White Noise (a short collection)

Resound

07•May•2019

It was snowing outside your house. I stood there, amazed by the lack of stars in the sky. Not that I had expected any of them to be as bright as the ones we knew. You and I.

Nothing but silence around me. As if not a soul remained in this town. But I knew you would be there. I could feel it. Even if all the lights were turned off and time seemed at a still, I knew there was no other place to find you at. So, hands tucked in the pockets of my trousers, I stepped forward.

I found you dozed off in the library, an arm dangling from the edge of the couch while the other laid over your heart. For some reason, I had instinctively taken the right steps to reach you. 'Fate.', I thought, smiling.

Just as I remembered, the side wall was covered with framed pictures. There were so many memories of you sealed in those and not one lacked the sparkle in your eyes. Always so cheerful and eager, surrounded by your family and friends. It made me remember the days when, locked in my room, I would try to write you letters.

Dear Kim Minseok~

I would always start like that and then stop. Overwhelmed by the love and admiration I felt for you, I wouldn't be able to write anything else. My hands would quiver while I wondered how to start, what to say, how to properly express myself. I admit I was scared in those moments, scared that the love I felt for you was a burden.

I had so much to say. But nothing would come out.

If anything, you were the light to my darkness; a flicker of hope that always helped me move on. Whenever the days would get cold, nothing but rainclouds in sight, and I would wish for everything to just disappear... All it took was one glance at your face and I could convince myself that everything would be alright. You promised that no matter what twists and turns life would throw at us, no matter what may come our way, we would be together. So as ridiculous as this may sound, I held onto you with all I could. And I wanted to tell you about it all but how to put these emotions into words?

You've always been a tidy person. The well-stacked books on your desk and the polished floor never left anything to complain about. Your sense of responsibility and caring nature had always been a key element to your charms, amidst all of your qualities. Then, there was your gentle personality and sweet smile. How could someone be so perfect, I often wondered. It made me feel so lacking, unworthy...

But somehow, you would always make things right in those moments of self-doubt. It could be with a smile, or simply with the sound of your voice, and I would be calmed down.

Whenever I would doubt myself, your words would come to mind. You said that it's hard to be happy every day, but that there are things to be happy about every day. No wonder you became my happiness in the blink of an eye.

I finally dared to approach you, crouching at your level so that I could properly see your face. There had been a time, I recalled, when being so close to you would have felt like a dream. And breathing the same air as you? A luxury I thought myself undeserving of. But I managed to learn with time, to look at you properly. I learned not to put you on a pedestal, but to see you as an equal... Now, I am grateful for that.

Simplicity. A word that had matched you well since the very beginning. You never sought much; just enough appreciation for what you were doing. But it might have felt suffocating, at times, to receive so much love that you felt unworthy... Perhaps, in this respect, we could say we were similar.

Brushing some locks from your forehead, I thought about it. At the end of the day, you were just a pile of flesh and bones, like me and every single person on earth. Yet, only you had managed to bring me peace and love. Even now I was not scared when I had enough reason to be.