insecurities...

Prolonge

"Fuck" I yell at him, " what the actual fuck, how could you do that ?" I practically scream, " I trusted, I even fucking loved you..."I cut off, realizing what I just said, am so close to crying right now, but I won't give him the satisfaction of seeing me break down. I stare at his perfectly defined cheekbones that could cut through steel, at his icy blue eyes, his hair that reaches just below his ears, thats so black that it's such a contrast from the rest of him, and I stop at his lips those damn lips, that got me in this situation in the first place.

I turn around and walk back to my car, I keep my fists balled up cause am afraid if I let them go I might beat the shit out of him or break down. He just stood there as I poured my heart out to him, knowing fully well that am not one to admit my own feels to myself let alone someone else, but I did for him, and he acted like it meant nothing, like I was nothing. I'm trying to walk to my car and not run, to show him that I don't care as much as he thought I did, when In actual fact I cared so much more, but it seems as if the car is on the other side of the continent, it feels as if I've been walking towards it forever. I'm trying so hard with every fiber of my body to not look back at him, to not give him that, cause if I do turn around for just one more look at him, just more more glance for just a split second and he's smiling or grinning I might lose it.

Just as I reach the car and open the door, I feel him grab at my wrist and pull me towards him, pinning me between him and the car closing the door I had just opened, his still holding my wrist and I feel his gaze on me, put I can't look at him, I can't look in those dark blue eyes that are so blue I swear they could be diamonds, I keep my eyes toward the ground. " Carter " he whispers so softly that his raspy voice is barely audible but I catch every syllable of my name. I keep my mouth shut because if I speak...

It's as if time stands still, his still looking at me, his hands both of them are now holding both my wrists, his just close enough that I can feel his breath on me. It seems as if his battling with himself because every time I think his about to speak again he keeps quiet as if putting his thoughts together. All I want to do is wrap my hands around him, place my hands in his, crash my lips against him and tell him everything is okay I understand, but I can't... he has to open up to me now, if he doesn't then am done am done for good.

"Lex" I shakingly whisper back. I feel his breathing quicken and he grips my hands tighter, it happens so quickly so unexpected he moves down while still holding me and kisses me. I'm so stunned, the kiss is so hard with no room for me to respond, to push him away or inhale him in. It's like there an electric current flowing through us, restarting every nerve in my body, and as soon as the kiss came is as soon as it's over. I can't even comprehend what just happened, when he lets go of me, and says a bit louder then before, " I won't lie to you, I know I have before, fuck I know I have messed up, in every way possible, but ... I don't feel the same way about you, I never have, you were there, and I wanted something different, I never meant to go this far, I know I've fucked up, but if we can go back to the way things were..."

" to what " I cut him off, now am pissed, he could have just let me drive off and live my life and he could have meet another girl at another party that he could fuck around with, but he had to come after me and make shit more complicated. " what were we before " I shout at him, and he takes a step away from me, knowing very well what am capable of. I try to keep my anger in check, because if I do something to him I will hate myself. It's as if am angry and sad at the same time right now, I put my hands through my hair as if to calm myself down or rationalize what he's asking.

" I can't go back to being your secret, I can't go back to being someone you only want to talk to or fuck when we alone or when things get shitty that's only when you need me, i can't keep doing this to myself ! " I half shout half cry. He still stands there quiet, hands now in his pocket, emotionless, I want him to say something anything, I want him to fight for me, I want him to do something. I turn around and open the car door and jump in, I look at him for some sign some look but there nothing, he's still standing there looking at the grey concrete as if it has an answer.

I bang the door and start the car and drive off, with him in my rear view mirror. I keep looking at him until, I turn the corner. He was the last thing keeping me in this god forsaken dead end town, there's nothing stopping me from going, just keep on driving until I run out of gas or road. I want to break down and cry and break shit but at the same time I feel as if a weight has been lifted off me, for the first time in a while I feel optimistic for what and where this road will lead me.