Billie was livid.
She looked down at her shirt--her favorite white T-shirt-- covered in stains and reeking of alcohol. Angrily, she pulled it off over her head, using it to wipe her face and chest of the liquid stickiness. James sat beside her in the driver's seat, his eyes darting back and forth between her and the road. Billie was refusing to look at him, or even acknowledge that he was there, for that matter. Instead, she focused on her right hand and the dull, gnawing pain that sat behind her knuckles. She opened and closed her fingers, stretching out the ache.
James grew tired of her silence rather quickly; he wanted to know if any of her anger was directed at him. So, he took a breath, and in it, he found himself a bit nervous.
"Blue-,"
"Shut up," she snapped, cutting him off entirely. "Don't fucking talk to me."
Damn.
He wasn't ready for that.
Unsure of what to do, he followed her instructions, and for the large majority of the drive, he kept his mouth shut.
Billie, on the other hand, was wading in her pissed off emotions. Never in her life had she felt so disrespected-- not only by that cocktail-chucking bimbo; but by James, too. And though she wasn't certain of exactly what had gotten her so upset when she saw them together, she wasn't necessarily in the mood to pluck out the reason. All she knew was that because of James, she was sitting in his Jeep, in a bra, skin covered in alcohol, stretching out tender knuckles.
And frankly, that was all she felt she needed to understand.
So they rode in silence, Billie fuming within her own body the whole way.
Over and over, James replayed the past few minutes in his mind, trying desperately to figure out where he'd gone wrong; what he'd done to turn such a great night upside down. Sighing, he decided to pull into a nearby gas station, hoping that if he catered to her needs a bit more, she'd let him talk to her.
So, he put the vehicle in park, glancing at Billie one more time before getting out and going inside. Billie waited in the car, still refusing to look at him, even as he went. She didn't care what he had stopped for; she didn't care whether he felt bad or not; she didn't care if her anger came off bitchy.
She just wanted to go home.
She just wanted to forget this night.
Soon, James came back. He climbed back into the driver's seat, his voice cautious as he extended something to her.
"Take them," he said, but she ignored him, tucking in her lips and staring straight ahead. "Blue-,"
"Just take me home."
"No, I-," James sighed, running a hand over his face. "I want to talk."
She blinked, feeling her eyes water.
"Well, I don't want to listen," she exhaled. "I just want to go home."
Though his heart was saddened at her expression, he didn't want to give up yet. Rather than waiting for her to respond this time, he grabbed her hand and placed the box in her palm. Undoubtedly overwhelmed with frustration, Billie slowly lowered her gaze to the item. As James pulled away, she rolled her eyes at what was clearly a pack of cigarettes.
"I don't smoke anymore," she whispered, clenching the box of Marlboros. "I quit."
"I know," James said, feeling as though he was making some sort of progress. "But back in high school, after you quit, whenever you got mad-- this mad-- you'd bum one off of Nate."
This was true.
But Billie had her reasons.
"I didn't smoke them," she whispered. "I just . . . I wanted to."
"I know that," James repeated. "And for the longest time, I wondered why you did that. More importantly, I wondered why Nate kept giving you cigarettes you'd throw away."
Billie stared at the box in her hand; the box that for whatever reason gave her a sense of comfort. As she held them, her fingers tapped across the plastic seal, before she finally began to rip them open. James simply watched her actions, patiently. Popping open the lid, Billie hesitated, her hand hovering over the individual cancer sticks. Then, she pulled one free and held it between her finger and thumb. She rotated it once; then again.
Quickly, she snapped it in half.
And a gust of a relieved breath she'd been holding came rushing out of her.
"I started smoking cigarettes because they relieved my stress," she whispered, staring at the broken stick. "I stopped because breaking them felt the same." Finally, she looked at him, anger in her eyes. "I hope that answers your question."
