"Tandy's gonna be pissed," Billie said, stepping up onto her porch. James was close behind her, attempting to see her off as he dropped her off for the night.
"Just blame it on me," he suggested, giving her a crooked grin. "She's always liked me."
"Everyone likes you," Billie responded, rolling her eyes. "But it's two in the morning and Tandy and I already got into it over me coming home late without calling her. She's probably sitting cryptically in a chair in a dark corner just . . . waiting for me."
James chuckled at Billie's narration as the eerie image of Tandy's green-eyed gaze glowing through the dark entered his mind.
"You're a bit dramatic there, Blue," he laughed. At the sight of her shrug and half-smile, he took Billie by the hand, pulling her in closely. "When will I see you again?"
"Tomorrow, 'doctor'," Billie teased. "We have class."
"Prospective doctor," he chuckled, squinting at her. "And you know what I mean."
Billie had to admit, she had finally caved. She felt herself beginning to become obsessed with James in a way that she never imagined she would. They'd spent their entire Sunday together doing nothing that they had planned. James had imagined spending the day absorbing more facts about the world of pediatric medicine. Billie had imagined spending the day home with Tandy, possibly catching up on homework or calculating their finances.
But instead, the two spent their day together, completely wrapped up in each other; both literally and figuratively. James got to know the inner workings of Billie's mind. Billie got to know the level of passion that James held within his heart.
And in a way, through each other, they both got to know themselves.
This high, for them, was addicting.
And already, even as they began to part, they both could feel themselves succumbing to withdrawal.
Billie watched James's eyes; the way he looked at her. That look of love -- pure, unadulterated love.
And she melted in it.
"You'll always see me again," she said, sure in her response. Rising to her toes, she brought her lips to his, locking them together once again out of the many times she had just hours before. And as Billie pulled away, and James began to smile, she did the same. "You won't be getting rid of me anytime soon."
James watched Billie unlock her front door, his heart thudding as she disappeared behind it. She'd finally cemented her stake in his life; he finally felt he'd meant enough for her to decide to stick around. And as James made his way back to his car, he was content; content in his heart, content in his mind, content with his life.
Happy.
--
Billie's first class wasn't until noon. This was incredibly convenient--and something she had already taken into account and considered-- since her night with James ran over into early morning hours. She got some sleep; approximately six hours of it, and woke around nine. She knew Tandy was still home, but she hoped that when James dropped her off, she hadn't roused her sister from her sleep.
And since Tandy wasn't waiting up for her like she had initially anticipated, Billie prayed for a stroke of luck; that no questions would be asked and no arguments would be had.
She sat at her kitchen table, a cup of orange juice in her right hand, her English Lit book lying before of her. It was one of her easiest classes, but Billie had heard rumor of a pop quiz, and she'd be damned if she were ever unprepared.
She studied up on a Shakespearean narrative; something about a boy and a girl that fell hopelessly in love for all the wrong reasons. Somehow, their love always triggered some sort of casualty, all the while including psychotic ways of thinking and backward usage of words. It was always so tragic; always so unrealistic.
And yet so captivating.
Billie's nose was buried in it; taking notes over what she thought the quiz could be on.
And then, at the slamming of the book, she jumped; shrieked in surprise.
"Dammit, Tandy!" She said in reflex, shooing at her sister.
"I couldn't help it," Tandy replied. "You were reading so intensely, you were practically cross-eyed."
"Shut up," Billie said, cracking a grin. She decided right then that she was prepared enough, sliding the book into her backpack that sat in the chair beside her. "I've got to get ready."
"You need to eat," Tandy insisted. She reached into the refrigerator, pulling out a carton of eggs. Then, as she met eyes with Billie, she asked, "Scrambled or hard-boiled?"
"Over-easy," Billie sighed, giving in.
"Funny," Tandy mumbled, cracking an egg onto the pan, sending it sizzling. "Really . . . funny."
"What's funny about that?"
When Tandy turned and crossed her arms, Billie's smile fell flat.
"You are what you eat, I guess."
Billie stood, fuming. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?!"
"You spent the night with James, didn't you?" Tandy accused, shaking her head. "I thought you were better than that."
