Untitled, 2018

Chapter 59: Better Than Okay

She took in a deep breath and started explaining. "Well, things are different over there. I'm not actually from America, my parents moved there with me when I was young. They're very hardworking. And unlike you guys, I'm not amazing at a specific set of things. I'm... pretty good at several things."

I raised my eyebrows. She had never really spoken about herself like this before. I looked at the screen, seeing a younger-looking Riti, eyes full of wonder and enthusiasm, the way she often did when she was doing the things she enjoyed with us.

"I didn't want to disappoint my parents. I'm taking the safe route by quitting that. I'll be content." She sounded sad but resolute. I nodded and leaned in towards her, resting my head on my hands on her chair's arm, closing my eyes. I felt her put her head down next to mine.
"It's hard doing the things we want to do when money's in question."

I opened my eyes. Her nose was a few inches away from mine. I smiled. "Even when you have money, it's hard."
"What can't you do?"
"Well, there's never any time to do things. I used to like making videos too, like yours. Acting and all that. Sometimes I'd just sit and read, maybe even write. I liked going to the beach. I wanted to... learn new things. I used to like studying, I wanted to be respected for being smart too."
Her lips curved up. "I think you're smart. Sometimes."
I giggled.
"But especially these days, whenever I have time to breathe, rather than do any of that, I just... stare at the ceiling, wondering if I made the right choice. I went through hell for this but it catches up to you."

Her eyes got a shade more pitiful. "I can tell you've worked hard." She thought about it for a second and continued, "I don't know about you but if I had the opportunity to follow my dreams like you did, I would go through hell for them too. I don't think you made the wrong decision."

Her eyes were fiery, determined and quite serious. As I stared at her, I didn't understand how this girl couldn't see what her heart wanted when it was so clearly in front of her. I knew she had her reasons for making her decisions, but deep down she already knew what she loved and what she would be best at. And now that I thought about it, it made sense. She was made for a career in the public eye. She had a loud and charismatic personality, and was good at, well, charming the right people. I smirked. Yup, definitely charming.

"But Riti, I had as much of an opportunity as anybody... well, not just anybody. But I had as much of an opportunity as you do. This," I looked at the TV, "is enough of a chance. If you really want it, you need to grab it now."
"Hmm... then I guess we are the choices we make," She started moving her head away. "And I make the safe choices."
I held her arm before she could slip away and pulled her two inches close to me again, narrowing my eyes with a smile. "Do you really?"

She looked flustered for a second and cleared her throat, "Of course."
"Oh? So that's why you came all the way to Korea? Went out of your way to help your research group with a crazy project? Why we're here right now?"
"That's just luck—"
"Excuses." I cut her off, and inched closer to her, almost closing the gap between our noses. "All excuses. You have the guts. Why are you holding back then?"

I didn't know whether I was asking her about the topic at hand or... something else.

I whispered, "What? Are you scared?"

Riti's eyes showed a mix of her sheepish reluctance of staring at me and a hint of something that I could've believed was desire. She whispered back to me, "Aren't you?"
I raised my eyebrows and blinked. Was I? What was I scared of?
She pursed her lips and I felt her hand on mine. "Yeah, maybe I'm scared. Of failing. What are you scared of?"
I linked my hand with hers. "Mmm... I'm scared of losing what I have."
She snickered at me, "You sound old."
I gasped, "Excuse me?! I'm very young!"
We laughed and shifted around a little, until we were both lying down on our chairs with our heads touching each other's, facing the ceiling. I closed my eyes for a few moments.
Riti swung my hand, which was interlocked with hers. "If you're so scared, then why'd you do that with Baek Hee? Bangtan won't be the same forever, right? If there was a scandal, what if something happened? Don't you have to think... well, long-term?"

I opened my eyes. The ceiling had this crazy random pattern I couldn't decode for the life of me.

I said simply, "I wasn't feeling... very okay recently. About anything. I wanted to do something about it. Fame, being on top: It's all just a mirage though, you know. It doesn't get old, but it gets tiring. I thought I would maybe feel something new after so long. But it's the same old thing."

She took in a sharp breath and waited a few moments before exhaling, "I've been there."

I stared at the ceiling for a good few more minutes, trying to figure out why the wallpaper was so haphazardly put together, before she tightened her hand in mine.

"And now? Are you feeling okay now?"

"Huh? Right now?"

I breathed in the air around me.
I felt my leg cramp up in the awkward position I was stuck in in the chair. I felt my back itch with the weird fabric digging into my back. I listened for the generic background music and Riti's voice dramatically narrating something in English from the screen. I heard intermittent chortles from a respectable woman who was way too drunk on the bed. I looked at the ugly ceiling and closed my eyes because of the headache it gave me.
I felt my chest fill with every breath and I heard Riti's do the same. I felt her hand nestled in my hand, and I felt her head pressed to mine.

A warm and bubbly smile grew on my face. "Yeah, I'm okay."