princess / hamliza

8 / a mother

So, two months pass by. It's not very eventful. The only exciting thing that happened was Peggy giving birth to her child. He was named Stephen, just as Peggy said he would be.

I keep up my visits with Alexander, of course - but John has started to get suspicious of my everyday visits. He doesn't like that I'm going out everyday unsupervised, I've tried to say that I just like to explore, but he opposes that with 'surely you've seen everything in the kingdom, what is there to explore?'
So, to my dismay, I've stopped visiting Alexander for a while. Probably just for a few weeks. We've done that before and worked out just fine. He understands.
Plus, I think riding is starting to make me unwell. I've not been feeling very well recently. Perhaps the break will make me feel better.
Angelica teases that I'm pregnant, but I truly hope not. The only time John and I had done that was our wedding night... and I absolutely hate thinking about that night. I don't know what I'll tell Alexander if I end up expecting. I don't know what I'll do at all. It's not that I don't want children, I adore kids. I always have! I've always dreamed of being a mother, but... if I'm to be a mother, I want the father to be the man I love.
John seems happy about the teasing, though. He says perhaps we should start trying to have children, we've been married a few months already. I'm a bit reluctant, but terrified to tell him I don't want to have his children. So... I suppose I'll just have to suck up and deal with it.

It's early morning, so I head down to join my family for breakfast. Everyone but my mother, Peggy, her child and her husband are present at the table, understandably. I sit in my seat, beside my husband. I don't speak much at breakfast. Everyone assumes that I'm tired, but I'm not. I engage in a bit of small talk with my father and John before I begin eating. They continue talking after I fall silent, but a few minutes pass and I feel Johns hand on my thigh. I tense slightly, looking up at him. He seems perfectly calm, he's still talking to my father and keeping eye contact with him. After a moment he looks to me with a smile, he winks at me before he takes his hand off of me and starts eating. I'm flustered, of course. I quickly finish my breakfast and try to excuse myself.
"Oh, come on, Liza. You hardly ever join us for breakfast, stay a bit longer." My father says, I stay quiet and just nod before I sit back down. For the next half hour I'm made to sit there and talk to everyone, as if I'm enjoying it. Well, I've grown to be a good actress over the last few months, so that's not too much of a challenge.

When I'm finally allowed to excuse myself, I go back to my room, but John follows behind me. It's his room too, now, but I prefer to be in there alone.
"Are you going riding today, Elizabeth?" He asks me after we get inside my room. He leans against the door, arms folded.
"Why?"
"Well, I wanted to come with you."
"Oh. Well, I'm not. I'm just going to stay here for a few weeks, since I'm not feeling all that well..."
"Of course." He mutters, coming and sitting next to me. He puts his hand back on my thigh, and looks at me with a smile.
"I'm glad you're deciding to take care of yourself, dear."
"Well... yes. If Angelica suspects that I'm with child, I don't... I don't wanna go out riding and possibly hurt myself, or the kid..." I mutter, it's hard to say that; I don't want to imagine that I'm expecting.
"That's wise." He says, placing his other hand on my stomach. There isn't even a bump there yet. "If my kid's there, I don't want them getting hurt either."
I just nod avert my gaze, looking to the floor.
"What do you think we should name it?"
I pause for a second. Names hadn't really crossed my mind yet, but a couple spring to mind.
"If... if it's a boy, perhaps Alexander."
"And if it's a girl?"
"Alexandria?"
John nods and smiles, putting an arm around me and kissing my head. He doesn't seem too enthusiastic about the names, but I hope he'll let me have my say in it.
"I think if it's a girl we should name her after your mother, that'd be nice."
I nod, I'm okay with that. My mother only has so long left, so... it'll be nice to have a reminder.
"And if it's a boy, after your father,"
"I suppose..." I mutter. There isn't much of a point in arguing. It's just a name. Men usually choose the names. Besides, I'm probably (hopefully) not even pregnant anyway.
"What about your parents? Why not after them?" I asked.
"Their names can be middle names, I suppose."
I frown a little, confused, but I just nod and agree anyway.

So, another two weeks pass by. I'm still sick, and my mother got for some maids to come and inspect me to confirm if I'm just sick, or with child... I really hope I'm just sick. I don't think I can handle being a mother. Well, I mean, I've always dreamed of it! But... not like this. I want to have children with somebody I love.

"Mrs Schuyler?" a maid asks as she slowly opens the door. There are a couple of other maids with her.
"Oh, come in," I mutter. I don't sound enthusiastic at all, but I don't really care. They're just maids, they probably don't care that much about me either.
"Are you ready for your inspection?"
"Yes, I suppose."
I stand up from my chair, sighing.
"I'm sure you're excited! It's always such an exciting time when a royal baby is on the way."
"Truly! The entire kingdom is buzzing for months!" Another maid chirps in. I put on a smile and try and match their enthusiasm, though my facade is a little bit weak.
"Yes, I can't wait..." I smile, "Anyway, you can get on with whatever you need to do."
They sit me down, and get on with their inspection. It takes about ten minutes, they've inspected a lot of princesses and queens and ladies over their time at the palace, they can pretty easily tell who's pregnant and who's not.
"And, we're done!" one of them says enthusiastically, a big grin on her face.
I can only guess why she seems so happy..
"And...? Am I expecting?" I ask, I seem more timid than I intend to be, but I'm too terrified to care about that now.
The maid nods and claps a little. I just slump in my chair.
"Congratulations, ma'am!" one of the others says. I try and whisper a quiet thanks, but I just can't. I thought I'd be ecstatic when imagining this moment as a girl. I thought I'd smile too, and I'd cry out of pure joy. But no. I don't feel happy at all. I just feel... hollow. Is that wrong of me? Is it cruel?
"I'm sure your husband will be excited! Shall we go inform him?"
I nod, not speaking a word. The maids definitely seem confused by my lack of a reaction, but they don't question it. As soon as they leave the room to go and find John I just burst into tears. I can't do this. I don't want this. I want to restart, to have this life with Alexander instead. I'm sure I'd be so much happier. But here, in this life, I'm definitely not.