Guess What Empathy?

Chapter 2

Empathy(noun) - the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

What if I told you Empathy is not just seeing or listening or feeling through the eyes of another. It means so much more to me. Empathy is a companion, it is an enemy, it is a gift, and it is a curse. The Empathy I have has shown me things I never would have cared about — and still don't — This "ability to understand," has only ever brought me pain. To me, it is the reason I hate the rest of the world.

And when it lets me peak into someone else's head — a tranquil heart that is silent and content — I remember all the reasons that I love the world. And then every other time, when I feel their pain and hate and disgust, I remember that there's is never enough good in the world to block it out.

I've had Empathy be an inseparable, thorn in my side ever since I can recall. I will never forget every minute, every moment that my body was tormented with the anguish of every single person I was surrounded with. And I can never recollect a second that was my own.

I can never neglect one instant when Empathy tortured me with the heartache of others. It has only ever gotten easier to ignore the suffering and muffle the misery. But it takes its toll on me, and I sleep almost every hour of the day and overwork and overeat.

I used to think my ability could be used for the greater good, like some sort of superhero or some stupid shit. I would go around like Sherlock Holmes and explain why 'your girlfriend is angry at you, and what you should do to make her feel better,' or 'hey, stop being a jerk to your friend they just want to make you feel better, now they feel like blank go talk to them.'

Logically people would appreciate this, right? But no, by the time the other person has cheered up, they realize I was the one who improved their mood. And instead of getting showered with love and gratitude like a hero, they scowled and I could feel their heart fill with fear from someone, something they, 'have to,' but could not understand.

I don't see why understanding should matter. Most of the time people just assume I'm really good at reading a person and I just tend to have pain spasms more often then other people. I mean, I can almost convince myself that's all it is too, it's no magical superpower like in "The X-Men." But people tend to have the need to comprehend everything.

And when you can immaculately read a stranger's desires and internal hurt, they feel like you somehow violated them even if they cannot discern exactly how. So, the fact that they can't interpret me, means they should just get rid of me.

Don't get me wrong, it definitely sucks, but I can't not relate. It comes from an ages old survival instinct, what you cannot understand poses a threat of danger. Destroy all things foreign. But we're not just cavemen in a hole, we're advancing faster than ever and live in a world where we now perceive more than any caveman could have ever dreamed of.

Although, I will never forget the day I gave up on it all. On the world.