The Art of Gravity

TOBIAS MITCHELL

I've screwed up.

Damn it, he's already so close. It's the fact that I'm allowing him to get close that's making me want to scream. Why'd he have to make it so hard to be close to him? Hell, to be away even.

I don't talk to Noah for a whole week, I completely ignore him. I could feel his eyes on me everywhere, but I refused to acknowledge them. He confuses me, makes want to hit something with a bat, but damn, I'd be lying if I said I didn't want him.

He was so oblivious, even when were kids. I had stared at him then more than he stared at me now. I remembered one particular evening, we were playing out in my back yard.

Noah had started talking about the stars again, while I dug through the dirt for worms.

"Hey Toby," he'd said, still using the shortened version of my name even after I'd told him to just call me Tobias.

"What do you want?" I'd responded, still cold hearted back then, not that Noah noticed.

"Why did you hold that girl's hand yesterday?" he asked, a pout on his face.

"Who, Lisa? She's my girlfriend," I said, not realizing that eight year olds didn't really have 'girlfriends.'

"I don't like her. She pushed me in the sandbox. I didn't even do anything, Toby. I just told her you were my friend and she got mad." Noah whines, pulling at the grass.

"Don't call me Toby."

"Hey Toby? Why don't you ever hold my hand like you hold Lisa's. You're my friend too!" Noah shouts, crossing his arms across his chest.

I sigh in irritation, "Boys don't hold each other's hands, Noah."

"Says who?" Noah argues, reaching forward and grabbing my dirt covered hand.

I gasp at the feeling, staring up at Noah with wide eyes. His palm was warm on my skin, and he smiled at me, dimples on display with his platinum blonde curls bouncing.

"See. Doesn't feel any different than holding a girl's." Noah said, squeezing my palm in his.

"Yeah, sure. Whatever..." I'd said, but I had held Noah's hand until his mother called him in for dinner. My heart had still been racing even when he had gone.

That's when I realized I'd liked Noah.

The memory was a pleasant one that I hoped would never disappear. Others weren't as pleasant, and the ones that I wanted to disappear didn't.

Noah was so fragile. If I squeezed just a little too hard, he'd break. Sometimes I wished he wouldn't pry. I was scared that he'd figure things out that he shouldn't. I was scared that when he did, he'd leave, just like everyone else. I was scared that if he stayed, and I blowed up, if he was too close...

I just didn't want to risk it. Yet, I've allowed him to get closer and closer. I talk to him about serious things, things I never tell anyone. I never showed anyone that place, I never told anyone why I went there, what I did.

He knew so much and so little at the same time. He was going to get hurt, it was inevitable. I just hoped that I could lessen the pain somehow.

•. •. •.

"Tobias."

I ignore him, and continue walking down the school steps. I can hear his footsteps following closely behind me.

"Tobias, please... What did I do?" He asks.

I stop, his words shocking me. He thought it was him? He thought it was something he did?

I sigh, running a hand through my hair, and tilt my head up towards the sky.

"Nothing," I tell him, "You've done nothing."

I continue walking, making my way towards my car. He continues to follow me, and I try hard to keep control of myself.

"Then what's wrong? Why are you avoiding me? We're acquaintances, right?"

I reach my car, reaching through my pockets to find my keys.

"I have a reason." I say, unlocking the car door.

"And that is...?" Noah asks, confusion and a bit of hurt etched into his face.

I sigh, slipping inside the car, "Noah,  do you ever wonder why I never talked to you? Why I never said 'hey' to you in the hallways? Why I never acknowledged you at all?"

He blinks, mouth open in shock at the dark tone of my voice.

"You never talked to anyone — I — It wasn't you. That was never you..." He says, frowning.

"And you'd know, right? You watch... But you still don't understand... Ignorance still in your bones..."

"I never understood you. Even back then, you were hard to read. I'll never understand when you don't tell me anything." He says, looking anxious.

"I don't tell anyone anything, okay? You should know better than to pry. You should listen to me, listen to what I'm saying because it's still not registering in your head. I'm not good for you. I do bad things. I hurt people for money. I could hurt you—"

"Yeah, but you won't. You never did! Not back then, and you won't now! You act like we're strangers! We've lived beside each other for ten years, dammit! And you said so yourself, that you'd never hurt me—" He says, and I cut him off because he's causing people to look over at us.

"I said I didn't want you to get hurt, not that I wouldn't. And we are strangers. We know nothing about each other. So, stop fucking screaming. Get your head out of the past. We were kids—"

"No, Tobias. We were friends whether you want to admit it or not. I don't know why you left. I don't care. But you don't understand how happy I was when you said we were acquaintances. If you don't want me... If you don't want me around, just say it."

I couldn't. This entire conversation was fucking up my brain. How'd we even get to this?

"Say it." He repeats, searching my eyes boldly.

I didn't. I couldn't. I didn't want to stay away from him.

He nods to himself, and starts to back away from my car.

"Come over tonight." He says, and I shake my head.

"I can't do that. Not with you..."

"Why not? Why not with me?" he asks, sighing out in frustration.

"You're tempting."

That's all I said, before I pulled out of the parking lot and drove away.