Gravity

5| Sickness|

I know, this took so long but at least it's here. My semestral break just started so I'll finally have the time and day to do this. :)

Forgiven? 

#350

Hey

I know it's been a while since I wrote to you and I know you're probably waiting for them too but sis we're okay. We've assimilated okay in the country and the kids seems to like the people they've met.

Yume got sick though and I'm trying really hard to not be a chaotic mess whenever he's asleep. Deep inside of me, I'm sadly still the crybaby you raised all those years ago and just when I thought I've changed, I actually didn't. I also didn't do anything except worry for the kids nonstop.

Sana on the other hand is loving the friends she has and is learning Finnish quite faster than me that I could barely keep up. There are days she teaches me the words herself. I think she's the smartest one in the family now. It's no longer me anymore and I know that's a proud moment, but I know what being the smartest of the family entails. Just pressure and stress.

There are so many things I wanna tell you like the air here is so amazing and the people are incredibly nice but they're so big. I know I'm taller than you but sissy everyone here is almost six feet tall. I can only count on my fingers the people that I've seen who are short. I have to look at them with my neck bent upwards as if I'm staring at the sky.

Ah, the sky. There are nights that I wait for the northern lights and hope for the best that it would come to visit me, this is not an excuse. I am mostly awake at night not because of the nightmares or the worry for the future. It is mostly about the sky and the northern lights.

The people who helped me and took me in are nice. The people they introduce to me are even nicer. I'll try really hard to keep them and show them how much I appreciate what they've done but... honestly, I'm so lonely. I know Sana and Yume are there for me but there are days that I just want to break down and cry at how lonely I am. I can't explain it, maybe because there are so many things, I have to keep to myself.

Every day I regret telling the kids to lie for me, for us since they shouldn't need to be. They're kids and kids are supposed to be honest to the point of insult, but I've raised them enough to be polite and not be that rude or cruel.

Especially when the two grows up, God I fear the day that they will. I cried when Yume finally said those big words yesterday without struggling or stumbling on his words. Of course, I cried behind closed doors, somewhere they wouldn't know. I wish you can tell me if I'm doing alright and that I'm not messing your kids up.

They're the only thing I'm keeping in mind now. They're all I have in this world at this point.

I have to go now. I haven't slept since Yume got sick, so I should as well make myself useful and get some fire logs from the shed outside.

Bye

--

"You didn't sleep, nor eat properly?" Leena gawks at me while handing me a cup of coffee. "Have you ever really thought of yourself as a priority?"

Ashamed, I stare at my cup. I haven't been going to my job or school since Yume got sick which I know is a horrible thing to do but I just can't leave Yume with someone who doesn't know how weak my boy is. "Is this you coming to fire me?" I smile sheepishly

She scoffs while rolling her eyes "No, what you've done is excusable. I am here to help you as a friend"

A friend... there was a painful tug in my chest at the thought of it. "I'm not a very good friend just so you know"