Behind the Camera - An Andrew Siwicki Story

Chapter One - Something's Up With Andrew

It was a Friday night at the Dawson house, and the whole gang was together. Morgan and Garrett were off somewhere, Ryland was sitting in the kitchen on his phone, and Shane and Andrew were on the couch working on their next video's final touches.

But to Andrew, everything felt off-- even more than usual. For the past few months he'd been in a weird slump. Everything felt pointless, he'd lost motivation, and he couldn't get out of his own head. He'd tried everything he could think of to feel better, but even getting out of bed became a difficult task. Most of the time, Andrew didn't even want to hang out with his friends. His smile was often fake, and his laughter was forced. He didn't know how, but he needed everything to stop.

Andrew stared blankly at the computer screen, struggling to finish editing the video. Everything in his head was foggy, and his thoughts weren't clear. It was all just different shades of grey. He looked around at all his friends, attempting to take his minds of things. Garrett and Morgan had made their way to the kitchen, each holding a tupperware of slime. He watched them for awhile, but his thoughts were still the same. They don't even want you here. You suck at your job. Everything you say is annoying and stupid.

Why was he feeling this way?

"Andrew?" Shane says, dragging him out of his thoughts. Andrew turns his head to face Shane.

"You okay? You kinda...spaced out."

Andrew nodded awkwardly, barely reacting. Today, he couldn't even bring himself to smile.

"Okay, so that's a no," Shane said, laughing a bit. He had now gained the attention of Ryland, Garrett, and Morgan. 

"Are you sick or something?" Ryland asked.

"Yeah, you haven't really seemed yourself today," Morgan added.

And fuck, his heart started racing. Holy shit, it felt like he couldn't breathe. He rubbed his sweaty palms together and fiddled with his fingers as an attempt to calm down. Does he lie and tell them he's totally alright? Or does he tell them everything he's felt for the past few months, and let all of his friends in on his big secret?

"Yeah, I haven't been feeling great today," Andrew admitted, hiding everything he really felt. He didn't need to go into farther detail, his friends could take it however they wanted.

"Do you need to lay down?" Shane asked. "We can finish editing this later."

That wasn't what Andrew needed, though he wasn't really sure what was. 

"No, no, I'm fine," he assured them. Reluctantly, his friends let him get back to his work and continued with what they were doing before.

But just minutes later, Shane once again noticed that Andrew was spaced out, staring at his hands with sad, glossy eyes. 

"Andrew," Shane said, even more concerned this time. He'd seen Andrew sick in the past, and he was always able to work through it. Something was very wrong here. "Do you wanna go home or something? Really, it's okay."

Andrew sighed, biting down on his lip. He didn't want to let his friends down, and he especially didn't want to worry them over nothing. But it would be so nice to be at home, where he didn't need to put up a front and could comfortably have a mental break down if needed.

In the kitchen, he noticed that Garrett was grabbing his hoodie and the bag he had brought with him this morning.

"You don't have a choice. I can tell somethings up, so I'm forcing you to go home and rest," Garrett said.

When Andrew didn't move, Garrett walked over and literally attempted to pull him off of the couch.

"Fine." Andrew stood up and pushed Garrett away, secretly relieved. He apologized to everyone as he walked towards the door, to which everyone responded with "no worries" and other similar phrases. As he neared his car, Andrew was surprised to notice that Garrett had followed him outside. He speed walked over to Andrew and placed a gentle hand on his forehead.

"You don't feel warm," Garrett said. "Is it your stomach? Or does your head hurt?"

"Garrett, I'm fine," Andrew tried to convince him. He took another step towards his car, embarrassed and wanting to escape the situation. 

"I know you, Andrew," Garrett reminded him. "And I especially know when something's wrong. You don't have to be embarrassed if you're sick."

The red head stared at the ground, desperately wishing he could curl up and die. His heart was now beating faster than in the living room, and his hands were literally drenched in sweat.

"Unless it's not that you're sick?" Garrett said as if it were a question.

 Andrew still remained silent.

"You know that you can tell me anything."

"I know," Andrew said. He wondered if it was obvious how nervous he was. It felt as though he were shaking, and he hoped it wasn't noticeable.

Garrett interrupted his nervous thinking by pulling him into a bear hug. 

"I-I'm gonna get you sick, dude."

"Oh, drop that act, Siwiki. I know you feel fine."

Andrew laughed a little, though it wasn't genuine. "You got me."

The two separated from their embrace.

"Is there anything I can do?" Garrett asked. 

Andrew shook his head.

"At least promise that you'll call one of us if there is."

"I promise," Andrew said.

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Hours later, Andrew was sat on his living room couch, his third bottle of beer in hand and tears streaming down his face. He didn't even remember when he started drinking--everything since he had left Shane's house was a blur. His hands were covered with dried blood from a failed attempt to numb the pain, and Andrew finally realized that things were worse than he'd thought.

He knew that he did't really wanna die, despite the constantly occurring thought that he should just kill himself. He just didn't want to live like this, and he was willing to try everything he could to make himself okay before resulting to that. 

Andrew thought back on everything that had happened with his friends that day, from them noticing something was up to his conversation with Garrett outside his car. Andrew had promised Garrett he'd call if there was anything they could do to help him, and as much as he didn't want to bother his friends, he knew that he couldn't be alone right now. He reached for his phone and hurriedly selected the last one of his friends he had called. 

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Part two coming soon! Comments and votes are greatly appreciated :)