I Want To Know (ON HOLD)

You Disgust Me

"What the actual fuck!" I whisper shouted into the phone. I couldn't believe my ears. Someone had to pinch me.

"Swearing is bad, anyway, I'm at a party with Caroline, did you know she's my girlfriend?" He mumbled on. I felt a pang in my heart.

"Yusuf Ali, this is not you. Do you even know what's coming out of your mouth. You're drunk, do you have any clue of how big of a sin this is? You're dating a girl, what are you thinking?" I lectured, feeling a headache coming on.

"It doesn't even matter. Stop being so fucking uptight." I could hear the music in the background. I winced.

"Don't you dare swear at me, what will your parents say? Yusuf, you're drunk!" I persisted. 

"Well, I don't give a shit about what you or my parents say. I thought you were my friend, but Caroline was right. You're nothing but a leech."

"Yusuf-".

He hung up on me expertly. I was so worried. He was drunk, it was so haram, what if he ended up doing something he would regret? My thoughts swam around in my head. What was I going to do?

///

I woke up the next morning, with a super bad headache, and black spots in my vision. I had ended up staying awake the whole entire night, sleeping for an hour only towards the end. That feeling, when you knew something, but didn't know what to do with the information, that feeling clouded me, overtaking my senses. Do I tell the others, my parents, his parents?

Then I finally settled on staying quiet, I didn't want to get him in trouble with his parents or anyone else. But I kept nagging myself and then told myself to stop, because it was his problem, but what type of friend was I to not help out my best friend.

And then I realized that I was too weak of a person to make any sort of appropriate move. So I didn't make any at all and instead got my shocked body out of my bed and shuffled towards the bathroom in desperation for a grasp of this situation.

Yusuf had gotten drunk?

///

As soon as I got to school, I expected Yusuf to be at my locker with some sort of apology or condolence, to explain that it was a mistake that wouldn't be repeated, but he was nowhere to be seen. And then I ventured into Caroline's part of the hall, and there he was, an arm across her shoulder, laughing with the rest, as she popped an ibuprofen out of a bottle and handed it to him.

I wanted to fall right then and there. What? Was he out of his senses, what was he doing?

And through my pained expression I met his elated one. "You disgust me" I mouthed and turned on my heel to leave. 

And yet he never followed.

My chest felt heavy, I wanted to scream just like I did  in my closet when I was 8, 11, 15, 16, 17, and still even now. No, I wanted to scream without muffling my cries, my sobs. No, I wanted them to hear me scream. To know, that the consequences of his actions for the past month were falling on me.

What wouldn't I give to have him love us again, to remember us and what we are and what we do or each other? What wouldn't I do to remind him? How could I give up on one of the lights in my life, someone I adored, admired, loved?

I wiped the beginnings of tears from my eyes and with a determined face finished my day. I would get through to him. This was Yusuf, the same one who would build me up with his kind words in the brilliant mornings, so that it would hurt less to break down at night. The same one who make sure I ate and slept and was never sick. This was the Yusuf who would do anything for me and the others.

He couldn't change in a month could he?

That night I called him. He picked up the call on the 4th ring, and answered it with a groggy "hello".

"Yusuf, what are you doing?" I murmured, wanting to remain unheard.

"What do you mean, what am I doing?" He mocked my voice. I flinched.

"Yusuf, do you know how bad this is. You're committing sin after sin, are you not afraid? Do you not care. You barely hang out with us, you missed my poetry slam, and Mihirmah's swim meet. I haven't spoken to you all month long. "

"Ahlam, stop being so clingy. I've hung out with you guys my whole life, can you blame me for wanting a change? Caroline and her friends are great, and maybe I am breaking some rules, but can you stop being the haram police? One mom is enough thank you very much."

"We've hung out with you our whole lives too. We'e never complained, we've always loved you the same and we still do. Why are you doing this?" My voice cracked towards the end.

"Because I've realized that my life doesn't need to start and end with you."

And with that he was gone and my surprised, tear stained face looked at myself in the mirror. And I laid down on my bed replaying our conversation in my head, finding how much I despised what Yusuf was becoming.

And if on cue, my phone dinged. I sprang up, believing it to be him. But it was an unknown number.

Stay away from him you fat bitch. He can have anyone and he has me, so stay out of it.

I furrowed my eyebrows and texted back a quick, who is this.

To my disdain, there were no replies after that. But I had a good hunch it was Caroline.

///

Safaa, Mihirmah, Ismael, and I found our seats at the movie theatre, and arranged ourselves to make sure we were comfortable enough as the AD's played. Although we were laughing and messing around, there was a void in our hearts that came from Yusuf's absence. He had told us he was too busy and couldn't come.

The movie started and the three of us quickly hushed up Ismael who was still spitting out his complains over Yusuf not being here. Midway through the movie, when Mihirmah went to get refills, I noticed a couple that looked very familiar. I poked Ismael's ribs and he flinched. I pointed to the couple a couple rows in front of us and then gestured at Safaa to do the same.

"That's Yusuf, and Caroline?" She whispered.

"Liar, he said that he was busy."

And then, with the most shocked we had ever been, we witnessed them exchange a short kiss.

"Astagfirullah" We clearly voiced in unison as Mihirmah dropped all three of 4 of our drinks once she directed her sight towards them.

///

"I'm sorry I gave you everything I had without making sure if you wanted it"- Unknown