My Story

April 7, 2019

I don't know what's wrong with me. Why can't I handle anything in my life? I've been doing well with hiding the depression but it's ugly ass head poked it's head out today. It's 12 am on a Sunday night. I should be asleep but instead I'm crying in my bed and trying to stop myself from scratching at my wrists. I already cut my wrist a little bit but it's not like anyone is gonna notice, I've always been really good at hiding it. No one knew how bad it was until I told them so how could they know that it's back and worse than ever? It's such a stupid reason to be so messed up over. Stupid fucking prom. Making me realize how unworthy and I unloved I am, how fat and ugly I am. I'm so tired of having to do this. I just want everything to end. I want to go to sleep and wake up a different person who is skinny and pretty, who people like and don't think is annoying.
I didn't think Bean would call me ugly. Even if it wasn't to my face he still did it. But I don't even care about him, it's that my best friend tried to cover up for him. Isn't your best friend supposed to be there for you? Care about you? Why can't anyone love me? Am I really that fucked up? I sound like a fucking attention whore. If I killed myself would anyone truly honestly care? I don't think so. I think I might do it tomorrow. I just can't do this anymore. It's to much. I know how I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna take the Xanax that mom has in her makeup bag and all the medicine I can find and I'm gonna take all of it. I don't know if I'm gonna do it in mom's bed because it smells like her or in the bathtub because it's easier to clean up. I think I need to tell someone about how bad it's getting. Ms.Lane said I could talk to her. I might do that. Maybe mom will actually see how bad it's gotten. I've tried telling her but she doesn't listen. I really need help