Ramblings Of A Teaberrian

A Thing Called Peace

Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me. Am I broken? Defective? Is there a reason I am so tormented by the ghosts of my past? Like some divine punishment from a bad past life.

Did I do something so bad in another life, that I am suffering now for my transgressions? If that is the case, then when will it get better? Easier? Hell I would settle for peace, if I knew what that felt like....

To be honest, I've never known the feeling of true peace. Does it even exist? Or is it just an ideal or thought, made up by those who yearn for something better than they've been dealt?

Everyone talks about peace like it's this easily obtainable and maintainable feeling, but how so they know it's really peace? Living in a lifetime of terror and frustration, then suddenly things change for what most would consider better; but those who felt that lifetime of terror, frustration, fear, depression, sadness, uselessness, etc.. They are forever trapped in the past, still feeling those moments of discord, and not recognizing the fact that they no longer have to worry about those things anymore.

All it takes is a small moment of meaningless chaos to send them back into that moment in the past and they feel nothing but that overwhelming terror. The chaos could be something small, like a disagreement and when it escalates even a little, flashes of those moments seem to block out all reason and give way to the fight or flight, but instead of flight, they choose fight. Because they grow tired of feeling that fear, terror, and desperation; so they do all they can to show they will no longer be made to feel that way ever again.

However, here in lies the problem with this conundrum:

1. Whether you are aware of it or not, the things you say in these moments, though they are meant for those who made you feel inferior, they are being spoke to those who care about you deeply, so you in turn hurt them for things they haven't done.

2. The things you do, fighting back, walking out, and trying to block it out; though that is to help you center your being and help you cope, you now have upset those who care for you and they continue to push the issue, which in turn backs you into a corner.

And these things slowly become a cycle that you feel you can't escape and you feel as though the past you left behind just never left.....it found a new home...

So while you struggle to find peace, hoping for something better, nothing we're really chaotic, it were just your mind being stuck in that loop in the past, replaying all of the awful things that were done to you.

So to know peace, whatever that may be to whomsoever seek it, it starts from within.

Calm the storm inside you that rages from your past and seeks to destroy your future.

I myself have yet to do something such as calming the Storm inside me. It is not so much a Storm than it is a raging sea in a typhoon on the verge of becoming a hurricane to destroy all in its path. Leaving no ship afloat, as the sirens of my past drown all onboard.

On the outside, I smile, laugh, and seem happy; but in all reality, that happiness is sustained by those who I deem worthy to call friends, but even they are sometimes left in the dark to my Storm within, but every now and again, they are responsible for calming the seas in chaos and the sirens return to the depths where they belong.

It's only in moments of small chaos that the sea rages on in a storm once more. So when you seek this little thing called peace? It isn't a feeling. It's those around you that bring you to peace and you bring yourself to peace in that moment as well.

So I suppose the statement is true....

Peace is a fleeting thing, feel it while it lasts because you never know when it will disappear again....

A/N: I hope you enjoyed this short descriptive. I think I will use this book as my way to write down what I am feeling, in hopes that it helps others as well. I myself am a Teaberrian, and all of my readers are Teaberrians as well. I'm sorry I have not been working on any of my stories lately. Been dealing with some inner demons lately....vote if you like, comment and let me know what you think, yea?