Elle
I slammed the book shut and sighed with relief, wow. I breathed in weighing the words I'd just read, I sat for what seemed like a very long time evaluating the story line, the language and the content that played on my mind. Overwhelmed I barely heard the shouts from downstairs.
"This is all your fault!"
"I didn't even want to leave, this was your idea!"
A feeling of guilt washed over me, how many more times would they make me feel this way without even realising. Irritated that my good mood had vanished so soon I reached for my earphones to block out the sound, it made me feel powerful. It was a big fuck you to those that thought their words could hurt me.
A few seconds later I gave in and took my earphones back out of my ears.
I was lying to myself and I knew it. I had no power and no matter how hard I tried every negative comment wounded me. Sitting alone on my unmade bed i let a solitary tear escape. Oh god.
"Well if you're so miserable why don't you just leave then!?"
Silence.
"Fine."
I recognised my step-dads voice, and then I recognised the slamming of the front door. More tears escaped, god I felt so alone. After a few minuets I heard my mum calling me for dinner, I knew she needed me but i was reluctant to leave the safety of my room. Wiping my hand over my face hoping it would make me look more presentable, I made my way downstairs. My mind wandered to my book from earlier, the main character was amazing, she was a victim but she was still strong fighting against her demons whilst being selfless and kind. I wanted to be her. I wanted to be anyone but myself.
The kitchen was empty when I arrived. A half empty bottle of wine sat desperately on the counter. I made a lunge hoping I would be quick enough to pour it down the sink when my mum came around the corner eyeing me suspiciously.
"You okay Elle ?" She said monotonous
"Yeah"
I made my way to the fridge and grabbed at a ready made meal. I was starving. Mum had announced that she wasn't hungry and left the kitchen to go to her room presumably, I had nodded in response but only noticed the missing wine bottle when I closed the fridge door. I sighed and shoved the trashy ready made lasagna in the microwave.
It was a typical Sunday night.
While I was waiting I thought about life before we moved to this town, it was simple and stable. I missed the stability but I hated it at the same time, I struggled to make sense of this but I longed for change without realising I wasn't ready for it. Running my hands through my dull hair I started thinking of my friends, I missed them, I missed how they knew exactly what to say when life was too much to handle, I missed the connection that I had with so many people and one in particular. I missed him.
DING
The sound of the microwave pulled me out of my trance and I snapped back to reality. I didn't feel like sitting alone at the kitchen table so I collected more food and balanced the hot lasagna with packets of crisps and a bottle of flavoured water in my hands. I made my upstairs with anticipation waiting for the numbing distraction of binge eating.
My laptop was ready with a film and the food was laid out in front of me. I had taken a quick shower and prepared clothes for the next day. A feeling of relaxation came over me and I got into bed.
Whilst the film was on I checked my phone, answering meaningless messages. One was from Stacey.
Wanna hang out after school tomorrow ?x
I answered yes quickly, I liked her despite knowing her for less than a month, she was exciting. She was everything I wasn't, sometimes I thought that was why we'd become friends. She had light hair when mine was dark, she had a happy mind when mine was sad, she had a beautiful smile when mine faltered. She was everything I wanted to be.
It was 21:00 when the film was over. I was finally full. After another hour browsing on social media I heard the front door slam suggesting my step dad had finally returned from wherever he decided to go. I turned down the brightness on my phone to prevent the glow from alerting him I was awake but it was too late.
"Go to sleep" he growled "damn phone"
I switched it off fully, scared that he'd actually come in and waited in silence till I knew he'd gone to sleep. I carefully reached for my phone spending the rest of the night looking at the perfect lives of the people I knew on all forms of social media. I should have known that we all present our best selves but it still induced a pang of jealousy when I saw people my age being happy. Being happier than me.
With that thought in mind I fell asleep, I dreamed of the girl from my book, she was beautiful, why couldn't I be like her. Why couldn't I be good enough for someone to love or broken enough for someone to care. I tossed and turned feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders, wondering when was the last time I fell asleep with a smile or a feeling of satisfaction, asking myself if I'd ever be happy again.
