Signal Fire | Vicerylle

KARYLLE

Life is all about turning the tables first on others before anyone could do it to you: at least for Karylle, that is the essence of life. It’s all about feeling the power of beating someone into causing pain before they could do it to her, which she’s certain would happen anytime soon. It’s how humans survive, anyway. They have to take advantage of someone in one way or another. They would rather hurt someone than get hurt themselves. They would rather pull the strings and orchestrate one elaborate prank than be the one dangling on the strings, manipulated by everybody else.

Fortunately for K, she was always given the chance to do the former. Every single time.

A meek-looking boy made his way through the crowd carrying a huge bouquet of flowers over his head, nervous yet thrilled, to see his muse who has just stepped down from the stage after her crew was announced as this year’s streetdance champion. The crowd paid him no attention, and he’s used to that, after all he was never the outgoing type. He couldn’t even believe himself until now that he’s actually here, struggling to fit in, but for her, he would basically do anything. “Congratulations.” he said, his sweet smile unwavering but still a little bit unsure.

She carefully dabbed the sweat beads all over her face to avoid smudging her make up. She was too preoccupied by victory to appreciate his coming here; she wasn’t even surprised to see him knowing he doesn’t like to socialize so much. She took the flowers from him and started to walk away with him tailing behind her. “Thank you. Anong ginagawa mo dito?”

“I wanted to see you.”

She turned her head to glance at him and kept walking. They walked past their crew’s dressing room and stopped at the nearest corner, she stood firm with her back against the wall. “I can’t do this. This… relationship that you want.” she said after a long pause, her face void of any expression.

He heard this countless times before, but it never fails to break his heart every time. “Bakit?” It was a stupid question, but he had to ask. There are only a few things in the world that he would bother knowing why, and this is probably the number one question he would never dare miss to ask. “Bakit hindi?” he asked again.

“Because it’s not supposed to end up like this. Lahat nang nangyari, it doesn’t mean anything. Or at least not in the way that you think.”

He looked straight into her eyes for the first time she could ever remember. “Mahal kita, alam mo naman yun diba?” he said without even blinking.

She nodded silently and made up her mind. Maybe for him, saying those words without blinking would make her understand that his intentions are pure, but it actually made a total opposite impression. For her, it was the first step of being capable to hurt someone: being able to lie without blinking. It’s only a matter of time before he leaves her for someone or for something else. Whichever the case is, she’d rather beat him to it and break his heart now before he breaks hers soon. “Alam ko.” she responded. “And that’s where it goes wrong.”

He shook his head desperately, as if doing that would make her take back what she said. “Karylle… Hindi kita maintindihan eh.” he took her hands into his and squeezed them softly. “I love you, okay? Ito na, sinasabi ko na yung hindi ko masabi dati sa kahit kanino. Mahal na mahal kita.”

Karylle let go of his hands and leaned in to kiss him. “Sorry.” she said when she broke away from the kiss. “But I’m thankful all the same that you opened up for me.” she walked away and left him confused, somehow complete but moreso incomplete, ultimately found and then lost again.

-----

“So… four down.”

Karylle jumped in shock when she entered their dressing room and a very deep yet familiar voice welcomed her. “Billy! Bwisit ka.” she had one hand on her heart and hit him with the bouquet of flowers she was holding in her other hand.

Billy shook his head in disapproval and crossed his arms. He overheard their conversation as he was on his way to the room, eager to congratulate his best friend. He almost felt sorry for the guy, but more sorry for Karylle. “Pwede ka namang tumigil anytime eh.”

“Isa na lang naman.”

“It’s a stupid initiation. And you don’t need a sorority to define yourself as someone important or powerful. Because you really are. Kahit wala silang lahat.”

Karylle chose to ignore the latter part as she was too tired to argue over this issue again. “Well at least super mild nung nakuha kong initiation rites. Yung isa ngang co-app ko she has to run for university elections. I wasn’t supposed to tell you that kaya wag mo na pagsabi. Point is, mine isn’t so bad.”

He sighed in defeat; there’s just no way to change her mind especially now that she’s one step closer to her ‘dream’. “It’s not even about the sorority anymore, this is about you. Your issues.”

“He’d remember this in a good way. His first love broke his heart, and since then he became better. It’s not so bad an experience.” Karylle said after a long pause. She set the bouquet down and grabbed her gym bag to change.

“Or it could happen the other way around.”

She mulled it over, as if to check if she really believes what she had just said, or if she was just reassuring herself that she feels no remorse or guilt with what she’s doing. “It’s entirely up to him what to make out of it.” Karylle shrugged without turning her head to face Billy, and then left the room.

-----

It is such a huge relief every day for Karylle that not one of her four almost-but-not-quite do not belong to the same college as she does. The campus is too huge to rely on chance meetings, and she’d prefer not to turn them down again and again or else she might even start doubting if she’s still doing what’s best for everyone.

The idea might be so fucked up but she actually believes she’s doing them a favor by hurting them – they have to be cracked open now so they could deal with more pain in the future, pain that’s more real and derailing, none compared to the superficial pain she caused them. It would just be like briefing them for something bigger that’s yet to come.

“Hindi ka ba uuwi bukas?” Billy asked while they were on their way to their first class.

Karylle shook her head distractedly in response and went on eyeing around the building, hoping to spot a member of the soro she could report to.

“Long weekend naman ah.”

“Eh.”

“Karylle?” she turned around to see someone unfamiliar. Her forehead creased unconsciously as she tries to place this image with a name but she couldn’t.

“Yes?”

“I wouldn’t bother to introduce myself, hindi naman ako ganun ka-importante katulad mo eh. Nandito lang ako para sabihin ‘to sayo up front just in case wala pang nakakapagsabi. Putangina mo.”

Karylle and Billy were both shocked with what they’ve heard and as he was about to speak up to defend his friend, the girl went on with her sermon. “You heard me right. Gusto mo kasi yung mga lalaki na umiikot lang yung mundo sayo. Once they start breaking out of that intricate trap you’ve set up, you dispose them for good and leave them all caged and stuck on you. You build them up, stitch their emotional wounds, and then exploit them, ruin them in the most beautiful way. And you move on to the next fragile boy you see, your next pawn in a game of chess that you are both king and queen. That is who you are, Karylle. And you will never change. You are the best player in the game, take pride on that if you want to. Pero walang larong hindi natatapos, and when your time comes, I just wish you lose miserably you can’t even pick yourself up to start again. You deserve it, you heartless bitch.” the stranger did not even blink or pause for a second, she was calm yet her tone was enough to shake Karylle. She stood there, her mouth slightly open, as she watched the stranger walk away from her.

“Hoy!” Billy called out to the girl but she kept on walking. He was about to follow her when K took him by the arm a bit too tightly, her hands suddenly cold.

“Wag na.” Karylle managed to say weakly.

Lolz hello mga beh I'm back-la :))