C'mon. C'mon. C'mon.
I sat impatiently on the bathroom floor, my legs crossed indian-style. I rocked back and forth slightly, crossing my fingers and squeezing my eyes closed in attempts to bring any form of miracle to this situation that I was in right now: me waiting for the results of this pregnancy test.
I wanted this, I wanted this so bad that I could and probably would cry. Justin and I have been trying to have a baby for what felt like forever, but in reality it was only a couple of months. But, every time that I felt like I was actually pregnant or that the next time was going to be different than all of our past attempts, it wasn't.
The timer on my phone went off, and with a shakily hand I swiped the dismiss bar so the noise would stop. I took a deep breath and picked up the stick that was lying on the edge of the bath tub. Please, please, please let this be it. I closed my eyes and opened them slowly only to see 'negative' written big and clear on the little screen.
My heart fell to my stomach and I threw the wand against the wall of the bathroom in frustration before bringing my hands up to my face and letting all of my tears of irritation fall down my face carelessly.
Why is this not working?
I heard the front door open and close from down stairs and a happy voice yell into the quietness that consumed the house, "I'm home, babe!"
I didn't move, though. I couldn't move. My heart hurt and I felt energy less, I wasn't pregnant, I wasn't going to bring a baby into this world, and I hated every moment of this whole situation.
The lack of response probably scared Justin because moments later he bust through the bathroom door. When he took in the scene in front of him, he knew exactly what had just happened: tears were falling down my face, a pregnancy test was thrown on the opposite side of the bathroom, and the empty wrapper and box lied besides me on the floor.
Justin let out a sigh and sat down next to me, wrapping me into his big warm arms, "Baby-"
"I don't get it," I cried, "We've tried everything. Am I not able to get pregnant? Is there something wrong with me?"
Justin ran his warm hand up and down my arm comfortingly, "Nothing is wrong with you," he whispered, "Now is just not the time, that's all this means."
That's what all of the past tries have meant.
We stayed quiet for a while, Justin still holding me in his arms, "I want this so bad," I finally said, breaking our silence.
Justin smiled slightly, before pressing his lips to my forehead, "I want it just as bad, but it will happen. God has a plan for us, and when he decides to bless us with a child I know for damn sure you'll be a great mom."
I let out a little laugh, and wiped at my dried up tears, "I love you."
"I love you more," Justin chuckled, squeezing my body into his.
2 months later
"I'll be back in an hour! Scooter wants me to meet him down at the office for a meeting about my release dates for the next album," Justin called from the living room.
I was standing in front of the island in our kitchen, cutting up the produce that I had just bought from the grocery store a couple nights prior. Justin walked into the kitchen with a smile and kissed me goodbye, "I'll be back."
"Have fun, tell Scooter I said hey," I responded, kissing his lips one last time before he walked towards the kitchen doorway.
"I will, bye baby."
