The Spectrum ||bts x jimin||

**Something srs***

Hi guys

'Tis I

The author who takes forever to update

As you'll notice, I'm not using the bold font this time

Well that's because there won't be a story in this update sorry :(

I kinda am still planning out how to move on from the last chapter

But as you read from the title, I want to talk about something serious and very important as well

This month, May, is Mental Health Awareness month and I feel like this can't be stretched enough how important it is

Many of you probably don't know this because I deleted the updates where I talked about it, but I myself struggle with mental health issues, sadly (I'm gonna start using periods because I want to express the seriousness about this).

I was sorta diagnosed with depression when I was 12, and I say "sorta" because the doctor who suggested I had depression was a diabetes specialist (which I unfortunately struggle with PCOS as well, but that's a physical illness), his diagnostics were that the extreme imbalance of my hormones were causing me to be very depressed.

After that, I along with my family chose to ignore what that doctor said because again, he wasn't a psychiatrist or specialist in that sort of field. For a while I went through so many rough patches, some even got spiritual, if you believe in that sort of thing. What I mean is that spirits began to torment me in my weak mental state. Whether you choose to believe this is entirely up to you, I know what I saw/heard and it'll be very hard to get rid of those memories.

Anyways, fast forward to 2018, five years later, it's January and the whether is a mild cold with a tiny breeze and a few drops of rain. The clouds are heavy and are hardly moving as the block the sun. Well, on this day, January 23, I tried to commit suicide.

Yes, I tried to take my life.

Fortunately, I survived and a lot changed since then.

I was sent to a mental hospital and spent about two days there where I was studied and given therapy. When I was released my parents were given their diagnosis based on my behavior before I got there and during my time in the group sessions and lone session, how I interacted with the other patients and how my eating habits as well as sleeping habits were.

I had severe depression, was suicidal, suffered from anxiety and also had psychosis. Now, I know when you see the word "psychosis" you immediately think "psycho" and I understand because I thought the same.

It doesn't mean I'm psychotic or mentally deranged. Psychosis, if you do your research, is a disassociation from reality. What that means is that your mind tends to believe things that aren't true.

I can't really explain it or give a good example because I don't want to confuse y'all and make you think you have this. I guess the best way to put is overthinking added with negative thoughts multiplied by one hundred. It makes have anxiety attacks, can cause severe suicidal/homicidal thoughts or thoughts of self harming. But this is from my experience, if you want to know more please feel free to research.

As time went on, it was a regular thing for me to go back to the hospital every few months or so to be evaluated again and be given a different combination of medications because some medications weren't right for me when they were put together. In 2018 I went to the hospital a total of 4 times. After the 5th time, I would've been transferred to a state hospital which is where the REALLY crazy people go. But thanks to God, I haven't been back to the hospital in almost a year and I want to keep that streak.

Now that I've told you my story, you know why this is so important to me.

If you feel something is wrong or doesn't feel right, PLEASE don't keep it to yourself! Tell someone, anyone!

If your parents won't listen to you, tell your administrators at school, tell a friend or an understanding relative, call the police if you have to. Tell them how you feel and they'll listen to you.

A lot of people you tell won't understand you and it's frustrating, I know but eventually you'll get the help you need. Even if you have to wait for it to happen, it will happen I promise you.

Someone out there will come across this book and read this part and feel like their trapped.

My message to you, the person who feels suicide is the only way out of the pain felt is this:

No.

If you're looking for the answer to should I jump, should I swallow these pills, should I slide the blade across my skin, should I inject this into me, should I jump in front of that car, pull the trigger... the answer, is no.

Think of 10 good things in your life.

And if you can think of ten then five and if not five then three if not three then one.

Do you want to hear mine?

Mine is my family, my adorable crazy cat Frankie, my friends, my talent of being an artist and writer, BTS, the sun, the clouds, the rain, the leaves, the wind and the list goes on.

Even when you feel like no one cares about you, that no one loves you and no one will miss you, know that you're wrong.

I care about you, I love you and I will miss you.

That pain that you'll take away when you end your life, will just add on to those you leave behind.

It took me all of last year to figure this out.

The people who I thought didn't care about me, they did care. I was the one shutting them out.

And if you think you'll worry or hurt people because of how you feel, don't.

What's important is that you stay alive.

You will fight through this! You will overcome this! You will survive! You will WIN!

At the The Rosebowl concert, this was said.

"No matter who you are, where you come from, what language you speak, WE are one voice." —Kim Namjoon, May 5, 2019.

If you won't listen to me, a 17 year old fan fiction writer who communicates with you through behind a screen, listen to the boys you love.

BTS helped me with loving myself. I know that sounds very cliché and just about every army has said this, but I speak the truth.

They spread this message to love ourselves or to at least try to.

Imagine how defeated they would feel to know their message failed to get in to the hearts of those who took their lives.

But in the end, it's not about them, is it?

I leave you with the contact information of the [American] suicide hotline which is completely toll free. Even if you're not suicidal and just need someone to listen to you and give you some uplifting advice, don't hesitate to give them a call.

I'll also be leaving my Twitter down below if you ever want to shoot me a message, I'll always be here to listen. And if you PM me and ask, I will give you my number so we can text regularly or whenever necessary for you.

Thank you so much for taking time to read this.

Mental Health Awareness is so important to me and to many people, so please spread the word ❤️

I hope I could uplift some of your spirits with this :)

I promise I'll update soon, please enjoy the rest of your morning/day/evening/night my lovely readers❤️

~Author-nim ❤️❤️❤️

1(800)273-8255- [American] Suicide Hotline

@ArmyKulture- Author-nim's Twitter