James let out a slow breath, keeping his eyes on Billie's face. "I got you those . . . for every moment you get this mad . . . at me." He had to admit, this feeling sucked. This anger that Billie held, whether it was for him or not, sucked. She was so important to him, in far more ways than she actually was aware of. James just wanted answers. "Will you talk to me?"
Ignoring him, Billie pulled out another cigarette, rotated it, snapped it in half, and let out another breath. It gave her a sense of power; like each one she broke was another temptation she'd overcome.
If only she could have snapped James in half on their first date.
"Blue . . . ," He sighed once again, becoming frustrated with her silence. "Just tell me what happened back there."
Billie stared at him, straight-faced. Her tone came out harsh; blunt.
Like a brick thrown in his face.
"Don't ask me out on dates if you're gonna flirt with other girls the second I walk away." With that, she chucked the box of Marlboros back at him, her face turning a hot red. Billie crossed her arms, staring right back out of the windshield. "You could buy a hundred of those; I'd still be pissed."
James stared at her, completely appalled. He didn't even realize that he'd done that, or even that something that trivial would be something that a girl like Blue would get upset about.
"Blue," he stammered. "I . . . I'm sorry. I didn't think that-,"
"Exactly," she interrupted, tight-lipped. "You didn't think. And the last thing I need right now is another person that doesn't think."
James was at a loss.
"What does that mean?"
Suddenly, at his influx of idiotic questions, Billie found herself ranting; no longer able to hold back the callous thoughts that ran through her mind. She intended to dish it all to him; to lay out everything she was feeling without holding back anything.
And damn, did she set him on fire.
"Do you know how exhausting it is to spend every waking moment thinking for everyone else?!" She turned to him, raging. "James, I shouldn't have had to confront that girl! You should have done that! But you 'weren't thinking', so I had to do it for you. And guess what?" Billie began counting on her fingers. "I got a drink thrown in my face! I got humiliated in front of a bunch of people! And I hurt someone! All because you wouldn't take a second to fucking think!"
Billie slammed her hand on the dashboard.
"I'm sick and tired of being second to everyone else's thoughtlessness! You DISRESPECTED me, James. And if you think that this is how it's going to be with me; that you can just do shit like that and think I'd be okay with it--Then you're not who I thought you were, and I am most certainly not the person for you."
Billie was heaving; she'd never gotten a chance to speak her mind this way, and for once it all came out in one piece. She was frustrated at the look on James's face right then; the look of complete shock at her words. But James just blinked, taking it all in. He made sure that she knew he was listening; that he was learning what she required of him right then and there. He'd never had someone be so upfront; so ready to call him out on his shit. But Blue did just that.
And she was absolutely right.
"I . . . I sincerely apologize," he said. And he meant it. "I was wrong, and I'm sorry. And I know that probably means nothing, Blue. But . . . God damn, I had no idea I was being such an ass."
"Well you were," she mumbled, her temper lowering now that she'd gotten it all out. "That was a shitty thing to do to me."
For a moment, James just looked at her as she stared out of that windshield. He saw how the light hit her cheekbones, how it lightened that deep blue color in her eyes. He studied the protrusion of her collar bones and the tattoos across her shoulders and arms that he'd never seen before. He even saw the massive pieces of artwork that decorated her sides, filled with words and dream catchers and feathers and all of the things he'd never known was there.
And for some reason, James was so much more enamored by her. He realized that he could never completely have Billie figured out; that she'd always have something under the surface that he wouldn't know about. She'd always have something worth his chase, and only in that moment did James finally know for certain,
That he would never give up on her.
"Blue," he said, leaning closer to her and wrapping an arm around her seat. He took a breath, and when he exhaled, Billie felt it roll down her skin. "Blue?"
Slowly, she turned her head, her eyes shying away from his nearness.
"What?" She asked flatly.
"I really am sorry," he said. "For everything."
Billie closed her eyes, reflecting on the night.
"I can't believe I hurt that girl," she muttered. "I just wasn't the same person back there."
