"In My Head"

She Is (An Ingenious Club Short Story)

I eyed the nameplate suspiciously cutting my eyes at the woman sitting behind the desk periodically. Rebecca M. Chass, PhD.  She cleared her throat and raised a perfectly sculpted eyebrow in question before tapping the desk in front of her.

            "I asked you to describe Sofie in two words. Can you do that? Or just start with talking about what you're feeling?" she asked me.

Cold, I thought to myself. The metal frame of the chair was cold against my legs, despite the fact that I'd been sitting there for nearly ten minutes. Goosebumps riddled my entire body, making me regret wearing a dress today of all day, though I hadn't made my wardrobe selection with the idea of sitting a frigid office in mind.

"How much longer is this going to take? I came to school to be "educated", not to talk about my feelings," I huffed impatiently.

            "As long as it needs to. I'm doing this to help you Danica," she attempted to reassure me. "Two words, whenever you're ready."

She leaned back in her chair, tapping her pen against the desk periodically. As I sat at the edge of my seat, I clinched my teeth against the agitation of her relaxed posture.

            "Fat loser."

            "Excuse me?"

            "Two words I'd use to describe Sofie Catford? Fat loser." I shrugged.

            "Really? You can't think of anything more...fitting to describe her?"

            "I was going to say fat whore, but I felt that it might be inappropriate. If you'd rather we can go with 'just fat'."

            "You'll have to excuse me, but I find it hard to believe that with your vocabulary the best you can come up with is fat loser," Dr. Chass chastised.

            "Sorry, I didn't realize I was taking a vocabulary test."

            "Do you think that being called names like those might be the reason she did this?" she questioned.

            "Absolutely not. She did this for attention, plain and simple. You know despite what you may have been told, Sofie is far from a saint. And she spent the majority of her time doing the bullying, not being bullied."

            "Even if that were true, you don't think being called fat, or a loser, or a whore can wear on a person's self-esteem?"

            "You're the shrink," I deadpanned, "You tell me."

            "So how would you feel being called one of those names?"

            "I'm not fat, or a loser, or a whore, so why should I let it bother me. Proverbs 12:16 says "A fool's anger is known at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult." Allowing the lesser beings of this ignorance infested institution to make me feel inferior would make me a fool. Do I look like a fool to you Dr.?"

            "Not at all. In fact, you look rather put together for someone who just lost a classmate, and former friend," she sighed. "And I didn't mean for you to clutter your sentences with colorful descriptive words."

            "Former, being the key word here," I replied, ignoring her comment about my word choice. I eyed her perfect makeup, and freshly died hair in contempt. "The fact that we were friends is a trifle. Besides, if I were to wear my emotions on my sleeve, who would that help?"

            "I don't think you're taking this seriously Danica. One of your classmates just killed herself."

            "Look, Dr. Chass, the only person responsible for Sofie's actions, is Sofie. Nobody forced her up to that roof, and I'm quite certain nobody pushed her. Since the moment the imbecilic prick who runs this school sent out that preposterous distress call all people have done is share the happy, loving, beautiful memories they have of Sofie. This school became a shrine overnight, every student organization in existence insists on hold their own vigil, and her band of bozos are more relevant than ever. Sofie was a highly intellectual being, but she couldn't even tie her shoes without making a show of it. Her suicide is just the climax in her meticulously planned scheme. The fallout is the grand finale. You're giving her exactly what she's always wanted."

            "And what's that, Danica?"

            "To be the center of everyone's attention. To be the star of the show. To be immortalized! Forever remembered as the smart, beautiful, intelligent young woman who had no reason to kill herself and every reason to live."

            "You don't regret the way you treated her while she was alive? If you could say one last thing to her, what would it be?"

            "That she is ingenious, and I wish I'd have thought of it first."