"You never told me." Dean's voice broke the deafening silence in the car. "You told dad... and he told me. But you... you were just going to skip out."
Sam's heart was in his throat. His nails dug into the shining leather of the seat. Sam sucked in a sharp breath. "That... wasn't how... I didn't mean it like that."
"Do you know how it feels to... to give your life to someone, Sam? And to have them leave. To have them just... go." Dean knuckles turned a pale white as he drove, the street lights catching in his eyes. They shined. Not with the happiness they had when Sam came out to the car with him, but with tears.
"I was going to come back-"
"I had to come and find you." Dean clenched his jaw, closing his eyes for a moment. The car slowed down. "I never said you couldn't come home to me. I know dad said shit but... what did I do?" Dean had been asking himself that question for years.
The signs read that Stanford was only a couple of miles away. Sam couldn't decide if he was happy or sad about it. On one hand, he won't have to finish this conversation. On the other hand, Sam would go back to worrying if Dean was alive or not.
"You did nothing wrong." Sam replied, softly. He looked out the window, studying the stars in the sky. He needed something to look at. Sam couldn't take seeing the heartbroken look on his brothers face. "I mean it. I just... it wasn't you. It was the life, Dean. The hunting. The fear. The violence. The lack of love-"
"I gave you everything!" Dean screamed.
Sam jumped back against his seat, closing his eyes tight.
"I gave you my world. I skipped out on so much for you. I left you at Bobby's while I hunted with dad so you could be safe. I worked jobs to feed you and to buy you what you wanted." Dean looked at Sam with a snarl. "Don't you ever fucking say your life had a lack of love, because I gave you more love than I have ever given myself or anyone else!"
"But no one else did. I had you and Bobby. Dad screamed at us. Beat us. Abandoned us. We lived in fear and I couldn't take it." Sam glanced at him. "It was never home to me. I hated being home. Whenever he came back I... I was so angry. So I figured out how I could get out."
"By leaving me." Dean replied. "Why didn't you take me? Since it was so terrible?"
"Would you have left?" Sam asked. "You were more loyal to him than you ever were to me-"
"I had to agree with him so he would leave you alone. I..." Dean slammed his palm against the wheel. "Stop putting this on me! You weren't even going to tell me. Me! I'm your fucking big brother. I was there for all of it!"
Sam closed his eyes and sighed. He knew why Dean was angry, but Dean didn't see the world the way Sam did. Dean made up excuses for dad. Dean loved him. And Sam hated him. Their father made Sam feel like a freak no matter what. "It wasn't like that."
"Then tell me." Dean was more calm now. Sam assumed it was because crept towards Stanford at a steady pace and in under an hour they will be back to the way things were. Alone. Apart. And angry. "C'mon. You owe me that. Why... why were you just going to catch a bus?"
"Because you could've talked me out of it." Sam whispered, playing with his hands in his laps. He avoided Deans eyes. "If I had told you... you would have got me to stay, you could've convinced me. So I hid it. And I waited until it was time to leave. And then I told dad and he blew up and you heard and-"
"And you left."
"I couldn't..." Sam swallowed. "I couldn't give you the chance to change my mind. I had money. I had my bags packed. I had a full ride and a apartment waiting for me. Dean, I was so close... I always wanted this. A normal life."
Dean looked at the buildings that surrounded them. It was late. Most people were asleep. The buildings lights were turned off, the stone disappearing into the dark sky above them. "Think I could talk you out of this?" He swerved some, pulling up to the sidewalk.
Sam looked at Dean, his eyes pleading. "Don't, Dean."
"Why?"
Sam popped the door open and grabbed his bag from the floorboard. "Because I would listen." He climbed out and shut the door, walking towards the building.
"Sam!"
Sam didn't turn around.
