Anxiety Theory

Eyes on Me

Sometimes people step up when they see their loved ones are afraid.

Flaky has three deadbolts on their front door, two of which only unlock from the inside. They installed the whole door themself, with the strongest and longest screws they could find, as well as upping the security of their windows, but they still didn't feel safe in their own home. Lammy couldn't say she was in much of a better predicament. Some days paranoid delusions leave her unable to do anything but lay on the ground.

"Half the time it's people I let in," Flaky tells Lammy at their weekly get together. Lammy nods and swallows the gulp of drink she brought along. This is their show of camaraderie- Finding time to spend together and vent their frustrations without going completely out of their comfort zones. Any other day they'd be afraid of each other, afraid of what they could do to each other if they ever get pushed far enough. Times like this are the only times when she and her neighbors get to be relieved of the constant stress of wondering when the next person will turn on them.

"I was doing so well before I came here," Lammy groans, tugging on her sweater sleeves. "I was on my meds, I was going to therapy. Now, no matter what I do to help myself I know the same things will happen. Sometimes I wanna stop, like giving in will make me safer. It feels like this town just validates my paranoia..."

"You and I both know that's not validation," Flaky reaches a hand forward, but stops just short of Lammy's. "Before I moved back here, sometimes I would just sit somewhere and it'd be like dread was dripping down my back. I'd jump up thinking I'd forgotten something nonexistent, or just feel vaguely ominous like- I don't know what like, because at the end of the day nothing was really wrong. But here, everything is exactly what it feels like. That's torture."

"I think... even if I could leave, I wouldn't." Lammy picks her words carefully like plucking each petal from a flower. "This place has facilitated so many of my delusions. I can get all the help in the world, but if I'm not even sure of what I'm sure of. I don't want to hurt someone where they won't come back. I wouldn't risk taking this curse somewhere else." She sighs through her nose, taking a moment to gather herself. "I couldn't leave my life behind, anyway." Familiarity is too comfortable.

Flaky lays their head on the table. "I'll go wherever you go, you know." It's not the first time they've said that.

Lammy finally places her hand in theirs. "I know."

Going to the carnival was a mistake.

Of course it was, anyone with half a brain knew it was a death trap. Unfortunately, in this town, you don't get any control. As innocent as wanting to have fun is, what seems like a dumb decision in hindsight means nothing when you're under a curse that makes you make life-endangering decisions.

Flaky, always being where the trouble is, freezes as the stench of blood fills their senses. Everything was fine seconds ago, and as they begin to have a hard time taking in air they can only think of how this could have been avoided, how they should've just stayed home. They can't see past the blurred vision of their tears, all they can feel is the guts on their boots and the sound of maniacal laughter. They know, somewhere in the distance, that Flippy is getting set off. Poor man, but his feelings don't matter when it's their life on the line. Through it all, Flaky can only hope it'll be quick.

A hand grips Flaky's arm. They squeeze their eyes shut. "Hey," a familiar voice calls to them, "Let's get out of here." It's barely a fearful whisper, and Flaky finally opens their eyes to see the shaky gaze of their equally panicked dear friend. Lammy slides her hand down to grip their's and drags them away. They'll get away unseen, just this once.

They aren't free. Certainly, anything can happen between now and home- but they're together. That's all they need.

It's the middle of the night.

Lammy has been pretending to be asleep in her bedroom for hours now. She's scared, scared of what she's sure is there, and can't bear to look at. The spector, the one who hurts her and her friends, is motionless. She can feel the burn of eyes boring into the back of her scalp, her mind filling empty space with the murderess man she's seen time and time again.

She's shaking, but she manages to slowly grab her phone and start typing. There's only one thing she can do to feel safe, to confirm or deny her paranoia. A shaky shot and a blurry photo later, and she's sent it off with the question, 'What do you see?' Minutes pass without a response, and after waiting long enough her nerves get the best of her and she hits the call button. The rings go on forever, and just when she thinks they won't pick up it connects, Flaky's groggy voice coming through. "What..." is all they say, a reasonable greeting for a midnight call.

"Check your texts," comes the rushed response. Lammy says nothing else, and Flaky doesn't respond except the thumping of her thumbs. A moment later comes the confirmation. "There's nothing there." A sigh of relief on her side, but the shaking hasn't subsided. It's easier to live with the feeling knowing he isn't really there, but she's still scared.

"Will you... stay on the phone with me? Just for a little bit." A tired sigh comes from the other side of the phone. "Okay, what do you want to talk about?"

Flaky stays awake long after Lammy goes silent.

"Um, let's go for a walk?" Flaky hates walking aimlessly, and the fact she would suggest such a thing sounds crazy. Lammy goes along with it though, because she has nothing to lose except the usual.

It's surprisingly peaceful. They don't say anything as they cross the neighborhood. Lammy tries to take in the quiet nature of the town as they walk, listening to birds sing, to the soft wind. It's nice for once. She can't help but think about how long it'll last.

They cross a street (and don't get hit, wow), pass the business district, down the railroad. Thirty minutes of silence and walking, until they stop at a nearby stream. Flaky kicks a rock, and Lammy looks into the stream from afar. Maybe she'll spot some tadpoles if she looks hard enough. Flaky breaks the silence first. "You know I love you, right?"

This time, she reaches for Flaky's hand first. "Yeah, I know."