"That's adrenaline," he acknowledged, hoping to take some of the guilt off of her. "You were defending yourself. If the roles were reversed, I would have done the same thing."
Billie scoffed.
"Bullshit if I've ever heard it."
"I'm serious!" He chuckled. "Blue, you think I didn't notice all of those guys gawking at you?"
She blinked at him flatly, completely not convinced.
"You won't do anything that will jeopardize your chance of getting your medical license, and you know it. You wouldn't have done a thing."
"Wrong," James shook his head with certainty. His eyes ran over her tattoos one more time, reminding him of why he adored her. "I'd do more for you than you'd think, Billie."
Billie's face softened at his sincerity, at his use of her actual first name. It had been a while since she'd heard him say it; so long, in fact, that she was surprised he still remembered it. He was doing that thing again; that thing where he'd say some magic words and her emotions would take flight.
"Let me do this right," James said after a moment. He took her hand, staring into her eyes. "Let me make this up to you."
Immediately, Billie began resisting.
"No, James, you don't have to do anything."
"I want to," he replied. Then, James decided to humble himself; his heart."Blue, this might come as a shock, but I actually do want to be with you. It doesn't have to be tonight, or this week, or even this year. But at some point, I want you to be more than just 'a date'."
James was right about one thing: his words came as a shock. Billie was not prepared for him to say something like that. In fact, she never even knew that he'd felt so strongly about her in the first place. She felt a wave of nerves wash over her, her jaw dropping the slightest bit.
"Do you . . . really mean that?" She asked, flustered. Surprised.
James's voice was firm; definite.
"Every word."
Billie felt herself beginning to smile.
"I . . . uh . . . I had no idea."
James smiled, his thumb brushing over the lion tattoo on her hand. He was surprised she'd let him touch her this long, let alone be so close to her.
"Look, I can take you home, let you change and get . . . un-sticky." Billie laughed as he continued. "And then, I want to take you to dinner. Wherever you want. Whatever you want. My treat."
Billie grinned, feeling something in her heart change for him. She found herself returning the gesture and gripping his palm, tilting her chin up to parallel his.
"You'll take care of me?" She asked. James smiled back, his eyes lowering to hers.
"I'll take care of you."
----------
Billie was surprised to find herself nervous.
This taste of free reign that James had offered her was enticing, but she wasn't entirely sure if that was all that had to do with it. She was beginning to actually like him; though it hurt to even internally admit.
But something had changed.
Maybe it was the amount of resistance she'd been putting up all these years beginning to wear itself down. Maybe James was unlocking a part of her she never knew was there; an alternate reality where she found him charming, sweet.
Nevertheless, Billie showered and changed, all while James waited in the Jeep, patiently. She didn't take long, quickly toweling off and letting her dampened hair in its wavy natural state slide down her shoulders. Billie stayed true to her converse shoes, only this time decided to go with a black pair. She combined this with a knee-length black dress and a grungy leather jacket over her shoulders; her personal sense of style never faltering, even when she wore a rarely-seen dress. After darkening the rims of her eyes with her signature liner, she was ready and back in the Jeep within less than twenty minutes.
James hadn't even kept track of how long she'd been gone; he was finishing up a phone call with his brother when Billie returned. As she slid into the seat, he began to wrap.
"Alright man, I'll see you later tonight," he murmured, his gaze pulling over to Billie. He raised his eyebrows at her attire, briefly. "Alright . . . alright, bye."
"Ready?" Billie asked before James could even address her.
But of course, he wasn't going to ignore it.
"You look-,"
"I'm in a dress," she interrupted, putting a hand up. "Let's not make a big deal of it."
James smirked.
"I was gonna say 'badass'," he finished. "What? You thought I'd say something lame like, 'pretty'?"
Billie grinned, rolling her eyes. "Let's just go."
"Where to?" James asked, starting up Ocean.
Slyly, Billie grinned. "You'll find out when we get there."
