Madness.

10.

Where is the rage? Where is the fire, setting this mans house alight- where are the ashes? Yes the ashes. Where is the evidence that something has been scorched? It smells so putrid, so vile. My body burns with a fire that refuses to consume anything else but me. I am a burn survivor, with skin sewn together with pain. And betrayal. And anything else intangible

I sit here, quietly. I will sit here and endure this burning and perhaps this fire will kill me quickly.

We haven't been talking. Well, I haven't been talking. It's as if my mouth doesn't trust him anymore. And my brain won't let me pretend. It's as if my mouth is so full with tar so thick and black and poisonous that my tongue can hardly move. I can hardly breath. I can barely eat. If I do. If I eat- the fire will subside, see I want it to rage, I want to see destruction in things that are not my bones. 

He locked me away up here. All on my own as though I were a child forbidden to leave a lengthly time out. Everyday he would bring me food- breakfast, lunch and supper and snacks in between. He would speak to me, trying his best to make me speak back. To make me eat too. To make me move from the spot in the center of my bed. Perhaps I made him uncomfortable with this blank stare on my face, I'd lost my will to move too. The fire seemed to have burnt those things and not much else.

He thought this was a punishment, locking me in here with no contact to the outside world. A sense of freedom I could very easy live without. I will admit it made it significantly slower and more tedious to die. Starvation would be my ever slow and painful means to an end. I didn't mind too much, at least I got some silence. At least from here I could hear the ocean. 

I didn't care that we were still here in Monte Carlo. I didn't care that my clothes had become looser. I didn't care that Blue had locked me here. I just wanted some peace. A moment without chaos in my life.

I get to dream of the afterlife when I'm alone. I think about it a lot. I wonder if heaven would pity my life enough to overlook my suicide. I am scared of hell fire, though I know it's inevitable. I had studied the final book, memorized Revelations word for word in search of a loophole, a condition, anything to hold me exempt to eternal damnation. I found none, but then again my mind was never one of the more prolific kind. Perhaps it should've been, perhaps I should've tried harder.

A slow steady knock, interrupted my silence. I knew Blue had arrived with a meal I didn't want. The door slowly began to open, though I had not given my consent. Blue stepped in, clad with a large tray of food in his arms. He looked tired, with luggage hanging from his suddenly sunken eyes.

"Hello, Rain. I brought you something to eat. Breakfast" He placed the tray onto the bed before me. "It's scrambled eggs, toast, baked beans. With a yogurt and some some strawberries on the side. The way you like it. They way you used to, anyway"

He looked at me expectantly, he waited for a reply as he did everyday. I merely stared at him, eyes filled with redundancy. 

"Still nothing." He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I miss you Rain, it feels like you've been gone for so long even though you're still right there" He said sadly.

"Would you please just talk to me? How are we supposed to fix this if you don't say anything?" He sighed in agitation "I'm sorry, okay? I- Melina- She was my world. When she left I- I found you and you two have this uncanny resemblance, I thought if I had you I wouldn't need her so much. When I saw her with Arthur, I... I got so angry, I got so desperate to have her again and I- I took it out on you. I used you and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. All this time we were together, I was so obsessed with getting her back. When I woke up with you not there either, I knew what fool I'd been. It felt like I was losing everything once over and I can't let that happen."

"Why?" My voice was croaky from misuse, Blue looked up at me shocked that I finally spoken.

"Because I love you, Rain" He said quietly.

"No you don't" I told him "You're still madly in love with Melina. All this time I knew it but I stayed with you because I thought the exact same thing you did. I thought you'd be a stand-in for Arthur. It felt good, pretending to be her but when you called me her name that night, I snapped. I realized my fault. that this was a mistake"

"No, Rain I love you. I'm done with her."

"Is that what you tell yourself baby blue?" I sighed. "Try telling yourself the truth for once. You know it's there. I know it too."

"Rain-"

"I need you to let me go" I croaked as my tears leaked from my eyes, I tried to smile again,I tried to show him I was okay. But I wasn't. And my body was sick of pretending. My hands caressed his face and he leaned in to my touch. Memories of a better time came flooding back into my mind.

"No-" His eyes grew bloodshot and teary. He looked like he was losing everything he had. He looked broken.

"Blue, let me go. I can't stay here with you. I can't be Melina, believe me I've tried. I've tried so hard but I'm not her." I cried. "I can never be her"

"No please, Rain I'm begging you; don't leave me too" He trembled, holding me tighter now.

"You need to let me go Blue, you have to let me go now, okay?" I soothed.

"You'll die if you leave" He whispered.

"I know"

"I can't let that happen to you, you deserve so much more than that. You deserve a house and a family with kids who love you and a husband who adores you. I want to be the one to give you all that someday."

"What about freedom?"

"You deserve that too."

"Then let me go home"

"Promise me you won't die."

"I can't do that. I can't promise that to you"

"Fine then, promise me that you'll wait a little bit, promise me you'll give life a chance. I'll stay away from you if that's what it takes."

"No ... I won't try fix what's broken. I won't try chase what's gone. It's no use crying over spilt milk. It's no use trying to get it back into its carton and putting it on a shelf making it look all pretty and new and clean, because even if you do get it all back there it won't be the same" I gave him a small smile. "If it makes you happy, I promise to stay alive, but only for a little bit. Maybe for a month but never for a year. I don't want to be there for the wedding."

Blue nodded and swallowed and shook and cried. 

"You can come and see me sometimes, we can even be friends. I just want some freedom. I just want to alone." I whispered.

"Okay then" He whispered, staring up at me with his big blue eyes. "Pack your things, we leave tonight"