lesbian poems

my first real crush

My first crush was a boy
So was my second
And third
And fourth
All the way to eight
One for every year since first grade
A boy
Picked out on the first day of school
Known but not too popular
Pretty but average
Athletic but not so much so
Someone I can name when someone asks if I have a crush
An easy answer to a hard question.

Four boyfriends,
If you can call it that
Boys I barely knew
A little rebellious
Safe
Predictable
Never someone serious
I never actually ended up breaking up with any of them
We were so young I think we genuinely just forgot about each other
I only remember two of their names
In total
Eight crushes
Four boyfriends, never actually a designated crush

Until eight grade
No designated boy this year
My subconscious didn't care I guess
And neither did I
It wasn't something I thought of,
Crushes
They didn't exist that year as far as I was concerned

Until,
A girl
A pretty girl I barely talk to these days
A friend my friend made
She got integrated into our friend group
And I couldn't keep my eyes off of her
She was beautiful
I felt like I was seeing a goddess
For the first time
Every cell in my body
Resignated to her every word and movement
I treasured her
Memorised her face and interests
Talked to her at every opportunity I could
Stumbled over my words and flushed red
Couldn't keep my eyes off her
She's stunning
Gorgeous
Talented

For the first time,
A crush,
That word crept up on me
I let my infatuation grow until I couldn't deny what my mind and body was telling me
It wasn't like a crush though
I had crushes
They did not feel like this
She's just a good friend
I'm jealous
I want to be her, clearly,
Not kiss her

...kiss her
I want to kiss her
More than anything I've ever wanted to do
I want to kiss her
And hold her
And talk to her
Is this a crush
Because last I checked, you don't want to kiss friends
Especially not girls
But I want to kiss her
I have every single indication of a schoolgirl crush

Is this what a crush is?
Because if so,
I've got crushes all wrong
I was methodical with my crushes,
Not this,
This total lack of control on my emotions
Is not normal for me
I can't stop thinking about her
About how pretty she is
How talented of an artist she is
About how I want to kiss her
And so more than kiss her
she has complete control over me and nobody knows it
I'm a mess when I'm next to her
I always think I'm an idiot afterwards
But I always go back to her
Her
Her
Her
Her

There's nothing else,

I guess I was wrong,
I have a crush
This is a crush
A real crush
She is a crush
My first crush
My first real crush
It's a girl
I have a crush on a girl
I like girls.

Girls.