Believe it or not, there's art at the end, I mean, vents, obviously, but skip to that if you like, or click off, it's all cool
I'm sorry for this, by the way. I don't rlly know where else to put it
I'll get straight to the point. I have my first ever therapy appointment tomorrow
We made it last weekend. My parents are always trying to convince me to go, mic too, and I've been rlly reluctant bc I know I don't need it,, well I mean, I shouldn't say that, I'm keeping an open mind during the actual thing, but everything in me is telling me it's a bad idea. I'm a fifteen year old who hates myself and my body and I have shitty coping mechanisms. I'm not special. The only difference between me and everyone else is that I can't deal with anything bc I'm very weak, and I'm working on that, the only way for me to solve it is by forcing myself to be stronger, not by getting yet more exterior help. I shouldn't burden people, I'm not worth it, I'm not worth their time, my standards are way too low and I need to raise them. I need to raise them so much higher
Selfishly,, I've wanted to go to therapy even longer than I've been suggested to. Or a counselor? Is it that or a therapist? What the fuck me, you want to go into psych or at least learn more about it, why don't you know this?? But yea, I have. I know it's meant for people who actually need it but there thought of paying someone to help me help myself,, wanting so badly to feel happy most of the time again,, wanting to be stupidly ignorant and content in my naivety, not aware of all my dumbass mistakes,, it sounds absolutely entrancing. I want it. I shouldn't, but I do
I think,, that's why I gave in
Last weekend was typical, I could feel the bad thoughts coming, I knew I'd be up for hours and get no sleep worrying. Being the mama's girl I am,, I surprised myself. I went to my parents and talked to them about whatever came to mind, and eventually, I agreed to make an appointment
I,, don't rlly know details. My mom called my doctor and found someone she claims is super sweet. I trust therapists/counselors/fuck, and I'll treat whatever she says as true, but I can't help dreading what feels like an inevitable result: she'll come back and say I'm fine, I don't need professional help, I'm jus a bratty kid who doesn't know how to control myself. Even my parents agree with me that I prolly won't go back again, but I worry it'll be bc I shouldn't have in the first place, not bc I actually needed the help
I feel so overwhelmed at such stupid times. Helping people gives me this surge of joy yet I can never be sure they're not jus being nice, or if I've actually made things worse, or if I'm overbearing, or if I'm annoying, or whatever other bad traits I can come up with to describe myself. There's a whole lot. My brain is this fully loaded roulette wheel of subjects to worry about and every time I try to stop focusing on one, another pops up. I'm weak, I'm fat, I'm creatively frustrated, my face is ugly, all my friends will leave me, I'm acting obnoxious, I shouldn't have said that, I replied too loudly, I'm useless, I'm worthless, I don't deserve this
This,, this is all so dumb, I feel rlly guilty for feeling bad or posting this at all, but I don't even know how to justify myself anymore
A lot has happened today, recently and in general to make me feel all freaked out and numb at once, which is why all I have is vents Here you go
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I hope your day went well, and if it didn't, I hope tomorrow treats you with more kindness. I know you can do it
