The Toxicant Throne (Book 2, The Culled Crown Series)

Chapter 5

The Officers' Quarter.

Third Corps, Vayelle.

Callahan forgot that I was bad at following orders.

His jacket was similar to what most of the rebel soldier wore, only differing in the dark color. So, no one stopped me as I strolled, hood up, and eyes down, towards the officers' side of camp. The people outside of the canteen had stared and pointed, but now I was far enough away that no one around me knew about the fire I'd set or about how I'd freaked out—was still freaking out.

I had no idea where I was going. My mind was still a blur of fear and white-hot panic. If Tallis hadn't gotten out the palace, then she was dead or would be soon enough. Larkin would kill her. Something in my gut told me that Juno, whether innocent or not, would pay that same price for my treason.

But this hadn't been my betrayal alone.

Tallis had chosen to be where she was. She had chosen to let Juno close to her, even knowing that she would eventually have to hurt him and put him in danger. She would've put me in danger too, but I'd joined her in her rebellion and saved her the trouble.

And, of course, I'd done the exact same thing to Cohen.

Cohen.

That's what I wanted—who I wanted. I hadn't seen him since the attack on the palace. He'd handed me the Culled necklace and gotten onto the transport. He'd kissed me. That moment seemed crystalized in my mind, suspended in time forever.

I'd had so many things I'd wanted to say to him, but none of it would make up for what I'd done. Sometimes, I would lay awake at night rehearsing in my head what I would say. But the words, the feelings I had for him, felt empty in the face of my betrayal. It felt like I'd lost the right to love him.

I'd chosen my own life over his. I'd been selfish.

And while I regretted hurting Cohen, I didn't regret trying to escape the Culling with my life. All I wanted was to live. I'd spent years being trapped by what I was and the heavy expectation of what I should become. And I'd hated the guilt that came with wanting something different for myself.

I'd wanted more than a crown or a throne could give me. I wanted pure, unchecked freedom. Once upon a time, I'd thought Cohen might feel the same way. But he hadn't.

He'd wanted to be king and, to his credit, he probably would've made a good one. But Erydia was done having kings and queens. They were done having tyrannical rulers.

So, Cohen would never get a chance to try and fix things.

I wished we could live in a different world where he could have his dream and I could have my life. I wanted us to be able to have those things together.

I wanted to understand why he'd given me that key.

He'd said he'd it was because he couldn't actually kill me. He'd wanted me to his queen. And when I'd chosen to go against him, he'd thought he could send me to the death I deserved. But he hadn't been able to follow through with it. When I'd been taken before Queen Viera, he'd given me the key to my handcuffs. He'd offered me a second chance at freedom.

And while I wanted to understand that reasoning—I couldn't really grasp it. Not when I'd acted so selfishly. Not when I'd chosen myself over him. I also knew that giving me the key wasn't the same thing as giving me forgiveness.

And that's what I really needed.

The camp was growing dark. The fire pits I'd lit that morning were still burning high, the makeshift seating now full of laughing people. I wished that I could join them, but I knew better than to try. People would gawk if they saw me. And sometimes I could handle that, but not right now.