The Agony of Wonder

What did? part 2

1. Like two waves that travel to the end of time, eventually time will end and there will be no more of anything or them, and essentially they are nowhere, but technically they never are. They become a void along with everything else. This is where everything and everyone is headed, nowhere. It is quite a paradox that death, the very thing that gives life meaning is the same thing that makes it meaningless. We and everything will all be gone, with no way for anyone to remember us. We will not matter at all, practically pointless, yet in life, everything has such great meaning, and there is such a rush to achieve, accomplish, obtain and fall in love because we only have so much time. I could die today or die in a hundred years and done nothing to change our final destination.

This fact could be depressing in some ways. It's like the ultimate form of stoicism. Not only do we accept the fact that we will one day die, but that one-day everything will die. But it's all kind of beautiful at the same time. You know how everyone can realize how beautiful a person is once they die? Well, image the universe (as in everything ever) dying. There is an unimaginable amount of beauty to morn.

2. A destination, something, nothing, are all words to describe a relative idea, not a definite state. If you think about how many ways you've used nothing... they're a lot of different levels of nothing. Imagine the deepest. Where nothing actually exists or ever did or will, where there is no space, no time, no awareness... It's mind-boggling. In my opinion, that's an existence (or non- existence) without God. Now, what exactly is a destination? We can arrive at a lot of different places in life and so can the universe but they are all essentially just stops or markers along the way, never final destinations. If the universe does end, that's the true definition of a destination but is pretty irrelevant to our human existence because we won't be aware at that time and can't comprehend that length of time from now.

But what if the universe never ends. Maybe our universe will, but what if it's impossible to stop time from happening and if there is always time there are infinite possibilities for unimaginable things to happen that will never stop. Then nothing has a destination, the waves never truly disappear, and all destinations are relative. So ours is too. So is somewhere a vague enough answer to say somewhere but I don't know, but the fact that we've made it this far and overcome as many insanely unlikely probabilities so far makes us incredibly lucky.

First, there had to be a God or anything at all (the same thing if you really think about it). I think it's reasonable to assume that there could have been nothing instead of something. I don't know what the chances of that are, but it is a gamble we won.

If we really, really tried to make sense of the likelihood of us falling in love, the chances were incredibly slim. Then there had to be a functioning universe, with the right amount of precisely tuned forces and the right amount of matter and energy, etc. which theoretically could have been whipped up wrong and collapsed quickly ( like a bad batch of a recipe messing up a cake.) But that didn't happen. The next way we got lucky was that there was a livable planet, which as we can see in the billions of lightyears around us is incredibly rare. Then we had to maintain safe and livable conditions to evolve long enough to become intelligent enough to experience sophisticated emotions like romantic love. Then, there was a chance that all our family lines met up and reproduced in the way they did to create our parents, and the chance that our parents met and conceived. And there's the incredibly slim chance that out of the millions of sperms and eggs we turned out to be us and that the souls we were born with are the ones that connect like ours. Then there's the chance of us surviving long enough to meet each other and the chance of us meeting each other (which was quite serendipitous). And there's even a chance of whether or not love will happen. So us happening on any level is extremely unlikely and rare which makes it seem special and meant to be.

But technically you could say that about everyone who falls in love and be right.

What did happen, was the universe played its cards relatively in favor of us.

I hope our luck could run just a smidge longer. 

I guess the chances of us staying in love is where we lost our first gamble. It's like we came so far...

But maybe I should have considered a third, less extreme answer to my burning question: What is our destination? 

3. Here

Here is a convoluted mess of incompleteness, lack of resolution and loose ends. But it is final in a sense. It can be fully seen. It can be accepted. There is no waiting for anything else to happen, or wondering what's supposed to. Our destination is here, no matter how fucked up it is. Maybe here is the only true and comprehensible destination anyone could have. I am not pleased with my destination at the moment but I know it is ever evolving. 

My destination is agony. 

The wonder has ceased at last but the agony remains. 

And it cuts deeper now that all the hope and optimism wonder held is dead. 

My reality has been flipped on its head.

My destination is here. Here is agony.