James simply nodded, expecting something like this from her. Billie was full of mysteries; of adventure. It was how he'd always remembered her; the girl that always found fun in even the simplest of things. She was like his own personal reality TV show, except when he was with her, he got to live it out.
With her directions, the two eventually arrived at a gorgeous building, lit by string lights and expensive candles. The parking lot for this place was completely packed, but Billie had already thought of this.
"Valet," she said, pointing at the small kiosk.
James glanced at her briefly, surprised at her choice. Then, he shrugged, grinning.
"Whatever you want, Blue."
And truly, he meant it.
They collected their claim ticket and within moments were standing at the forefront of the restaurant, both of their gazes on the large neon sign.
"Besame?" James read aloud. "I didn't know you liked places like this."
"There's a lot you don't know about me, doctor," Billie replied. Then, she looked James up and down, smiling. "You're incredibly underdressed," she teased.
James chuckled, quickly looking over his white v-neck tee, brown cargo pants, and black sneakers.
"I thought you liked my style," he replied, bumping shoulders with her as they began to walk in.
The place was far too crowded; so much so that James feared he might lose sight of Billie. He doubted they'd have any chance at getting a table within a reasonable amount of time. There were people in line ahead of them being turned away because of the long wait. And though James wasn't dreadful, he couldn't help but wonder why Billie had her heart so set on Besame.
After a few moments, they reached the hostess.
James's eyes scanned the tall, dark-haired woman, whose cherry-red lips were pressed much too tightly together. She hadn't looked up at them yet, her eyes scanning her guest book as she spoke.
"Our wait time is approximately two hours." James's jaw dropped, but when he looked at Billie, she only smiled.
"You look like shit, you whore," Billie said to the woman, and instantly, James's heart began racing with adrenaline again. The woman's head snapped up, and at the sight of Billie, her tight lips spread into a wide smile.
"Rumor on campus is that you had to replace your mattress," the woman remarked. Then, she squinted. "So, what, are you at like twenty guys now? Thirty?"
Billie laughed then, sucking in air through her teeth.
"That one was out of the park," she acknowledged. "Nicely done."
"Thanks, I've been waiting to use that one," the woman said back. "It's good to see you, Blue."
"You too, Kristen." As Billie moved to rest her arms on the hostess desk, she lowered her voice to a whisper. "Get us a nice table, will ya? Up in the pent."
Only then did Kristen look at James, and upon realizing who he was, her eyes widened. She then looked back at Billie as she began to collect menus.
"You owe me the whole story," she muttered. Billie simply smiled, nodding. Then, she turned to James.
"Come on."
James was full of questions; full of confusion as to what had just happened. He pieced together that they knew each other, but once again, Blue was full of mystery. Blindly, he followed them. They moved quickly through the thick crowds, James making sure to keep his eyes on that bright cyan hair of hers to keep up.
Eventually, they arrived at an elevator.
Kristen pulled at the lanyard around her neck and scanned its surface, which opened the doors and allowed them inside. She scanned once more to choose the floor, and after a few moments, they were at the very top level of the restaurant.
A top level that James had never even known existed.
A top level that was nothing like the floor below, and was almost completely empty; allowing for the utmost privacy.
"Right this way," Kristen said, and with time, she led them to a table that overlooked the city. The view was miraculous, though Billie seemed unphased.
Kristen laid out the menus on the table, assuring them that their server would arrive shortly. With that, she gave Billie a timid glance at James, smiled, and left them to themselves.
And James was filled with questions.
"Blue," he said, but Billie just grinned, lifting her menu.
"Hmm?"
James chuckled.
"Are you gonna explain how you did this?"
Billie lifted her eyes to his.
"Did what?"
Though he knew she was toying with him, he couldn't help but stare at the deep blue color of her eyes. He found her stunning, especially in that light; that setting. The way the light refracted from her hair, the way her freckles were sprinkled so carefully across her nose and cheekbones. He even caught himself admiring the naturally full pink color of her lips, and the way they sat perfectly above that dimple in her chin.
