"I'M FINE"

Confused

It's been months.. she feels lonely again, this has become a common stuff for her, for me.

The love phase is really brutal more than happening. I thought we would get some good time to spend with eachother this vacation but it barely happened, we did go to the beach and to watch the movie, nothing else except that... maybe I'm being too depressed over such mediocre thing or it's the loneliness that's killing me, the love I want to experience is missing and whenever I try or plan something, it never happens. I've been crying for several days, in intervals.. my mind is a mess right now, it's in a dilemma, wants to know what I REALLY want and what I really deserve. Sometimes it tells me I'm better off with anyone but me, I can be the only person whom I need the most and can make things better, I can be happy and never be depressed or feel lonely if I'm with myself, the Happy and the optimistic me.

Other times, I'm the pessimistic one who thinks I do need someone, not to make me happy but a support system who tells me it's all fine and I don't need to worry as long as I'm with them. This urge of belonging somewhere to someone is strong and it's getting stronger, I have encountered so many posts and videos which contradict, totally. Some supports my optimistic side and some which supports the pessimistic side... I'm stuck in between, whom to choose.

When I'm left alone, I need no one except someone with whom I can share almost everything and with whom I'm most comfortable with that is probably him. I want him and only him to be with me when I feel lonely. A long hug is all I need right now, even when I'm writing this, my eyes are blurry and my body aches, it wants something, something which is longing for days and it hurts so much to admit that I can't live without him or maybe I can.. I just have to choose between the two. Leaving him would be the most painful thing in my entire life till now but once I get through I could focus on stuffs where I haven't even looked upon or I just need my mind to be emptied from his memory so I can look upon those muffled things I can barely care about as of now. I need space but I also don't want to be left alone, especially by him. I don't wanna leave him, I'm sure I'll be miserable if I do so.. It still is the last thing I want in my life to happen.

The lack of interaction is creating hollows in our relationship and I don't know how to fill them again, I have no ways to make him stay with me, even a day is difficult. We plan to get time when the college begins but I lowkey know we gonna be as busy as we were back then and infact more since it's our last year and I wanna focus, seriously focus on studies as well as college activities. I'd be joining classes and maybe other courses.. In between everything I think we'd barely get any time for each other. Is it getting harder or am I making it harder? What is the right path through all this? What should I do? I have no clue..
Guess I'll just go with the flow, I do need someone to show me a way or try to explain me this chaos inside my mind, it's all haywire right now.

I just need help, or maybe just a long hug...

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That's my real condition as of now.. I've been in such dilemma since many days, need some help.. ain't getting any.. people tend to hide their problems just for the sake of other people, likewise I'm doing and I need unfamiliar people to help me out because the known ones often judge.
Thank you for reading, I love you all Xoxo!