Isn't this suppose to be fun?

Isn't this what girls want?

        His body pressed into mine, restricting me from being able to move. He lay on top of me with one hand on my head and the other gripping my side, pushing me into him. His dog of a mouth was forcing its way onto mine and I lay there immobilized. OH MY GOD OH MY GOD. HANNAH WAKE UP! HELP ME! FUCK! HELP ME! The words were being formed but there was no sound to them. My right arm was under Ransoms body and I could feel Hannahs back with the very tip of my finger. I tried to stretch my arm to try and push on her enough to make her move and possibly turn over to see what was happening. I knew I had one chance to do this before I was found out. I gathered all the courage I possibly could and acted as if i were asleep and needed to shift. I leaned to my right and pushed my hand to meet Hannahs back. I begged for her to hear my cries, for her to feel me asking for help. Just as Hannah began to shift, I felt Ransom go limp onto my body. He must've seen Hannah move and thought if he acted as if he were asleep it wouldn't seem suspicious. The full weight of Ransoms body sent me into a further panic. I tried to maintain my breathing so he wouldn't notice. Once Hannah settled, Ransom moved again, I could feel tears beginning to develop. help me, please. I felt his hands wander around my body and his wet mouth push onto me again. Why me? His hand fiddled with my elastic waistband. COME ON YOU STUPID FUCK. MOOOVE!!!! I pressed my eyes shut and I begge— RIIIINGG RIINGG RIIIINGG!!!! I used the sudden loud sound to throw myself off of the bed. I quickly rubbed my eyes to get rid of the developing tears. My alarm on my phone had gone off to remind me to be home soon. I stood up off the floor and looked down to see Hannah waking up and Ransom pretending to. Im gonna throw up. I picked up my phone and made my way into Marissas room next door. We sat in silence for a few minutes before she asked me if anything had happened. I managed to tell her that he tried to cuddle me before I went to sleep and he kissed me that morning. She squealed and I threw out another fake laugh, but it felt like the beginning of a cry. Am I being dramatic? Was there nothing wrong with that? Is that what girls want? I avoided Hannahs room while I gathered some of my things that I had packed the night before. I took a deep breath and pushed Hannahs door open, and without sticking my head in the room yelled to her to see if she could take me home. I rushed out the door and went to sit in the car. Hannah opened the door which caused me to jump. She slid into the car, started it, and pulled onto the street. She drove down the street, eyes never leaving the road, and proceeded to ask me about my night. I shrugged and said it was okay, hoping that would be enough. She pulled to the side of the road in front of my house, turned to me and in part whisper part giggle told me that Ransom told her he wanted to sleep with me. I felt numb, and with tears welling in my eyes I yanked the door handle as hard as I could and threw myself out of the car.
        My house is in a different neighborhood than the Williams'. My house is a brown tri-level house that has three bedrooms and three bathrooms. The living room and the kitchen are on their own level and are considered the main level because the front door is on that level. Downstairs is where the family room, a bathroom and the garage are, the bedrooms and other two bathrooms are upstairs.
     I shoved my front door with all of my weight and didn't bother to close it behind me. I made a b line directly for my room upstairs. I opened my door with a caution that I couldn't understand, and closed it quietly as I rested against it. I looked around my room which was significantly bigger than Marissas, and took my time looking at the pictures on my mirror and the other little details of it. My eyes trailed to my bed, and almost as quickly as I saw it I began to sob. Not a small cry but not yet a wail, because I didn't want to tell my mom what happened. I didn't want to tell anyone. I slid down to the floor and allowed myself to cry as I went over what the hell it was that happened.
        After an hour alone with my thoughts I had made the decision that what had happened was nothing and that I should be lucky he wanted me. I had decided that it was nothing, and I treated it as such.
     A year later I had decided that a boyfriend would do me some good, considering I hadn't done anything with a boy since - him. I had been doing okay in school and an older boy named Elijah had been really kind to me. Texting him was easy, he would ask me what I had been doing and then he would say cool to anything I had said. He was easy to talk to, to be with. He didn't ask a lot of questions and he only held my hand. After a month of him asking me about what I was doing and me telling him I was at school.... like him, he asked me to be his Girlfriend. It was awesome, he would pick me up for school (since I was only 15), he would hold my hand on the way to class, and have lunch with me. Elijah was Seventeen, and a senior, it would be easy because he would graduate in the spring and I wouldn't have to worry about getting too close.
