I don't know the answers

Grief

Grief is a cloud over my head threatening to rain .
I love the way the rain feels on my body when I'm sad.
I love the way a hug so tight threatens to break my ribs but refill my lungs with oxygen.
I hate the way the cold air threats to kiss my body.
I hate the way tears breaks the barrier of my eye lids and fall down my face when I'm pretending to be okay.
I hate that I feel guilty for being happy but not guilty at the same time.
I hate that I look pretty when I cry. It's not a pretty thing.
I hate that I sound like I'm grasping for air and I hate that I have to hit my chest because there are no words to describe how I feel.
I hate that empty feeling, my legs feel like they could collapse under me. I don't feel the urge to eat or sleep. I don't want to get dressed because clothes make me feel suffocated. I want to sleep naked for hours.
I don't know how I feel, I feel hot and cold at the same time. I feel relief and I feel sadness. I feel unmotivated and guilty. I feel like I'm not entitled to cry because I didn't make the effort to see him. I feel like I'm suffocating.
I feel like crying is useless but I can't control it.
Hours feel like days, days feel like weeks, weeks feel like months and months feel like years. The time is just slipping away. Just out of reach.