It

4/11/19 ~ try again

She feels better with the song

Here we are again.
Waiting again.
Hoping again.
Trying again.
I want to do it over again.
I want to start over on life.
I've ruined this one.
A watse of a life.
She knows i did.
She knows i wasted it.
After all I've done.
I wish i would've kept my innocence longer.
Ive sinned.
Ive cried.
I've felt the pain.

Now i want out.
I want to be ridded of this world.
I dont want to be here anymore.
I dont want to.
I dont want to.
I dont want to.

I have never wanted to be here.
But i am.
I have to make the most of it.
Before its gone.
Before its snached out of my hands.
Its ripped, and torn but i can still use it.
I can turn it around.
Get back on track.
Try again.
Try again.
Try again.

Theres two ways.
Die.
Or try.
Try to fix it.

I can still see the light at the end of the tunnel, shiny dimly.
It hasnt been bright in years.
I stray further and further away from it everyday. It might be gone tomorrow. Or it might be gone in a year.
I dont know. But its still there shining, and trying to stay ablaze for me. She told me it was okay.

So i dont give up yet.

She told me its okay.
I talked to her.
She says that my light is still here.
I can still try.
Try to fix it.
I can try again.
Try again.
Try again.
Try again.
Try.

Try for her.
Try for me.

So now ill try.
But i know ill fail.
I always do.
I always fail.
I've tried already.
I wish there was a button you could press and just start over.
Get a new life.
New family, new friends, new personality new everything.
I could be innocent again.
I could try again.
Not talk to those girls.
Not talk to the boys.
I could be good.
I could be good.
I wish i was good.
I wish i was like you.
She wishes i was like you.
She wants me to change.
And we try.
We really do.
We try really hard.
But it always fails.
It fails.
It fails.

Its weird, honestly.
How the nice ones turn bad so fast. How i changed. How they changed me. It started when i was seven. Its young, i know.
This evil person showed me. And then my light got darker from there.
My dad was so disappointed.
My mom cried, for hours.
My sister had no reaction.
Only disgust.
They were all disgusted.
They hated me.
They hate me.
She hates me.

My dad gave me weird looks.
He knew what was going on.
He was probably thinking about how i managed to hide it for so long.
I how manged to keep a clean slate.
He knew i was weird.
He knows im messed up.
But he said he loves me.
Even when he hits me.

I had no idea about him.
The other baby.
The one who died before i was born.
Thats why my mom was dissapoined, because she hoped i would be good, and strong and innocent.
But i was the opposite.
She almost died having me.
She was so happy that i lived.
She hoped for the best.
But that wasnt what she got.
She got a stupid, lazy, good for nothing, idiot.
Or at least thats what she says.

Maybe tomorrow ill try.
Try to be better.
I will try again.
Try again.
Try again.
But im gonna fail.
I will fail.
We all know i will.

But still i try.
Do you feel this?
Do you feel what i feel?
Do you feel my pain?
Do you want to feel my pain?
No.

My sister.
Shes talking to someone.
Just like i am.
She has a boyfriend.
A online boyfriend.
Since she cant leave, my parents wont let her. And even if she did she would have no place to go.
So i understand.
She needs someone.
She needs someone to validate her, just like i do.
She loves me. I love her.
We depend on each other. I can tell her practically anything.

But i wonder who it is.
The person shes talking to.
Ive seen the texts.
He calls her 'baby'.
She told our dad. And he got mad.
He gets mad alot. He screams.
But hes nice to. He loves me.
I know he does. But its alot for him. Having six kids.

He loves us.

I was thinking.
What if that baby was born.
What if he didnt die?
What if they stopped then.
What if i wasnt here.
What if i couldnt breathe.
If i was dead?
I dont want to die.
Not anymore.
Its seems scary.
My parents wouldnt even know about me. Nobody would, i wouldnt even be thought about.
I wouldnt be loved.
Its funny how when you think about if you were dead, it makes you want to alive more than anything.