James had already known that he loved her.
But it was only then that he realized how much.
It was crazy, how, in the simplest of moments, he found her the most beautiful.
"Thanks," he heard himself saying. "Thanks for letting me try again."
The way that he was looking at her stole her breath; made her heart murmur.
Suddenly nervous all over again, Billie laughed awkwardly, her lips twitching up into a smile.
"Yeah," she breathed. "Absolutely."
----------
"You graduate soon," Billie said, fiddling with her fingers. "What's your plan after that?"
James was in the driver's seat, one hand on the steering wheel as he drove. They were heading back to her place, their incredibly eventful night finally coming to an end. The entire evening had been conversations like this; questions about life, plans for the future, random interests. James felt that he'd successfully gotten to know Billie in the way he'd always wanted to; now he just hoped he could return the favor. So he remained open, answering any questions she may have had.
"After graduation . . . ," he trailed, pretending to think about this heavily. "Well, I want to be a pediatrician. Since I'll have my degree, I'll find the right opening, and chances are, I'll get hired on the spot."
"So . . . ," Billie played with a strand of her hair. "Are you staying in state?"
"If the circumstances allow," he nodded. "It'd be hard to move now; I already have my house and my cars-,"
"How do you have all of that stuff already?" She shifted in her seat, bringing her knees to her chest. "I've always wondered."
"A stroke of luck," he responded. "About two years ago, Nate and I went to Vegas and won the jackpot."
Billie's jaw dropped.
"You're kidding."
"Nope," he chuckled. "We were idiots; we could barely afford the trip to Vegas, alone. But we hoped for a miracle . . . and we finally got one."
Suddenly, the entire interior of the car began to flash with blue lights. Billie and James both looked back at the same time, in complete surprise.
"Oh shit," she said, nervously.
James sighed, beginning to pull over to the curb. As the car slowed to a stop, Billie's heart began racing.
"I fucking hate cops," she whispered, putting her head in her hands. James nudged her.
"Don't worry, I'll handle it."
Billie looked at him as if he were crazy.
"Why are you so calm? Shit like this can fuck with your medical license."
James smiled. "Just relax."
"Relax?"
There was a knock on the driver's side window, followed quickly by a blindingly white flashlight.
"Open up."
James did just that, and when he opened his mouth, Billie's heart dropped.
"Fuck off," James said flatly.
Immediately, Billie smacked his chest at his choice of words in such a sensitive situation.
But James began laughing.
"Blue," he said. "Blue, it's just Nate."
As her eyes began to focus, she saw that the man in the uniform was indeed James's brother. And at the sight of him, she all but lost her shit.
"Oh my God, James!" She began smacking his arms and chest playfully, over and over as she spoke. "You can't fucking do shit like that!"
"Hey hey!" He laughed, tensing up each time she laid a hand on him. "Come on, Blue, it was kinda funny."
"Fuck the both of you!" She laughed. Then she leaned forward, locking eyes with Nate again. "You asshole."
"I wanted to say hi!" Nate remarked, shutting off the flashlight. "I had to make sure my brother wasn't lying to me about scoring another date with you."
"Way to kill a mood," James said sarcastically.
"Seriously," Billie piggybacked. "You're wasting precious taxpayer dollars, Nate. Get back to work or I'll have to call the authorities."
Nate smiled at her nostalgically.
"You haven't changed a bit, have you?"
Billie rolled her eyes, grinning.
"Goodbye, Nate." She playfully waved.
Nate stood up straight, putting on a fake authoritative voice.
"Now you two kids stay out of trouble, ya hear?"
At this, James narrowed his eyes, launching the car into gear and peeling off with the sound of squealing tires. Billie turned around immediately in her seat, laughing hysterically at Nate's expression as they drove away.
"Fucking incredible!" She giggled, turning back around. Then she looked at James, who was laughing as well. "You scared me so bad."
"I know," he chuckled, slowing the car as he turned a corner. "You should've seen your face."
