief, she fumbles her words. "I wanted to tell you Bucky, I did -"

She reaches for his arm and he involuntarily jerks away.

"But you didn't," he interrupts, and she recoils at the betrayal in his voice. "You didn't tell me."

Licking her lips, she tries again.

"I wanted - Bucky, I wanted to tell you so damn much. From the very beginning, but you were doing so well, and - and we were doing so well together, and I just wanted you to remember first. I wanted you to remember us first."

Once again, she tries to touch him and once again, he wrenches his arm away.

"So, you lied, instead," he says coldly.

Alarmed at the ice in his tone, she shakes her head. "No! I never lied to you Bucky, everything I told you was true. Everything about you and me, every single word, it was all true, you know that, you know it was, don't - please don't -" she chokes on the words as they tumble free.

Her fingers reach for him again. He pulls back again.

"How the hell do you expect me to believe you? You left out the most important part of the god damn story!"

"I know, shit, I know I shouldn't have, but I just - Bucky, you said before, you said it didn't matter - you said it wasn't - that it wasn't my fault, please!"

She reaches. He shies away.

Every time he withdraws from her touch, the light inside her dims. Finally, she stops trying. She tangles her fingers in her lap instead.

"That was - that was before I knew - you had to do that to those men, but - but I was - I was - how could you do that to me?" He hates the way his voice rises hysterically, but he can't stop it. The question is like a physical blow and she cowers from his words.

"Bucky, I'm so sorry -"

"You ruined my life!" he shouts, and she quits breathing. "Everything I was, you just - you took it. Who I was, where I came from, what I believed - you broke it all. You broke me."