Lioness // Outlander (Completed)

And I you - Chapter 1.

I remember Craigh Na Dun, the tall, grassy hill that had felt like a mountain to me then, as young as I was, and the stones had loomed over me, like large, chapel walls. I remember the mid April mist, thick enough to coat you in a coldness you couldn't shake. Spring hadn't reached that hill, it stood as cold and rejected as winter. Most importantly though, I remember Ma and Da, standing by the stones, they looked as if they were dancing, and they had been, only to the sound of time. I remember Da putting his ring on Ma's finger, the cut they made, I remember it so clearly, Da asking me, "can ye hear it, leannian, as yer ma does? Do you hear how they sing?" he smelt of Ma's lavender soap and whiskey. He was warm despite the cold, his hand on my shoulder, crouched down on the floor to speak to me at eye level.  

"Yes Da, it's loud, go home now? Breakfast?" I had been too young to understand what he had truly meant, thinking only of the honey covered bannocks cooking at Lallybroch and how I wished to be back there again, the trip had been long enough, and I had grown tiresome. His face had broke when I said it, his eyes had filled with tears and his lip shook, as mine does. 

"Be brave, my sweet Faith, I will see ye again, I promise. We will meet again." He kissed me on my head once, lingering to look at my auburn red hair, just like his own. 

He glazed up at Ma and took her arm. She was crying, air catching in her throat as she struggled to breathe.

"I am asking you to tear out your heart and live without it" he kissed her, "but ye must do it, mo duinne. My brave lioness. Ye must" he'd stroked her rounded stomach one last time, then placed a hand on her shoulder, his other still on my back. "My children are all that will be left of me, Claire, I am asking ye, begging ye, please, see them safe." He pushed us forward slightly, edging us closer to the centre stone.

"I love you, Jamie" Ma had began to say, but her words broke off into a sob. Her hair was, as always, curly, flying around in the wind. She had smelled that day as she always had, of flowers and herbs. When I had looked up at her, worried and panicked, she'd smiled at me through her tears and squeezed her cool hand in mine. It had been wet with blood, and her rings had pinched my skin slightly, but for a brief second, I had felt better. Ma always had a way of doing that, making everything feel as though it'd be okay, making the worst of storms part, even if just for a moment. Whenever I was sad or upset, she'd smile at me as if to say, everything will be okay, and it always had been. That time had been no different, I'd smiled back, waiting for everything to be okay once again. 

"And I you." I couldn't see Da, he was walking me and Ma to the stone, his hand was still on my back, to let me know he was there, that wherever I would go I'd be safe. It had reminded me of when we used to fish at the lake and he'd always keep his hand on my back. He used to say it was because he didn't want a big fish to pull me in the water, but I knew now it was because he didn't want to let me go. 

I was so young, only five, but I knew, it was time to go.

The clouds had parted just then, for brief second, and a slither of sun creeped out between them. Just as my mother had put her hand on the big stone, her chocolate curls lit up in the sunlight. She'd looked radiant in the light, an angel, I'd thought. The grip on my hand had loosened, and I could feel my mother trying to tug me along to follow. But I couldn't follow her, the stones didn't sing to me like they sang for her, and through the hysterical fear that had been rising in my stomach I managed to speak. What I had wanted to say was, let's go home. What I had wanted to say was, take me home Ma, come home with us, Ma. 

"It's okay Ma, you can go, bye bye" I had said. It was all I could say before the clouds closed once again, my hand went empty and my mother passed through the standing stone of Craigh Na Dun. 

That's the last time I had saw her, my angel mother, now in a place I could never touch. My memories of her before that day at the standing stones were broken and piecey, but sometimes, when I go into the shed, I can see her standing there, hanging her herbs to dry. Or when I take a picnic out into the field in the summer, I lie down in the sun, and it reminds me of lying in her lap, listening to her read poems.

"I hope you're okay, Ma" I say now, watching the sun set over Lallybroch. "I pray you're safe. I love you". 

"A thasgaidh" Aunt Jennie's hushed voice pulls me from my thoughts, "go to bed dear, you've a long day tomorrow." She takes the candle from me, and rests her head on my arm. As little as she is, she is strong, and I can feel myself relax into her. "You're tired, ye no use to anyone with no sleep. I'll make bannocks in the morning for ye." 

I know what that means and it fills me with a warm sense of calmness every time she says it, so I kiss her gently on the head, "good night aunty" I whisper back, and make my way to bed. Once tucked up and warm, I let out a sigh of relief, tomorrow will come, and with it, Da will too.

 "I love you too, Da" I manage to say, before sleep swallows me whole.