"You should've seen Nate's!"
"Oh man," James sighed, a smile on his face.
And then.
Right then,
Billie looked at him, just as the light carved his eyes, and realized that he was the reason she was happy. She looked at him, just as the dimple blossomed in his cheek, and saw just how wonderful he really was. She looked at him, just as his teeth shone pearly white with his smile, and realized that he was the same guy he'd always been.
And yet, as she looked at him, she saw him as if he were someone else.
Someone different.
Someone she was beginning to fall for.
James blinked at her quickly, catching her stare.
"What's that look?" He asked, licking his lips. Billie became bashful.
"What look?"
"Don't do this to me again," James chuckled. "You know what look."
He pulled into her driveway, gently placing the car in park as they neared her door. Then he turned his attention to her, as at the same time, they unbuckled their seatbelts. Billie tucked a strand of that colored hair behind her ear, shyly turning her eyes up to the ceiling.
"We're back," she said, stating the obvious. James grinned.
"That's correct."
His smile was charming, affecting her in a way it never had before. Everything she felt seemed so immediate; she wondered why it never came on slowly with him. The longer they sat, the more visibly nervous Billie became; biting her lip, shuffling in her seat. She decided to try to say something, anything, to help keep her cool.
"It's uh . . . . it's really late," she tried.
"Correct, again," James replied smugly. "You're good at this. Try another."
Billie rolled her eyes, giggling at his teasing. But, she decided to play along. "That's my front door," she pointed.
James laughed.
"Alright, my turn. Come on." He nodded indicating for Billie to exit her side of the vehicle. Following suit, she did just that, and the two began to walk toward her porch. James cleared his throat. "As long as we're stating the obvious . . . ," in a bold move, he slipped his palm into hers, interlocking their fingers as they walked. "You have really small hands."
Billie's heart rate picked up like rapid fire at his touch. Nervously, she bit her lip, feeling so girly and so unlike herself, and yet, somehow, enjoying every minute of it.
"My turn?" She asked, and when James nodded, they'd arrived at her front door. She stopped, facing him. "Okay, well . . . I suppose I should tell you that . . . I had a great time with you tonight."
James stepped closer to her, his hand still in hers. "Did you, now?"
"Yeah," she said again. "I really, really did."
She gave him her best smile, one that was far too easy to provide under the circumstances.
"I had a really, really great time, too," he mimicked, smirking at her. As she laughed, James took another step toward her, until he was the closest he'd ever been. "I'm . . . uh, I'm sorry about earlier. Again. I hope I've made up for that."
Billie lifted her long eyelashes up to him. "You definitely have." Suddenly, Billie felt herself tilting her head up at him, a flirtatious smile on her face. And again, she said absolutely nothing.
And James caught right on.
"It's that look," he chuckled lightly.
"I'm not giving you any look!"
"Yes, you are. You've been looking at me like that for a while now."
Billie scoffed playfully. "I have no idea what you're talking about."
Once again, she watched him, catching that shimmer of hope in his gaze. That same one he'd had the day she wiped out on her board; that same one he'd had when they were in his pool.
That tiny shimmer that said so much.
Billie took a breath, keeping her eyes on his. "You're not gonna try to kiss me, are you?" She challenged.
But James just looked at her; letting the question linger there between them. He watched that question leave her lips, comb around his ears, sink into his mind and settle into his heart. Before he could let himself change his mind -- before he could let that moment slip through his fingers -- he brought his hand to her jaw and pulled her in; almost too quickly; almost too roughly.
In an instant, his lips were on hers, leaving Billie breathless in surprise at his urgency. Still, she fell into it, feeling her body briefly going limp at the sensation; the feeling she'd both anticipated and was entirely shocked by.
Her paradox of emotions; her battle within herself over him; all silenced by this kiss.
This kiss that lasted longer than she thought she'd ever allow.
This kiss that she found herself wanting even more of, though it still had yet to end.
This kiss that was changing her mind, right then and there.
