All I Want // H.S. // A.U.

Chapter Twenty-One

There was a calmness between us as we lay, Harry facing me on his side and me on my back, head turned towards him. Harry's arm drapes over my stomach as I mindlessly trace over his numerous tattoos. I've found the hidden scars underneath the black ink, but I was relieved when I figured out not every art piece covered up a past wound. Every time I discovered one I would kiss my index and middle finger and place it on his scar. Sometimes he would sigh as I did it, others he would just search my eyes for an answer to an unknown question he was asking me.

I thought about asking him about them, but I knew Harry. I knew he would tell me when he felt he could. I hope it's not a matter of trust that prevents him of opening up to me. It's more likely just painful to talk about. I don't even know if his friends from back home know about it. Niall seemed really concerned about him when I said something was up with his family, and him, Louis, and Eleanor grew up with him, so they must know something. But, then again, what if these scars aren't from his childhood. AJ told me he went through a rough patch before he started at Konrad. Maybe he got himself into an illegal fighting ring. He's fit enough for me to believe he can fight, and he was able to hold back Spencer with just one hand earlier tonight.

My mind drifted away from the many scenarios of Harry getting hurt when my fingers danced over the tattoo of an anatomically correct heart. I felt three distinct ragged scars run across his skin, hidden by the dark lines of arteries and edges of the heart. I felt his arm tense up as I paid special attention to this tattoo. I could feel the tension radiating off of him, and my heart broke at the story that accompanied this scar. I could feel his eyes boring into the side of my head, waiting for me to kiss my fingers and place them to his skin, but I felt like this one needed special attention. I wrapped my hand around the backside of his bicep and lifted his arm higher and up towards my face. It was an awkward position so I switched over to my side, so I was facing Harry and propped myself up on my elbow. My lips press lightly to one scar, lingering for a moment before grazing over to the second one, and, lastly, the third one. I'm slow to place his arm back down, my hand rubbing up and down the whole length after it's resting on my side again.

I lay back down, staying on my side so I can observe Harry, but when my eyes land on his my heart drops.

He's staring at me, but not really. His eyes are glazed over, but what scares me is the look of fear in them. Immediately, I think this has to do with whatever memory I must have trudged up while exploring his arm, but then I feel his arm move away from me. It's not abrupt or harsh, it's slow and anxious, almost like he doesn't want to do it at all, but he's forcing himself to pull away. That's when I realize what's happening. He's scared of us, of what we've done. Maybe he finally started thinking about his job and how there's a good chance someone saw us leaving together. Or maybe, and this was the one that broke me the most... Maybe he didn't feel what I thought he felt during it. He didn't feel the connection or the feelings behind our actions. It could be he realized I wasn't worth it.

I knew in that moment, I had lost him. I had lost any hope at a possible happy ending. I closed my eyes and exhaled a shaky breathe, trying to calm the nerves that had surfaced.

If I can't have him forever, then I just want him for the night. One night of no regrets, no fear, nothing. I don't have to wake up next to him, I just want to fall asleep in his arms one time.

I open my eyes to see Harry still in his head, brows furrowed, a mixture of fear and pain in his eyes. I reach my hand up to caress his cheek, "Harry."

He blinks heavily, focusing back on me, but closes his eyes when I cup his jaw in my small hand. I watch as he exhales a deep breathe and when he opens his eyes they are noticeably softer. The fear and pain is erased, but in its place there is overwhelming sadness.