that's what they always said to jisung. they said that if he shut himself down as if he were a robot and started himself up again as if he were a computer being restarted, everything would go back to how it should be. could he say that it only made matters worse?
jisung would never tell anyone that he broke himself into so many small pieces that it would take centuries for someone to build him back together. he would never tell anyone that he was stuck in a mindset that his family forced upon him, one that made him believe that he was weak and undeserving of the surname han. he would never tell anyone that he was just a boy who was broken. because it was so much more deeper than that.
jisung knew that what he's doing is wrong, that it's sinful, but he had to do it. it made him feel human, it reminded him that he was someone with nerves, flesh, and blood. he did it for release. all his pent up frustration, anger, and emotion pouring out as a bloody canvas. he knew that his scars would possibly never heal, he knew that all too well. they were physical evidence of all the brutality and abuse he went through. physically, mentally, emotionally.
jisung's family believed that if you hit a person the right amount, that they'd become less human, and more controllable. they had managed to do so with jisung's older sister and brother, and that didn't stop them from continuing on to the youngest himself. he grew so used to the pain that he was uncontrollable, and maybe even to the point that he liked the pain. he would never outwardly beg for more, god no, but his eyes painted a different story.
jisung had stopped showing up to school. his parents knew this, and his siblings knew this. the boy stopped contacting his friends, and stopped using his voice in general. his phone blew up with messages of concern from felix, hyunjin, chan, and changbin. even people he didn't know would text him, concern embedded into their minds. jisung never replied, because he knew that if he pleaded for help, his parents would find out and the beating would get worse.
it even came to a point that his siblings would hit him; pull his hair, push him down, and kick him like he was nothing but a pillow. he grew into it. it was normal for him. he grew to like the pain that he was given. would he ever say that out loud? never. never in a million years because his parents would be disgusted with him, and they would disown him and he'd be left all alone.
had jisung ever thought about jumping out of his window? yes, yes he has. he never went through with it because he could barely move. he was so malnourished that he felt like he was slowly losing his soul piece by piece. which he was, realistically, but he was never given the right amount of food or water, and he damaged himself so much that if he lost anymore blood, he's either die or pass out. or both. jisung wouldn't mind either.
