Madness.

I.

I knew what I was doing as I walked towards the ocean.

My steps were steady, my feet unwavering.

I walked in slow motion.

Clothes torn up. Hair messed up. Tears stained black with blissful grief and mascara. I taste blood in my mouth. And I pray that it's mine. The taste of my metallic tongue and worn down teeth reminded me of home.

The home that we should've had.

I had gone mad ages ago.

And the only thing keeping me sane was my heart.

But he took that from me.

He took it.

and smashed it.

and left it it's crushed pieces on this here beach!

I can't seem to find them here. Has anyone seen them? Can anyone help me for fucks sake!

Maybe. Maybe they are floating in the water.

Maybe my mind is there too.

Follow your heart,

they said.

You'll be happy,

they said.

Where is my happiness!

I did what you told me to!

Followed your every word and they lead me to this here beach!

"Follow your heart," You said!

Tell me when your heart is shattered to a million pieces-

Which piece do you follow?

This one? That one? The one he kept with him? Tell me and I will listen. Please. I'm listening. I'm listening to waves as they crasing into themselves, and the rock that contains them. They too wish only to be free.

Look at what love has done.

I am in ruins.

I am in knots.

I am in broken shards of antique mirrors.

Arthur.

Arthur, my heart.

Dammit Arthur! Where the hell did you hide it this time! Give it back! Give it back! Oh, give me back my heart again!

He can't hear me anymore. No. He's somewhere in Monte Carlo with my sister.

They're happy there, in each others arms. Their child on the way. Together forever. And I'm on a beach. Watching my life waste away. My future is gone now and theirs has just begun.

He used to call me his Queen. So I ask, am I still your ruler, Arthur? Or was it you who ruled over me? My crown is still on my finger, Arthur. Where is yours? Where is it? Did you lose it Arthur? Is it gone? Has it rusted and corroded like we did? You didn't care for it well enough, Arthur.

The moon wants to be friendly with me. Shining over me and the water. I walk, I walk and I walk. Dancing with the ever jubilant waves as they welcome me into their home. And it's prettier here. And I never want to leave.

"You don't ever have to leave" They say, "We won't ever leave you."

I'm laughing now. Laughing hard now and laughing loud as I sway with the waves.

I don't believe them.

Everyone, everything never sticks with me. 

Even if it be that the oceans dry up and the moon goes dark. 

Fate has a way of taking the things I love from me.

He left me.

I have nothing left now. I have nothing. No fight. No love. No fucking family.

Only Money, only fake acquaintances, only charcoal tears staining a tattered satin dress- Dammit, it was my birthday dress! It was my birthday! It's red and shiny - my dress - it's red and shiny.

Happy birthday to Ryanne, Happy birthday to Ryanne. Happy birthday dear Ryanne, Happy birthday to you-

My eyes...

I want to gorge them out of my fucking skull. All I see, is his lips on hers. And his body on hers. And his dick in her and not me and I want it to stop. I want to be as blind as I always was. My eyes are open now and I can see hell now. I want to be oblivious now. Like I always fucking was.

I want to know, if I let the water befriend me, if I choose to stay here with the waves. Arthur, will you blame my body for drowning? Will you continue to blame me for your infidelity? It's okay. I'll let you do it. I'll let you punch me into your punching bag. As long as I still feel your hands on me. And not her. Not her. I'm still so selfish for you, Arthur. Just like I always was.

The wind is stealing my warmth from me. My fingers are ice. My throat is fire. 

And I want to scream!

I want to show the world that I too can breath fire!

It - hurts!

It hurts so damn much.

The ocean says it can take the pain the away. The ocean says it knows the cure. The oceans salty tears fill my lungs.

How fitting it is - to die the same day you were born.

Dear Arthur. Dear Arthur.

I loved you more than life.