Demons in ones head

Rambling

I am so sorry for all my hesitations. I am drowned by my dark thoughts again and it scares me. I can see you slipping away. I can see you not feeling the same. I don't know. It hurts so much. But i am trying with all my might to stay. Not because i like to, but because i love you. I know i do. I shouldn't feel this weak. You were in this scene before too. I have been back and forth with you. I was on and off with what i felt for you back then. That is why if you made it, i should to. Not so you can win your revenge if thats what it is, but for me to show you that what i feel is real. That head to toe i am am yours. I love you. Since that very day i truly ended things with Sy. It was actually your graduation day. I decided i would never ever let go of you. It was because your absence made me long for you. Each time someone else would touch me, i get nervous about how you would feel. I get ashamed even just being near people who you might feel uncomfortable with. Because i love you. I would always be stating that reason because that is how my heart beats. It may sound sappy as fuck to you but i mean that. People who knew what happened back then would always tell me to stop this. But they dont know how we sailed through the storm. How i shed tears because of the pain. But with the pain i know and realized how much i love you. It sucks that the vision of you cheating is still stuck in my head and i am sorry about that. But my heart would keep asking me can i last a day not seeing you? Can i last a day not hearing you sing songs that would intimidate me ? Can i wake up not being able to see your brown eyes? Can i sleep without u beside me? Can i eat without thinking if you've already eaten? Can i be in my bed without hugging you? They say i could because i did it in the past like with my previous 6 yrs relationship with her. But NO. I CANT. You are my it. It hurts so much that i really want to be okay not seeing visions of how i got my scars. I hate them it reminds me of how you have hurt me. But there was this friend that told me that i should learn to love my scars because they are proof of how strong i am now  after going through all those shit. It scares me to feel that way again. I admit i still lay in bed having thoughts of death not because i enjoy that. I wish i could explain how much it scares me. I dont wanna die not getting all my dreams for you and i. I love you. I got stuck with you the day i decided yo end things with Sy. I would admit i have had several attempts to find someone else but you know what each time i even attempt to i always end up crying and stop. I cant. I tried. But my heart would always seem to shout your name. And i cant change that.  The witch has had attempts and it irritates me to the point that i blocked her again. I know your pissed about me and her being friends on social media. But i was actually wanting to make her see that i did the right choice and that i have moved on. So she should to. But it made me always realize when we i get to have conversations with her the reason WHY I STOPPED LOVING HER and why i can never choose her ever again. And just so you know the day you went with me at the hospital when grandma was there, it really meant so much to me just so you know.  That is also why i would always choose to love you. I love you love. I wish you know. I wish i have the strength to tell you all this but i was actually hoping you would see it than me telling you about all of this. I love you and i mean that so much.