Black Roses

Mourning a Monster

We'd all stopped eating by now, and even Ron seemed to be slowing down on the bacon. I'd lost my appetite anyway, and the now cold piece of toast lay untouched on my plate. Clearly, I was far more interesting than food, my sarcastic mind jeered.

Hermione shuffled uncomfortably in her seat. "Ron's right you know..." she ventured.

I snorted. "When have you ever admitted to Ron being right?"

Crossing her arms over her chest, Hermione huffed indignantly. "I always give credit where credit is due," she snapped.

Ron snorted too, and was thrown a foul look that would have reduced anyone less thick-skinned to a pillar of salt. Not wanting to endure another argument, Harry hastily butted in.

"Guys - I think Hermione was going to say something. About... you know. And the sooner we get this over with the sooner we can stop having to wrap two layers of cushioning around ourselves every time we get within a two mile radius of Seamus."

This seemed to calm the pair down. I observed Harry carefully from behind Ginny's wildly gesticulating arm. I'd never really known him before the war, and I didn't really know him now. Of course, I knew all the stories, and I knew he was a hero, but I didn't know him. Not like Ron and Hermione and Ginny knew him.

I was jerked back into the real world when Ginny stopped her mad arm-waving and looked at me accusingly. "Well?" she asked.

"Wha - what?"

She rolled her eyes. "What are you going to do? About Seamus? To stop him from behaving like such a twat?"

"Um... nothing?" I responded. "Because that's what people do when they are informed that their ex has gone stark-raving mental."

Ron spluttered onto his plate. Hermione thumped him hard on the back, satisfaction at her questionable form of payback painted all over her face.

After a lot of thumping, Ron managed to gasp out a sentence. "Nothing? Nothing! That's not a bloody answer!"

"Unfortunately, Ron, that is my answer. I am going to completely ignore him unless forced into acknowledging his existence, at which point I will behave civilly and politely, before making my excuses to leave. Simple. No drama."

Ginny sniggered, and everyone turned to look at her. "What?" I said, eyebrows raised.

"Well," she chuckled. "It's just, we've been here talking about this for ages, and Seamus' been watching you ever since you came in, and you haven't even noticed!"

My eyes flickered involuntarily to the other end of the table. Ginny was wrong. I had noticed, but I had kept it hidden. What else was I supposed to do?

Yawning and stretching with a relaxed air that I did not feel, I leaned back slightly on the bench. "Why should I care?" I asked.

There was no reply, but I saw a look pass between Ginny and Hermione. I was good at reading looks, and I knew exactly what this one meant.

"I'm not going to talk to him." I stated.

Hermione jerked her head to look at me, surprised. I smiled at her. Ginny turned her head more slowly.

"I think you should," she said. "You can't just ignore what's been happening. I mean, you can't exactly deny that there isn't a load of tension between you two. What even happened yesterday?"

I groaned and shut my eyes, trying to prevent the flashback that suddenly gripped me, but it was no use

We were stood in the grounds, in the secret place I had found long ago that no one else ever went to. He was stood next to me, his presence strangely comforting.

The scent of the wildflowers that surrounded us filled the air, but the smell was delicate and sweet. The sun was setting, and twilight just beginning to set in.

Seamus turned his head to look at mine. I couldn't see him, but I sensed the movement. I let him look at me for a while, then I leaned my head on his shoulder.

He took my hand gently in his.

My breath quickened. He had never held my hand before. I felt stupidly scared, as if I wanted to pull my hand away and scream like a toddler, but I couldn't.

Then he tried to kiss me.

I pulled away, terrified and angry. I was shouting, shouting about how he took me for granted, shouting about how he didn't understand, and then he was shouting too, about how I was paranoid and never listened to him.

I told him to leave. I told him not to bother coming back.

He stormed off, confused and blind with fury.

I knew this wasn't about him, but I didn't know how to tell him.

How could I tell him that I still mourned for a monster?