        After Ransom I had problems understanding relationships. Why do people hug? Why are they crying? What is the point of kissing? Many things didn't make sense to me. I didn't see the desire or need for physical contact. I didn't display emotion when I "should have." A doctor decided that I had Depression, Anxiety, and OCD. Soon after, they began to give me medicine that should've helped. I felt a constant numb that I grew to find comfortable.
        I went to school, tried my best, told Elijah what I was doing, held his hand, tried some more, went home, and repeated. My grades began to fall but I failed to care anymore. My mom began to cry every night and I could hear her asking my brother what was wrong with me all hours of the night. But I didn't care because I felt okay. I didn't smile much anymore, or laugh and things I found funny, I had no reactions to anything meaningful. I just went to school, tried my best, told Elijah what I was doing, held his hand, tried a little less, went home, and repeated until I felt it again. Felt that panic, that fear, that fucking elephant.
        I started working as a waitress at one of our local restaurants so my mom wouldn't see me and get reminded of how sour Ive turned. It also helped me stay busy. I worked everyday after school, and Elijah took me, no problem. He started to tell me he loved me, and I had no problem saying it back because I didn't see what the big deal was. So I added to the routine, School, told Him what I was doing, held his hand, did more school, told him ai loved him, went to work. Until there was a problem.
        Elijah was an average height of maybe 5'6" and had what a lot of girls call a "dad bod." He had light blonde hair and always kept it about two inches long. I hated that. His eyes were a cool blue like mine and he wore glasses that were simple and black rimmed. He wore regular blue jeans with turquoise vans and a t-shirt usually with a logo print. He had a habit of vaping and was constantly smelling like a smoke shop. He drove a Ford Explorer that had speakers in the back of it that were worth more than the car itself.
        I had been getting out of the car to go clock into work when Elijah opened his door and abruptly got out. Confused I stopped and stood in front of the car and watched as he walked over to me. He met me in front of the car and just hugged me. Despite the confusion I hugged him back, after three seconds passed I had decided that I was done. I turned to continue my walk to the doors of the restaurant when suddenly my arm was yanked an my head spun around stopping in his hand. He quickly laid his mouth on mine before I had the slightest clue as to what was going on. I stood there, not knowing what in seven hells I was supposed to do with this. He pulled back giggled and said goodbye. Annoyed that I was now late I ran inside to clock in. One of the waitresses, standing by the window quickly shuffled over to me. She squealed and asked me how it was, how the kiss was. Suddenly I felt sick
        I grabbed my phone out of my pocket and pretended to answer the phone. I made my way to the bathrooms and locked the door. I slowly stepped over to the mirror and braced myself on the counter top. After a few breathers, and convincing myself that nothing happened with Ransom, I looked at myself in the mirror. My hip length black hair was pulled into a low ponytail and a few strands of hair hung loose from the straight slicked bundle of hair. My button nose crinkled as I sniffed, and my big cheeks stung red. I met my own icy blue gaze and stared for a minute, my head barely fit onto the tall bathroom mirror. I heaved my 5'2" body onto the counter to get a better look at myself. I tucked my long black strands behind my ears and attempted to throw a smile on. I hopped down from the counter and brushed off imaginary dirt from my apron. It was nothing.
        Four more months of being Elijahs girlfriend went by and I got better at blowing kisses off. I just had to stick to my mantra. As my grades dropped, a committee of teachers at my school decided I needed to be met with. They pulled up demographics and asked me questions I had no care in answering. By the end, the schools psychologist told my mom I had ADD and that I should see a doctor.
        I was formally diagnosed with ADD and was also put on a new antidepressant. I began to care about my schooling, too late to start caring about my job however. I had more time together with my family and got to know the man my mother had been dating while I was absent. A couple months later that man would adopt me, and I would gain two sisters and a nephew. I felt, happy. I still failed to show emotion but at least I began to actually feel it.