Billie squinted at her sister, feeling genuinely hurt and offended. "First of all, fuck you, Tandy." Billie was heaving. "Fuck you for not even asking me about my night, fuck you for assuming I had sex with James, and fuck you for slut-shaming something as natural and common as a woman wanting to have sex."
"Wait," Tandy's eyes widened. "You . . . you didn't-,"
"No!" Billie shouted. "And even if I had, fuck you for trying to make me feel like shit about it. I'm your sister, damn it. Fuck you for resorting to teasing me, instead of being there for me."
Tandy's lips formed a pout. "You're right," she whispered, her eyelashes were spiked with tears. "Blue, I'm sorry. I really am."
Billie rolled her eyes. Tandy had always cried easily, and it just about made her sick to her stomach. Her sister's tears always flowed so freely, making Billie feel as though she were always too harsh, when really, she was just herself.
But Billie knew that she dished it out hard sometimes.
And when Tandy was to blame, she likely wouldn't take it well.
"Whatever," Billie said, grabbing her things. "I've got to get ready."
"Blue!" Tandy's voice was shaking, stopping Billie as she walked away. "I really mean it . . . I-I'm sorry. I . . . I wanna hear about your night, okay?"
Billie shook her head, continuing forward, without even turning around. "Some other time."
--
James peered at himself in the mirror. His black hair was still damp from the locker-room showers; his face was flushed from lifting weights. He and Nate both were heaving, the two brothers had been partners in the gym since they were old enough to bicep curl.
"Great job," Nate said, slapping him on the bare skin of his back as he passed by. "That was the heaviest I've ever seen you lift."
James chuckled. "It's all this damn testosterone," he took a swig of his water, wiping away the excess from his lips with the back of his wrist. "I've got balls so blue you'd think they're bruised."
Nate's smile grew impossibly wide; he'd nearly bursted into laughter. "So things between you and Blue are getting intense, huh?"
"More than intense," James corrected. "Outside of the way she mauls me, she uh . . . she knows."
Nate's eyes widened. "You told her?"
"No," James shook his head. "She figured it out on her own. And she told me flat out, 'I know you love me.'"
"No way," Nate said in disbelief. "So, what happens now?"
James pulled a clean shirt from his gym bag and over his head. As he zipped the bag shut, he thought long and hard about Nate's question, mostly because he wasn't sure if he knew how to answer it himself.
Something had to be done; he knew that he and Blue had to settle on a status. James didn't want to see other people. And he didn't want Blue seeing other people. He just wanted her.
He'd always wanted her.
Thinking on it, Blue's explanation the night before was almost complete bullshit. It was convincing; at the time it made perfect sense. But now, as he reflected on the events of that night, as his brother stared at him, patiently awaiting an answer, James wasn't so sure if Blue's desires were completely logical . . . or selfish.
And it fucked with his head.
Which, when it came to Blue, was a familiar occurrence.
"I . . . I, uh," he looked up at Nate, his face confused. "I guess now . . . I have to do something."
Nate tilted his head to one side, wiping sweat from his brow with a towel. "What do you mean?"
James crossed his arms, his biceps rippling at the pressure against his chest.
And finally, he knew what to say. "I have to get her to love me back."
--
Tandy had opened up the coffee shop that day. After Billie left school, she joined her sister at the shop and fell into her same old routine-- clocking in, throwing on her smock, popping in one of her earbuds, and shutting out the noise. She bustled about tables like always; scooping up abandoned dishes and seating patrons. Tandy worked in the back, like she usually did as well, taking care of drinks and shoving old receipts onto the spindle. And the new girl, MaeLynn, worked the register.
Everything moved like a well-oiled machine, especially with Billie running the floor.
The awkwardness of the previous public encounter with her mother had faded; in fact, most people felt so bad about it that the news had never really spread into gossip. Things seemed to have returned to normal, aside from the fact that Billie and Tandy still hadn't spoken since the morning.
Billie treated her sister kindly, but it was clear there was still a problem in the air. And while Tandy was incredibly apologetic and antsy to find a resolve, Billie was quite the opposite, in that she just wanted to forget about it and move on. Not to mention the fact that the silent treatment was what drove Tandy the craziest, hence teaching her big sister a lesson in the process.
