lovelorn

nine

call out my name- the weeknd
shades of cool- lana del rey

unedited

comment; vote; enjoy

You can't bring yourself to look at him just yet, as you guys both sit facing your door. You know him well enough that you can tell he's nervous by the shakiness of his breath. You briefly wonder if Sarah knows these things about him, if she knows all his nooks and crannies, all his little habits and movements. You fucking doubt it.

"I didn't mean to do it." Is the first thing he says, a short statement. Simple, yet still confusing. Finally you look up at him, turning your head slightly to show him your perplexed facial expression. He tilts his head down and your eyes meet. The water you imagined was pooling in his eyes is there again now, so you guess you weren't imagining it after all. You hate that your heart sinks at the sight. He doesn't deserve it, not anymore.

You crack, "What didn't you mean to do, Harry?"

He shakes his head, obviously frustrated as he runs a hand through his cropped hair. You're still trying to get used to it. "Fuck, any of it. I didn't mean to meet her, I didn't mean to fucking love her. I didn't mean to propose to her, I was fucking drunk off my mind and it just...fell out of my mouth. I didn't want it, but in my hazy mind it sounded like a good idea. She's a really good girl, you know? Good for me, would never hurt me and I don't deserve her at all. I guess at the end of the night, she was just there, but when I sobered up I didn't fucking want it. I just didn't know how to tell her, she was so excited, already told her mother and her whole family," He pauses, chuckling slightly at himself. "I guess that's what I get for day drinking, huh?" You don't laugh, so with a sigh, he continues. "I was thinking of you and about how much I didn't want it, especially when I had you. But like I said, I guess at the end of it all, when I really thought about it she was there and you just-you weren't."

Especially when I had you.

She was there and you just weren't.

You have to physically bite your tongue to keep from screaming as you let him continue.

"I really don't know what it is about you, but you always have seemed so god damned unreachable to me. Like a fucking angel or some shit, one that's halfway between here and heaven and every time I reach out to touch you, you just disintegrate right before my eyes. It plays on a loop in my mind and it's my worst fucking nightmare."

It's funny, ironic even, how Harry can describe your feelings as if they are his own, because you don't believe that this is how he truly feels. You can see on his face that he's about to continue, but you don't let him. You raise to your knees and turn to face him, tears falling freely and face all red from crying. "I wasn't there? I wasn't there?! I have always been there for you, Harry. Even when you push me away, or ignore me. Even when you fight me, or hurt me repeatedly. Even when I fucking hate you for doing this to me! Even when I was the most important thing to you!"

"You still are! Fuck! That's what I'm trying to tell you!"

"You have such a fucking fucked up way of showing it! Marriage is a serious, life changing decision, Harry. It's not a fucking game of 'Eenie Meenie Minnie Moe, I'm gonna propose to her just because she's around!'"

"I proposed to her because I love her."

You ignore him and keep going. "I'm sorry, Harry. I'm so very sorry that I've had a life and a career and that for a few moments in time, my world didn't revolve around you. But you know that I was with you whenever I could be. You're my best friend and you have been for what feels like forever. And all I've wanted to do since I met you was be around you, but my career and my freedom mean more to me than the ability to follow you around on tour like a god damned lost dog like Sarah or whatever fucking new girl you were fucking every other month did. But don't you dare act like if you had called me and told me that you felt that way, I wouldn't have came running to you with open arms. That's no excuse for what you've done to me, and I really don't know what you want from me. If you want what I think you want, then I'm sorry, I promised myself that I wouldn't beg for you."