What If...?|| A "Dear Evan Hansen" Fanfiction

Chapter Nine- But Not Because We're Gay

Eyes. So many eyes were staring at him as he nervously made his way through the hallways. He couldn't seem to shake the feeling that they all were judging him. Like Michael said, rumors had spread about him and Connor. So many, so fast. It was almost like whiplash.

What could he even do about it?

He carefully made his way to his locker, pausing as he saw that on his locker door, post-it notes littered it. And the on next to him. He paused, an eyebrow raised. Most of them read "get well soon" or "our prayers for Murphy". Most of the encouraging ones being on the locker next to his. The one on his locker reading. "Gay pride!" Or "love is love".

He groaned, pulling open his locker. "We had Connor's locker moved next to yours-" a voice said, making him shout and spin around. Jared stood there smiling.

"Of course it was Alana's idea to put all the gay pride stickers on your locker. She seems to be convinced you're Connor's boyfriend~"

Evan narrowed his eyes, slamming shut his locker and gripping one of the straps of his backpack. "And who led her to believe that?"

Jared shrugged. "Don't look to me! You disappeared the day everyone found out. Talked to his parents in the office, then the next day you're at the hospital visiting him. Even I was growing suspicious."

Evan's expression softened, he couldn't fight Jared about it. As suspicious as Jared was, it probably wasn't him who started all the rumors.

"Look, we're not gay. Trust me- wait-" Evan paused, his arms gripping the binder in his good arm a little tighter. "I told you what happened! "

Jared chuckled and shrugged. "Who am I to turn down any questions from others~?"

Evan's eyes grew wide as his mouth slacked open. Anger boiled in his stomach,and his good arm slammed into Jared's chest, making the taller stumble back a little. All the while he chuckled and shook his head.

"Lighten up Evan. I told them to come ask you. The only one who showed real interest was the Mell kid."

Evan shook his head, scoffing as he harshly bumped his shoulder against Jared and made his way to class.

Jared had encouraged it. He knew the truth. He had always known the truth. And Evan trusted him. Even though part of Evan had told Jared the complete truth because if he were to mysteriously leave the planet, someone had to know the complete truth.

He made his way into class, and found his way to his seat, glancing up at Connor's seat. Empty. Of course. What did he expect to see? Connor sitting there with a sketchbook open on the desk. Or perhaps Alana (who just walked in) stopping to ask how he was and offer her support to him in any time of need?

No... He guessed a part of him wished the whole thing was a dream, and the true face behind the emailer was still a mystery.

"Evan Hansen..." He met Alana's brown eyes, her body turned towards him. "How are you?"

Evan could hear how genuine she was in her voice. "I'm... Alright-" Evan said, as Alana opened her mouth once more to speak.

"You know, I never expected our Evan Hansen to be a closeted bisexual. It's really an shame that Connor's... Attempt... Was what had to pull you out of the closet... Does your mom know?"

"About... Connor?"

Alana shook her head, leaning against the chair. "I'm asking if you're out to your family yet. Or are you worried they wouldn't accept you?"

Evan frowned. He remembered coming out to his mom near the beginning of highschool quite clearly. He remembered the long wait for her to come home. The preparation. The look on his mom's face when he said those words. Her research... Everything it took for her to figure out who her son was. And learn to love him even more. She wasn't just accepting... She made sure to be an expert on it.

"Y...yes. She knows. I came out to her in grade nine," he said, glancing once more at the desk.

Alana turned her head, looking to the desk herself. "You miss your boyfriend, huh?"

"Alana he's not-"

"It's okay, Evan. This is a safe school. You can freely say it now,"

"But Alana, I'm telling you he's not-"

RRIIIINNNGGGG

Alana turned to the front of the classroom. Her eyes landing on the teacher that stepped out from behind her desk and began to introduce the lesson for the day.

...:*:.:*:.:*:.:*:.:*:.:*:.:*:.:*:.:*:...

"I guess it just feels like no one even heard me. I express over and over again that I am who I am... And no one hears me..."

He stared at his hands. His eyes narrowing as he looked to the bracelets and the shame that peaked out from underneath. The story he was hearing. He had heard it before. He had heard many before... People talking their guts out to each other, as if the others cared.

Sure. Maybe they were just getting it off their chest. But Connor knew that in the long run... He'd see them again. He had seen some of them before. All in this same room.

"Thank you Adam. Connor?"

Connor didn't even look up, but he knew all eyes were on him. The whole thing was pointless... Stupid.

He kept his mouth shut. It was better for everyone if he did. There was no point in him running his mouth. Telling these people. He'd remind himself that no one cared.

"Connor. Everyone has shared. You're the last one to," the therapist's voice was low. Kind. Connor wondered if he hated his job. He just remained silent. As did the room.

"This is a safe place, Connor," the therapist said again, Connor clenching his hands into fists.

"For who?"

"I'm sorry?"

Connor finally looked up, his eyes filled with anger he had been supresing. He opened his mouth to shout. Be wanted to throw something at the man who was asking him so many questions.

But then he saw everyone. All of them looking. None of them wanted to be there. Much like Connor, they were forced to be there. All of them doing what they have to in hopes that in a week the doctors will say they're fit to go home.

Connor grit his teeth, looking down for only a moment. He shoved back the chair and stood up, heading for the door. " Mr. Murphy! Where are you going?"

He didn't look back, he didn't bother to. He just wanted silence. A place for him to lay down. He didn't want anything right at the moment. Except for his own headspace.

He headed to his room. Assigned for just him because his mother was concerned for the safety of a possible roommate. As he entered, he paused.

Standing there, the same kid from the day previous. Evan. Meeting him eye to eye. This time not looking as frightened of him as before.

"Hansen? What are you doing back here again?"

Evan looked down, his hands pulling at the bottom of his shirt. "We... Need to talk..."