"Hey! Closet lesbian!" Billie whirled around at the voice that called out in her direction, and pursed her lips with a grin.
"Damn you, Kristen," she laughed, slapping hands with her old friend. "I thought I'd have to start swinging, for a second."
Kristen's signature red lips turned upward. "Come chat with me outside, will ya?" Without waiting, Kristen exited the shop, expecting Billie to fall in line right behind her. And that she did. After checking around to make sure no customers had any immediate needs, Billie met her friend out front within a matter of moments.
"What could possibly be so urgent that you pull me away from my hard-earning tips?" Billie asked sarcastically. "You know I can't loan you any drug money."
"Shut up," Kristen shoved her shoulder. "This is serious."
"Okay?"
Kristen moved to tuck her hair behind her ear, crossing her arms over her chest in the process. Billie noticed the ice-grey flints in Kristen's irises, her doll-shaped chin, her porcelain pale skin.
"I'm having a party tonight out in that field over by the skatepark? You should come. Shred up some serious terrain."
"A party on a Monday night?" Billie placed her hands on her hips. "For some reason, I don't believe you."
Kristen rolled her eyes playfully, ignoring Billie's response. "It'll be fun. Practically everyone on campus will be there. And Nate's bringing his grill, so there will be food, and my sister agreed to bring some drinks." When Billie seemed to be unsure, Kristen pouted. "Come on, Blue. I know you're thinking about classes in the morning, but we won't be out all night! It's just for fun and you know you love skating. Come on, please?"
And suddenly, Billie heard herself asking a question she never had before. "Can I bring James?" When the words left her lips, parts of her were confused; as though she hadn't any control over her own mouth. She scrambled to fill up the gap. "And . . . and Tandy, of course."
Kristen grinned, seeing right through her friend's slip. "Yes," she teased. "James can come. I figured he'd be there if Nate's coming."
"Right," Billie blinked, embarrassed. Then, she pointed to the door. "I've got tables to clean."
"Wait," Kristen stopped her. "So, you'll be there?"
Smiling, Billie nodded, waving Kristen off as she re-entered the shop.
----------
Billie lied in her bed, her phone pressed to her ear, her hair spread like wildfire across her pillows, her smile creeping up on her face.
"So, what're you doing tonight?" She asked, staring up at the ceiling.
James laughed. "I take it Kristen invited you to her party?"
"Answer the question," Billie bit back, grinning.
"I'm doing whatever you're doing tonight," James chuckled. "Her party is near the skatepark, so I knew she'd invite you."
"Did she invite you?" Billie asked.
"No, but she invited Nate. That means I'm in. Are you going?"
Billie sat up, crossing her legs. "Do you want to go?"
James sighed. All he wanted was to be with Billie. He loved her; he loved her dearly. And she knew it, and he knew it, and James was ready to act on it. Wherever she went, he was ready to go. Whatever she wanted, he was ready to provide. It frustrated him that Billie didn't need him; but then again, she never had before.
And once upon a time, he liked that about her. Now? It just complicated the waiting game.
"I'll go," he decided to say. "Need a ride?"
"No thanks," Billie replied, checking the time. She hopped out of bed then, heading over to her shower and turning on the faucet. "Party starts in an hour, so I'm gonna get ready and then board there. So, I guess I'll see you soon?"
"Yeah," James replied, his tone disheartened. "See you soon."
Billie caught wind of this tone and immediately felt concern. However, right when she went to say his name, the line went dead.
Nevertheless, Billie disrobed and climbed into the shower. She lifted her face to the spray of the water she'd made so hot it raised welts, stole breath, steamed windows. In this, she found the hypnotic silence of the world, the rhythmic patter of the water. And suddenly, she found herself thinking of James, all over again. The water kissed her skin with care, the same way he had once before. It traveled her body, hugged her waist, traced her tattoos with a delicate touch, the way he had. It was warm, inviting, always there; just like him. These thoughts of James haunted her, following her through her every move in the most welcome of ways. As she stepped out of the shower, wrapping her towel around herself, she thought of the day he'd wrapped his arms around her from behind, carrying her out of that bar after that altercation. As she pulled her black shorts up around her waist, she thought about James's hands holding her hips that night he found her in the rain. As she tucked her white band-tee into her waistband, she thought about her fingers tracing the skin of James's chest beneath his shirt, just the night before.
