Every hour some one was checking on me. It was so annoying, I dont understand why I had to be saved.The doctor informed me that i had to see a therapist and that I couldnt leave until they thought I was better and wouldnt try to hurt myself anymore. But what they dont know is im really good at acting and I can hide shit really well.
"Your mom would likek to see you Jessica." Dr.Bates said.
"Yeah well I dont wanna see her." I spoke with an attitude.
She walked out and i saw her go out to the waiting room where i suspect my mom was. I suspected she was telling her right now that I was not in a good place to have visitors right now instead fo telling her that i dont want to see her. Why not just tell her the truth instead of lying. I dont care if it wouold hurt her. She hurt me everyday. EVERYDAY. I'd never say that I dont love my mom but she never acted like she cared. I looked down at my wrist and for the first time actually noticed the bandages, I reached over with one hand and and started peeling the bandage off of that arm and then did it to the other side. I sat there and stared for a few minutes before i started crying. Not because i tried to kill myself but because I tried and didnt succeed. Im a failure at that too. Maybe next time ill succeed ill end it all. Ill make everyone else happy, because I don't deserve to be happy. I just wanna be loved, I wanna find that light again. I remember wheni still had that light in my eyes, when i had friends, when people cared. I rememeber what it was like to laugh... well sort of. I havnt had that feeling in years but id love to have it again. Maybe i can have it when im buring in hell. There will be light in my eyes, a different kind fo fiery light, but it will be there. I can laugh and joke with the devil while we discuss why I did it and we plan our revenge on the people that did this to me. Im never gonna get the chance to try again bc im never gonna leave this place because im never gonna get better. I sat there staring at my wrist wishing i wouldve cut deeper, wishing i wouldve bled out faster. These scars will forever be apart of my life. Now I have to live with the pain of the though that I failed at the only thing I thought I was good at. I shouldve died, why did that asshole of a teacher have to save me? Why couldnt he laugh like he did everyday at school.
I sat up and started screaming. " THIS ISNT FAIR! I JUST WANNA DIE! WHY CANT YOU PEOPLE JUST LET ME DIE?! YOU TELL ME TO DIE EVERY DAMN DAY AND THEN YOU STOP ME! JUST LET ME END IT" The nurses run in and page ther doctor. They are trying to calm her down but she kept jerking up and pulling away. Pulling at the IV. Pulling it out tryign to get up. "DAMNIT JUST LET ME GO. LET ME LEAVE. SEND ME HOME. SEND ME TO THE MORGUE. PLEASE PLEASE JUST DONT KEEP ME HERE. I DONT WANNA BE HERE. IM NOT SICK, IM JUST A DEAD GIRL LIVING IN A BODY. IM NOTHING I DONT DESERVE TO BE HERE. I DONT DESERVE TO BE A LIVE. MY MOM SHOULD BE IDENTIFYING MY BODY RIGHT NOW NOT SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM WHILE YOU LIE TO HER AND TELLHER IM NOT IN A GOOD PLACE TO SEE HER INSTEAD OF TELLING HER THAT I DON'T WANT HER HERE!" They finally got her restrained and ended up sudating her. They fixed the IV and rebandaged her wrist so you couldnt see the the long bright red virtical cuts that are now bleeding because in all the events the stiches had broke and so they neeed to be restiched.
