lovelorn

two

Sand Castles- Beyoncé
Visions of Gideon- Sufjan Stevens

You cry when Harry confirms the news in a whisper. As if he thought that if he kept his voice low it would hurt less or be easier to accept. He thought wrong.

"You fucked me then invited me to your wedding?" The words are incoherent through your sobs and gasps for air.

He calls your name like a warning. It upsets you even more. You start crying even harder. "Did you think you could just fuck me goodbye and everything would be okay? I've been your best friend for years. I thought I deserved more than that."

"You do, fuck. It's just hard."

I scoff escapes your lips, "Hard?"

"Yes, hard. The first time we had sex was a mistake. We never should've went there."

"The first time? What about the time after that? Or the hundreds of times after that. You're such a fucking asshole."

"I know."

"Why are you doing this?"

His sigh is long and loud. "Because I love her."

If you weren't broken before, now you are. The sad truth is that he loves her, not you. It's her, it's always been her, it'll always be her. For the next fifteen minutes, your sobbing is the only conversation that transpires. You can tell he doesn't know what to say. In all the years he's known you, he's never seen you cry. You were always smiles and giggles, he hated that he was the reason that those smiles and giggles turned to frowns and tears. All he can do is apologize quietly as he listens to you cry. You know he's probably parked outside in his car somewhere as it rains outside. Maybe he's outside the home he shares with Sarah, and when he hangs up he's going to go and hold her, kiss her, forget about everything that happened this morning. Her kiss will erase the taste of you off of his lips. Her hands removing your fingerprints. And when he fucks her and she comes, he'll tell her he loves her and any memory of you will be gone. She gets lovemaking on a bed full of roses and you get quick fucks in the morning before he's off to see his fiancée.

Your body trembling with sobs you slide down the wall, making your phone slip out of your shaky hands. You try to catch it, but it's too late. You watch it shatter on your hardwood floors. It looks a lot like your heart. You don't bother picking it up, rising to your feet, you step over it, and fall face first on your sofa.

That's where your roommates finds you hours later when she stumbles in, girlfriend in tow. She takes one look at your tear stained face and the huge wet spot they've made on your couch and tells her girlfriend goodbye. You feel bad that she made her leave. "Oh baby, what's wrong?"

You try to tell her but she can barely understand the words coming through your whimpers, so instead, you point towards the envelope Harry left on the table. Her eyes skimmed the paper before landing on you. "I'm so sorry. I know how much you loved him." The hole you've dug yourself only gets deeper because you know that the love you have for him will never be past tense.

She sits by your head and pats her lap. You scoot up so the side of your face rests on her lap. She gives you soothing rubs up and down your arm and through your scalp. It would've been comforting if everything wasn't so fucked.

For the next three days, the couch becomes your new home. You eat dry cereal straight out the box and drink water from the gallon. Your roommate threw a blanket over you one of these nights, and you had no energy to thank her.

You're surprised you haven't drowned in your own tears yet. Sometimes the pain is unbearable, your sobs shake your whole body, and you have to hold yourself to keep from falling apart. Other times the tears roll down your face slowly, soft sniffles making themselves known. The tears are gone today, instead they're replaced with an emptiness. You almost wish they'd come back.