And she wondered why now, in everything that she did, the thought of James was somehow always there.
"Blue?" Tandy's fist pounded on Billie's bedroom door, jolting her momentarily. "Can we talk? Please?"
"Come in," Billie replied as she laced up her converse.
Cautiously, Tandy entered her younger sister's bedroom. Her brunette hair was in gorgeous loose curls, her makeup was absolutely flawless. Yet, her expression was concerning.
"Hey," she whispered, her emerald green eyes meeting Billie's. "You still mad at me?"
Billie finished lacing her shoe and rolled her eyes. "Is that why you came in here?"
"Blue, I am sorry for what I said," Tandy huffed. "I wasn't thinking."
Billie winced. Her right eye twitched just the slightest bit. All over again, she thought of James, and the night they'd had their fight. She recalled how he said he 'wasn't thinking' and how much something as stupid as that got under her skin.
For the life of her, she couldn't understand why it was so fucking hard for people to just think.
"Whatever, Tandy," Billie huffed. She stood, grabbing her board. "I've got to go."
Frustratedly, Tandy whirled around, stomping her foot. "Seriously?!" She shouted. "What else do I have to do, Blue? I apologized!"
"And I heard you," Billie nodded dismissively.
"So why are you still mad at me?"
Billie cocked her head to one side, keeping her voice calm. "I'm not mad, Tandy," she shrugged her shoulders nonchalantly. "I just . . . lost . . . all respect for you after it took you less than a second to lose all respect for me over false pretenses." As Tandy's frown deepened, Billie just shook her head, tossing her thumb over her shoulder as she backed out of the room. "I have to go."
"Fine," Tandy said softly. "But . . . Blue?"
Billie, who was already halfway out the door, turned around.
"Yeah?"
Tandy blinked, her eyes glittering. "We'll . . . we'll get it back, though . . . won't we?"
And kindly, Billie smiled at her sister. "I sure as hell hope so."
--
The party should have been fun. Especially since it was fun for everyone else.
There was an endless amount of drinks going around, a few blunts and joints being passed here and there, cigarettes, hot dogs, great music. There were clusters of college kids spread out on blankets and beach towels, enjoying the large field of the park. Others were consumed in volleyball, others up on the skate ramps.
It should have been fun for James.
But it wasn't.
He was on his third beer, standing next to his brother at the face of the burning grill. Nate was going on about something that happened at work, though he wasn't necessarily talking to James, but to the group of frat guys that were huddled around the grill as well.
James didn't mesh well with these people. It wasn't that they didn't get along; James got along with relatively everyone he came into contact with. It was just that he knew the conversations would be short; pointless. He was one of the few males pursuing a degree in medicine and, conversationally, that exchange usually didn't last an entire beer. To top all of this off, James was incredibly distracted. His eyes scanned the multitudes of people that added to the massive crowd in the large field. All too often they landed upon familiar faces; Kristen, Tandy, MaeLynn, even Brooke and Taylor from high school. But none of them had that angled chin, those freckled cheeks, those deep blue eyes, that ice-blue hair.
None of them were her.
"She's probably here by now, you know," Nate said from behind him, pulling him from his search. James blinked over at his brother.
"What're you talking about?"
Nate chuckled. "James, it's a little too obvious how miserable you are here without Blue. And it's even more obvious that you're looking for her. So go find her," Nate shoved James forward. "Do what you've gotta do."
"You're a cop," James redirected, matter-of-factly. "Go bust those stoners." Grinning, James shoved his brother's head and took off searching. He started for where she'd most likely be: the half-pipes. It was a bit of a walk; nearly out of sight from where James had been originally standing. As he moved through the thick crowds, he pushed by people, giving some of the faces he recognized kind smiles. One girl, in particular, truly caught James's eye, as the bandage across her nose triggered a small smile within him as he passed by. He averted eye-contact quickly, having learned his lesson from Billie the first time around.
Stumbling his way to the forefront of the crowd, his eyes fell upon Kristen and Tandy, both of whom seemed to be watching him as he moved.
