I wish you told me. One minute you were here and then the next you were gone. Thoughts were racing through my head. I wanted you to be there with me forever. I can't remember a time when you weren't here next to me. I wish I had just a little more time. Just one more second to call your name. Just a few minutes where you could hold on to me. If I could turn back time and apologize for all the fights we had. All the times I knew I was wrong but didn't want to admit it. The thought that I refused to apologize. The fact that I knew I should because you didn't have much time left hit me like a brick once I realized you were gone and was never going to come back. I can't believe I forgot about you losing to the hard battle that was damaging you from the inside out. It's no excuse but it slipped my mind. I am so sorry, please forgive me.
Pulling on a dark grey hoodie and grabbing my umbrella and raincoat I head out my apartment to go and make my way to see you. Looking up at the sky I sigh and think about how the weather describes my exact mood, gloomy, sad, miserable, depressed. I walk the streets of Seoul so I can finally get to you and say a final goodbye.
It hurts so bad to know I will never be in your presence once this day comes to an end. I have no right to go and see you, but I need to. I need you to know that I still love you, and I won't forget you as long as you stay here in my heart. You taught me so many things. You were my the one person I could call home. Whenever something was wrong I knew you would be there for me, but that's no longer the case.
Reaching an intersection I stopped seeing as the light was red for pedestrians. Finally I looked up to observe all the people around me. They all looked so happy being with their friends, family, and loved ones. A spark of jealousy started to rush through my body as my vision started to blur with tears. I wiped my eyes to prevent more from falling down. I pulled up the hood from my sweatshirt so it was covering more of my drained, pale face. I lowered my head once again and saw the reflection of the light change from the bright red to the brighter green color. As it changed I hurriedly made my way across the street.
As I'm walking I recall all of the fun times we had ever since we were little. My fondest memory was the time our parents took us to the park for a picnic when we were five years old. It was so warm that day, we didn't have to worry about anything. Mean kids, failing classes, all the drama to come, and all the feelings that would occur was not a burden to us because we were careless kids living in the moment not preparing for what was about to hit us. We ran around in the fields, played on the swingsets, and danced to random songs we could come up with. Looking back at the moment in time brought a small smile to my face.
I had arrived at the tall building right in front of me with large words that read SEOUL NATIONAL HOSPITAL. Taking my hood down and closing my umbrella I release a sigh that I have been holding onto since the day I received the dreadful news. I walked through the clear glass doors and asked the nice lady at the front desk which room you were in. Nodding my head to her response I made my way towards the elevator and pressed the button that would take me to the third floor, which was the floor you were staying on. As the door opened in front of me I stepped in and pressed the button with the number three on it. The metal doors closed and I felt the elevator move upwards.
For the short amount of time I was in the elevator more thought started to run around my head and my breath hitched. What was I to expect when I walked into your room? Will I get to apologize? Was I too late to say goodbye? Would you forgive me? My thoughts were interrupted by the ding of the elevator signaling I was to get out of the cramped space. Collecting my composure I walked out of the elevator in search of room 313. I walked down the white hallways and finally reached your room.
I stood outside of the brown, wooden door that lead to your room for a few minutes until I found the courage to knock. Hearing a soft reply from a weak voice I grab the door handle and walk into your room. What I see in front of me scares me. So many wires. So many machines beeping. It is all attached to your small, frail, almost lifeless body. As I walk closer to you, your eyes light up and a small smile comes upon your face when I take a seat in the beige chair next to your bed. I close my eyes and take a deep breath before saying, "I'm sorry." I look you in the eyes as you lean over to me pulling me into a hug and say, "It's okay. I love you. I'm sorry." Knowing what you meant I broke out into a sob as you went motionless.
The machines beeped faster as doctors and nurses rushed into your room taking you away. Knowing I had to get out of the hospital as fast as I could I grabbed my umbrella and ran. The rain was coming down harder than before but I didn't care. I kept running as fast as I could. Before I knew it I was once again outside my apartment. I shakily pressed the numbers into the keypad that would allow me access to inside my "home". Quickly I rushed in and slammed the door behind me. I walked towards my room and laid down on the bed not caring that my clothes were soaking wet.
Looking up at the sky light above me I wondered if you were up there. Were you one of them. One of the many stars looking down on us. "I love you too," I whispered out into nothingness. It was quiet here in my home. Oh so quiet. And in that moment is when I broke down. You weren't going to come back and I don't know how I am supposed to live without when you were the one of gave life a meaning to me in the first place.
