He sat at the corner of the room, cautious not to attract attention either from his professor for sitting too far from the rest of the class and be called out for recitation or from his classmates who could try to strike a conversation with him. He set down his bag on a chair beside him clearly stating that he doesn’t entertain seatmates.
An attendance sheet was passed onto him and after signing his name, hindi na niya binalik pa ito sa harapan niya and will keep it until the class ends. He would personally hand it to the professor before he leaves the room. Not that he’s trying to be noticed, ayaw lang niya talagang kumausap ng kahit sino as much as possible.
This semester’s subjects are so much easier for him when his anxiety is taken into consideration. He was required to take up communication classes for the past semesters and for the last subject in the series, he had to deliver an extemporaneous speech to pass. It was a relatively easy subject and most students get a line of uno but he barely passed the subject and only got a 3. If only it wasn’t required, he would’ve dropped it and take more difficult subjects in exchange so he wouldn’t endure his fear of public speaking.
The large class is held in an auditorium and as he was seated at the back of the room, he could oversee everyone’s backs and heads busy talking to each other. Any normal human being has friends, close or not, true or not – except for him. Not that he needs or wants one, anyway.
“I have decided what your final requirement will be which is 20% of your grade. This is basically an application of everything we’ve discussed for the entire semester. Think of something, anything, that we do or see everyday and explain the underlying principles of physics behind it and then defend it in front of a panel. Hindi niyo na kailangang gumawa ng concept or research paper, oral defense lang. Pretty hardcore so pair work na lang. Find a partner now.” sabi ng prof 15 minutes before the class ends. Naging maingay naman ang lahat na kumokontrata sa sari-sarili nilang partners, except for that one guy at the very back of the room who doesn’t seem bothered to look for one. Sa nakikita niya, lahat may ka-pair na maliban sa kanya, and that’s probably the best thing that has ever happened to him the entire month. He wouldn’t have to deal with some random person na kailangan din naman niyang pilitin tumulong, kaya nga sa instances na may group project ang isa niyang subject, it usually ends up with him doing everything. He’d rather do it by himself than cram with everybody else. His biggest worry is he has to speak in front of a crowd again, but the fact that he’s doing this for a major subject somehow makes it easier to bear.
“Gamitin niyo na lang yung natitirang time ngayon to plan with your respective partners. Matagal pa naman ‘to so you have ample time to come up with something clever. Hindi naman ‘to kasing grand ng isang research fair but still give it your best.” the professor was packing his things, getting ready to leave, so he made his way through to hand the attendance sheet.
“Sir, wala po akong partner... I’ll work on my own instead.” he said shyly. He had to muster every courage he has just so he could talk to someone other than his therapist.
“Are you sure? Ayaw mo bang maki-trio na lang?”
Umiling-iling naman siya and managed a small and awkward smile. “Okay lang po, wag na lang.”
The professor scanned the attendance sheet and saw the last student’s number odd. Chineck niya isa isa ang mga pangalan and saw one with ‘dropped’ written beside it. “Oh, hindi na nga kayo odd eh. May nag-drop na last week so dapat may pair ka, 48 na lang kayo eh. Teka.” he went through the list again and finally spotted a blank space on the signature column and had his finger run across the paper to match it with a name. “Absent lang yung isa… Si Ms. Ana Karylle Tatlonghari? Do you know her? Siya na lang yung partner mo.” he smiled at his student and gathered his things then left the room, leaving Vice obviously shocked.
He has a partner, and she’s missing. Now he has to find her, talk to her, deal with her and her shit, and she has to deal with his, too.
He frowned, the only expression he has mastered, and sighed. Socializing is such a nightmare for him.
----
“Any nightmares this week?” Vhong leaned back on his chair and examined Vice carefully. Sinusubukan niyang basahin ang expression ng mukha ni Vice and he settled with ‘disappointment’.
Vice shrugged and shook his head, his gaze fixed on the floor. “Wala.”
“Isn’t that a good thing? Bakit mukha kang dismayado?”
“Will I ever be able to get over this?” he asked after a long pause.
Vhong leaned in and clasped his hands on the table. “You want to get better, Vice. Hindi mo lang siguro maamin yun sa sarili mo kasi natatakot ka sa consequences once you ‘start over’, but you wanna try.”
He let off a forced and sarcastic laugh while rubbing his scar on his upper lip. “I couldn’t even let anyone touch me. Hindi ako makapagsalita nang hindi kinakabahan, aaminin ko kahit hanggang dito, hanggang ngayon kinakabahan pa rin ako.” Vice sighed and stuck his tongue in his cheek. “I have long reconciled with the fact that I’m gonna be alone as long as I live.”
“It’s too early to say that.”
“Ten years after and I’m still whining about it. Is it still too early?”
Vhong sighed and wrinkled his eyebrows. “Mabuti kang tao Vice eh, you’ll have no trouble making friends if you just try. Try. It’s the best and most effective advice I could give you, kasi this thing, all of this, it starts and stops with you and you alone. You have to try.”
“When I was 11, I’ve almost beaten someone my age to death dahil sa galit ko.” Vice confessed, pausing to let his words sink into his therapist. Hindi naman nag-iba ang expression ng mukha ni Vhong. He went on with his story. “They took it as the first sign that I had to see a therapist to help me cope, pero alam kong I didn’t need one. I don’t need someone to tell me that I… That I could grow up to be someone like him. Violent. Abusive. Dominant. Pero natatakot ako maging kagaya niya paglaki ko. Ayoko. Ayoko. Ayoko.” he shook his head over and over again, on the verge of crying. His scars and welts seem to bring an intense yet imaginary pain, and he’s back to his 9-year old helpless self again.
“Hindi ka magiging katulad niya, okay? We won’t let that happen. You’re nothing like him.”
“I’m made up of him.” he said, emphasising every word. He feels like Oedipus who could accidentally fulfill a prophecy despite his efforts not to. “I could be like him, alam ko. Kaya nga iniiwasan ko. Circumstances push me to either be violent or sad, and I gladly choose the latter. I’d rather choose the latter.”
They both fell silent for a while until Vice spoke again. “I am a suppressed evil.”
YOU ARE READING
Signal Fire | Vicerylle
FanfictionSilence is their language, and love is their lifeline.