"Hey," James mouthed, waving over at them. Rather than reply, the two girls just gave James a smile and pointed over at the top of the half-pipe. His gaze followed their direction, and immediately, James released a relieved breath.
There stood Blue, her hands high in the air as she hyped up the crowd below her. James realized then that the fields of people he was pushing through were all there for her.
Waiting for a show.
Itching for her talent.
Blue appeared at her happiest; the sun and wind caught her hair beautifully, right as she hid it beneath a beanie, out of her eyes. Her locks flowed down her shoulders and back, spilling over onto her t-shirt and nearly reaching the clasp of her shorts. Her board was tilted up beneath one foot as she egged the crowd on.
This.
This was that girl James fell in love with.
"You guys ready?!" She yelled down, causing an immediate uproar of cheers and whistles.
And then.
Right then,
She turned her head and caught eyes with James.
And there was something about the way that she smiled at him, right then, in that very moment. There was something about it that everyone in that crowd noticed; everyone was emotionally isolated and exiled from Billie, just in that smile.
Everyone except James.
In that smile, there was a moment in time that the world caught its breath, maintained its pause, reveled in Billie's beauty. In that smile, Billie had fallen in love with James.
Just in that smile, she realized.
And they all knew it.
But no one knew it more than him.
The crowd began chanting the color of her name, more energized than ever, ready for Billie to give them a show.
And finally, when the world resumed its turning, Billie faced forward, narrowed her eyes. She took in a deep breath, set her other foot on her board, and sailed down the ramp. The crowd was raging, her speed was splintering, as within a matter of seconds she was at the other end of the half-pipe. She caught air, grabbed her board at her feet with one hand, the edge of the ramp with the other, and posed in a one-armed handstand in the sky. Then, she raced down again, leaving the crowd in a mania as she twisted and turned and flipped with an impressive professionalism that no one had ever seen.
When she'd exhausted all of her tricks, she kicked off of her board, returning to the very same spot she had started in. Prideful, she took off her beanie, shook out her hair, and held up her board in the air in achievement. Billie smiled at the sky as the sun kissed her skin. And as the cheering grew louder and her heart beat faster, she still found that her mind fell right back,
To him.
She averted her eyes back down to that crowd in search of him, but he'd disappeared.
And for a moment, she felt disheartened.
Her eyes fell to Kristen and Tandy who, once seeing her expression, began to smile, and pointed behind her. At this, Billie was confused. Until, that is, she heard him.
"Gnarly," James said, his voice right over her shoulder.
And Billie turned.
And she smiled.
And the crowd of her peers cheered louder.
"James," she exhaled, catching her breath. "Hey."
"Hey," he chuckled. Then, he smiled. "You're making that face."
This time, Billie didn't even try to deny it. "I guess I am," she admitted, batting her eyelashes at him. "You know why?"
"Tell me," James grinned. "I've always wanted to know."
Slowly, Billie turned back to look at the crowd; the same crowd that had never stopped watching since high school graduation; the same crowd that had shipped she and James since before there was even a 'she and James.' The same crowd that, even in that moment, still hadn't stopped cheering.
And she turned back to James.
And she watched him smile at her, look at her that way he always did. That way that lifted her heart; that way that somehow, after all these years, had finally changed her mind.
"I . . . love you, James," she whispered, so that only he would hear. "And I . . . I think I always have."
It was crazy how, even as she spoke, her own words both surprised her and were familiar to her, all at once. It wasn't until she heard herself saying it that it rang so true, felt so right. James had always been what she'd wanted; he'd always taken care of her. He always came for her when she would take off; he always found her, somehow, some way.
He was always there.
Every time.
James just held her gaze; held her heart.
At his smile, her hand met his shirt collar, and gently she pulled him down. Billie put her open lips on his and slowly let them shut for the first time in front of everyone she knew. And the sounds of the cheers were deafening as James pulled her in for another, sealing his happiness, claiming the profits of his persistence.
Then, as he pulled away, James cocked an eyebrow, alongside a mischievous grin.
"Blue?" He asked, his eyes briefly darting over to his Jeep out just a few yards away. "When was the last time you went for a swim?"
Billie's smile spread wide across her face.
And right then and there, they booked it to the car.
