Red Vs Blue X Male Reader

Head Noob in Charge

Blue POV

Church: Yeah, I'll let you in on a little secret. I uh...I've actually got a girl back home.

Tucker: Oh yeah? Girlfriend or wife?

Church: No man, she's just my girlfriend, you know?

(Y/n): Apparently not considering this is the first time I heard you say you got a girlfriend.

Church: We're gonna get married.

(Y/n): Oh congrats dude.

Church: But I got shipped out, and...ah, you know how it works.

Tucker: Oh, well, are gonna marry her when you get back?

(Y/n): Yeah are you?

Caboose: I'm not gonna get married. My dad always said, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

Church: Hey rookie!

Church walks up to Caboose.

Church: Did you just call my girlfriend a cow?

Tucker: No, I think he called her a slut.

Church: Tell you what, noob I could sit out here and listen to you insult my girlfriend all day long.

(Y/n): Why would you do that?

Tucker: Who knows man?

Church: But as it turns out, I got a a lot more important job for you to do.

Caboose: Great.

Church: See, we've got this general.

Tucker: Right, the...general guy.

(Y/n): Oh yeah the...general.

Church: Who likes to come by and make random inspections of bases. so what I'm gonna have you do is I'm gonna have you go into the base and stand right next to the flag at attention. just in case he decides to come by.

Caboose: When is he coming by?

Tucker: We never know. Could be today, could be a week from now.

Caboose: You want me to stand at attention for a week?

Church: You know, you don't sound very grateful. This is the most important job at the whole base! You're going to be right there with the flag!

Caboose: What's so important about the flag?

Church: Aw, come on! Don't they teach you guys anything in training?

Caboose: They didn't tell us anything about a flag.

(Y/n): Guess the war was bad then we thought that they would skip the flag.

Caboose: Why is it so important?

Church: Because it's the flag man. You know, it's th- it's the flag! It's...Tucker, you tell him why the flag is so important.

Tucker: Well, it's...it's complicated! Uh, it's blue, we're blue...

Church: It's just important, okay? Trust us. So when the general comes by, the first thing he's gonna want to do is inspect the flag.

Tucker: Right.

Church: So just go in there, you know, far away from us, and wait for him.

Caboose then turns around walking to the base only to stop mid way and turn around towards the three other blues.

Caboose: Uh, how will I know when I see him?

Tucker: There's only four of us out here rookie. He's going to be the guy that doesn't look like one of us.

(Y/n): So if you see a blue who doesn't look like us then it's the general.

Church: Now get in there and don't come out! Man! That guy is dumber than you are!

Tucker: You mean he's dumber than YOU are.

Church: Wow, Tucker. That was a great comeback.

(Y/n): I think your both looking for the term "Dumber than a rock"

Church and Tucker: Shut it.

Caboose then walks out of the base.

Caboose: Uh, Mr. Church? Sir?

Church: Oh my God! WHAT?! Tucker, (Y/n) I swear, I'm gonna kill him!

Caboose: Sorry about calling your girl a slut.

Church: ROOKIE! SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP! YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY! GET IN THERE!

Caboose then walks back into the base as Tucker lets out a slight laugh along with you.

Church: Tucker, (Y/n)? Are you laughin' at me?

Donut then comes from behind Church.

Donut: Excuse me, sir? Can I ask you a question?

Church: Dear God in heaven, rookie, if I turn around and you are not inside, I-I can't be held responsible for what I'm going to do to you!

Donut: What did I do?

Church: ONE!

Donut: Aw, give me a break!

Church: TWO!

Donut: Fine!

Donut turns around walking towards the blue base entrance heading inside and going towards the middle seeing Caboose standing next to the flag.

Caboose: Wow! You got here fast!

Donut: Why is everybody so freakin' rude in this canyon?

Caboose: I'm not, sir! What can I do for ya?

Donut: Finally, someone with a little respect around here!

Caboose: Yes, sir! I assume you're here because of this?

Caboose points at the flag.

Donut: Wait...Is this all you have?

Caboose: Uh, yes, sir. That's it!

Donut: Aw, man! This figures. Shit. What about elbow grease?

Caboose: Um...

Donut: Headlight fluid?

Caboose: Nope. All we have is the flag.

Donut: Well, I can't go back empty-handed. I guess I'll take that.

Caboose: Sure! That makes sense. I guess.

Donut then takes the flag off the pedestal it was on.

Donut: Man. They're going to give me so much shit for coming back with just this stupid flag.

Donut then leaves the base.

Church: Well, enough gabbing out of us. Let's take this bad boy out for a spin. Go ahead and hop in, Tucker.

Tucker: Me? I can't drive that thing!

Church: You're telling me you're not armor-certified?

Tucker: I ca- I don't even know how to use the fuckin' sniper rifle! Don't you know how to drive that?

Church: NO! (Y/n)? you know how to use it?

(Y/n): Sadly I got deployed before taking the class for tanks so no I don't know how to drive it.

Church: Holy crap! Who is running this army?!

Caboose then stops at the entrance of the base.

Caboose: Hey! Just wanted to let you know, the general stopped by and picked up the flag!

Church: YEAH, OKAY. WHATEVER, MORON!

Caboose goes back into base.

Church: Why would they give us a tank if nobody here knows how to drive the damn thing? Wait a second. What did he just say?