Head Over Boots (Clexa AU)

Chapter 5: Thaw

This was one of those days where Clarke wondered what the hell she was still doing on the ranch. Yet another winter storm was rolling through, and each gust of wind cut through her layers as if she were naked. Ice pellets stung her cheeks like a thousand tiny knives. She imagined back home was already preparing for spring, but here, it seemed like it would never come.

Clarke knew she could just go inside to warm up. She was sure that if she asked, she could go into Lexa's room and turn on the space heaters and pile five blankets onto herself and bask in the warmth for as long as she dared. She was sure that she didn't even have to ask. She had just done it, plenty of times, before all of that shit had happened between them.

That familiar pang of hurt struck her again, just like it had done ever since she had woken up that morning to find out that Lexa didn't care about her as much as she had thought. Clarke had been broken up with before, plenty of times, but this had by far been the worst. It hadn't just been the abruptness of it, or the finality, or even their blurry existence as both working together and falling into bed together.

Clarke had thought they had something genuine, something profound. She knew how good of partners they were, encouraging each other to grow, to let loose, to laugh, to persist even when everything seemed difficult. And that's what she didn't understand about Lexa. How could Lexa give up on them like that?

The ranch. Of course it was all about the ranch. Lexa would do anything for it, even sacrifice the feelings she had for Clarke. But Clarke knowing that hadn't made it hurt any less. It hadn't lessened the sting that Lexa had suddenly ended what was developing between them. Besides, firing her was just so unnecessary . Clarke had been freaked out too when she had looked at the finances, but no problem was insurmountable. They just needed time to figure it out.

Another gust hit her, reminding Clarke that she was literally just standing in the middle of a snowy field, staring into nothing. The herd was there (what little was left of it), but she wasn't watching them. She had been doing this a lot lately.

Part of her still couldn't believe that she had taken the job back. Part of her wondered if she just wanted to suffer, if she thought that living in the same house as someone who tore her heart out was her idea of a good time.

But she remembered her dismally low bank balance. She imagined going home to her mom months before she had told her she would and having to explain why she hadn't made it to the end of her contract. Most of all, she remembered what it had been like to sit in the cabin that day, watching the sky turn dark and wondering why Lexa hadn't returned from the pastures. How she had tried to bury her worry under excuses of indifference and downright hostility-- Lexa could take care of herself. Lexa knew what she was doing. Lexa had made it very clear that she didn't need her help. If anything happened to her out there, Lexa deserved it.

But she hated herself for those thoughts, and they only prompted her to most faster. She was already putting on her thermals and sweaters, already zipping up her coat and tying her boots. She had her horse saddled in minutes, a searchlight in her hand, and they galloped out into the night.

It had been so foolish, going out on her own like that. Why hadn't she called Anya or at least left a note in case someone came looking for them? But her drive to find Lexa, her belief that something had happened to her, had forced all sense out of her head. As the snow swirled around her in a disorienting cloud, she just followed the trail through the drifts, swung the searchlight from side to side looking for the herd, looking for Lexa, looking for hope. The cry of relief that she released when she had seen Daenerys had been beyond her control.

And seeing Lexa laying in the snow, almost unconscious, almost gone... Clarke could feel nothing except for her unstoppable need to make sure she was safe.