Laying awake in bed I closed my eyes feeling the tears escape through the lash prison. The empty space next to me represented another failure. Jenna was gone. She actually left. It was months ago but still hurts like it happened yesterday.
At first I couldn't handle it. Her stuff was still here, photos still on the walls. There was a lot more reminding me of exactly who and I what I lost. I couldn't let her stay though. She wasn't who I married anymore. Everything about her changed. The worst part was watching it happen. The way she stopped looking at me with love, started getting angry over the smallest things, just wanted to take and not give anything. She became someone else in Jenna's body. Being around her was torture but now... now I can't stay away.
Buzz buzz buzz buzz
The faint vibration of my phone signified I got a text. Most likely Josh or family. Friends seem nonexistent anymore aside from Josh. If I lost him like I did Jenna I don't know how I'd recover.
Taking a deep breath I let it out slowly through my mouth. Wiping my damp eyes, I grabbed my phone while rolling onto my side letting the bed shape to the left side of my body. Opening the text, the bright light blinded my eyes for a moment or more until finally I could decipher the text.
Josh: hey Ty, you up yet? :)
There's the one person I can contentiously rely on. That one human who never seems to change or disappear. A small smile curled in the corners of my lips for almost a full second before returning back to the neutral state. Sending a quick text of yeah what's up? I clicked the screen back off then got out of bed. The sound of rain called me closer towards the window, pulling the sheer navy blue curtain aside I peered out the cold double pane window. Streets were flooded with rain. The past few days it hasn't stopped pouring. While it is beautiful I'm afraid without a break we will all end up living under water.
Turning back away from the window I let the curtain close again. A navy blue tint filled the room in a dim light from the clouded sky. The cold floorboards sent chills up from my feet to my spine. Slipping on some black house shoes I scooted my feet down the hall and upstairs. I've taken to living in our cliffside home in Oregon lately. It's much more secluded and made for me in a sense. Nestled in the large trees overlooking the ocean. Through branches I can sometimes make out a neighboring home down the road.
"Alright Jenna, I really think this is the one." Covering my newlywed wife's eyes, I guided her cluelessly up the steps to a home that was settled peaceful on the coast of Oregon. "Ok I'm going to uncover your eyes."
Why am I so nervous about her liking the house? I saw it in her favorites I know she wants it just as much as I do. I already bought it anyway there's no refunds in real estate. I've got it all set up even to the way she has her Pinterest board titled "New Home". Using that I managed to hire someone who could find almost exactly what she saved. After placing it all together, I got a dark modern wood home with a view the ocean. The entire back of the house facing the coast is just windows. It's beautiful, just like her.
This was Jenna's home, perfectly created for her. Little did I know perfect for me as well. Since she's been gone I did some minor changes but I can't shake the feeling of her presences being here. Her ghost seems to haunt me anywhere I go. Every face I see isn't hers but it makes me wish it was.
Stepping into the kitchen the dark and cool colors set the mood to be even more lonely and depressed than before. Getting a glass of ice water I turned and looked out the large windows as the water crashed into rocks below. The ocean was getting higher, rising inch by little inch. However the odds of it reaching me were the same odds of me being actually happy today.
Taking a seat on the same leather couch that I spent many nights watch game of thrones with Jenna on, it felt colder than normal. I had no one to sit with and hold on it. The black leather seemed to groan in the same desperation that I did every morning I didn't roll over to see her by me. Three months. Ninety one days. Two thousand one hundred eighty nine hours ago. Checking the time I made sure I was correct. It was four in the morning when she left. I woke up to her packing her bags, she wanted me to beg her to stay. Make promises to let her do what she wants and walk all over me. I hate that I had do leave her but she wasn't my wife anymore.
Buzz buzz buzz buzz
Josh: I think you really need out of that house :/
Me: I'm fine really just needing sometime. Thanks J
Josh: yw let me know if you need anything. I'm just one plane ride away.
Josh was in Ohio, he's been living there for a few months now. We've been out of touch but still talking. He hasn't change, just been busy. Thank god he is still josh. I'd go crazy if another person starts to change.
Sipping my water and watching the rain drops slide down the large bay windows my mind raced along with the small beads of water. A piano sonnet crept into my mind from the darkest corner, perfectly in time with the low growl of the sky. My hand twitched urging me to write it or play it. The problem is sometimes the sounds in your head can't be made out visually in anyway. Wether it's playing or writing. That is the most frustrating part of being an artist. Battling your own mind. Another sudden jerk from my hand caused me to drop my glass of water on the floor in front of me. Shocked and slightly baffled, that's never happened before. The twitches were only ever subtle enough to go unnoticed most of the time. Now there's shards of glass at my feet and small cubes of ice in a puddle.
"Great going Tyler. Just like always." Picking a small piece of glass out of my foot before getting up and going to get a towel. Grabbing a broom and dust pan on my way back I figured that would be a safer way of gathering the glass. Throwing away the broken cup I took small strides towards the recording room. That twitch was enough to convince me I'm on the edge of something good musically and something dangerous mentally.
