only one who knows

The Night

We drank, it was hot (really hot) outside and that seemed like the right thing to do.

As every young lad, we were affraid. Of course we were affraid. He was older than me, yes, but it was fear all the same.
I knew he didn't want to hurt me, or at least I liked to believe so. We were insecure and dumb. We just did what we could do at the time and what probably anyone in our situation would do. We were waiting for something to break the circle and we found ourselves seeking for liberation in each other. Liberation from what? From our fears. Because we bleed just to know that someone else is able to show us some of their humanity.

He climbed in his four and started kissing me and teasing my body. I was too confused to care, and maybe I didn't even care in the end. I wanted to prove him and everybody that I was sufficiently grown up.

He sucked my ear lobule passionately while his finger gently circled my bellybutton under my crop top. I felt sorta embarrassed to such new feelings in parts of my body I'd never even think of and I think he noticed it, because I felt the tickles of a warm breath that was expelled from a low laughter on my neck. I grabbed his arms. I wanted to take hold of him and never let him go. I wanted to feel the body of whose mouth was on mine. I wanted to know that he was there and wouldn't suddenly fade away. He gently sucked my neck, with love and passion and I let a small, oppressed moan escape from my mouth.

“Don't be embarrassed. I love those little sounds you make.” he said with a soft voice.

He kept kissing and letting a trail of small kisses on my sensitive skin until he found my collarbone. When he reached there, he started sucking softly. Again, he went down to the collar of my shirt while his hand slowly travelled under my clothes. He stopped at the feeling of my muscles tensing up.

“Are you sure you wanna do this?” he whispered in the dark.

Of course, I wanted to tell him, but something stopped me. I wanted, didn't I? Come on, just tell him.

Even though he couldn't see me, I noded.

“Look, you don't need to do this if you don't want to.” he said in a soft murmur, close to my face. I could feel his warm breath on my lips.

“I do, okay? I just—” I paused for a second.

“You were going to say something. Say it.”

“Is just that you can't ask me that. Nobody is ever sure when doing these things, Roger. It's just, let it be and see how it goes.” I replied. “Besides, I will finally prove everyone that—”

“Prove what, huh?” he straightened his posture and his voice grew a little louder. I couldn't see his features clearly, but I could feel his eyes piercing mine “You have nothing to prove. If you're doing this it's because you want to. And that's all I wanna know.”

He lowered his voice again and sighed.

“I don't wanna hurt you.” he whispered, looking down.

I sat on the bed, close to him, combed my fingers through his silk, soft hair. I took his face in my hand and he nuzzled in my palm.

“You're not going to hurt me” I murmured “I'll be okay...”

He gently shifted me and sat me on his lap. Then he looked at me through the darkness and the orange lamp lights that came from the open window as I did so too. I leaned my forehead against his, wanting to enjoy every moment of this kind and sweet Rog.

“We'll be okay.” I finished, kissing him on the nose.

He gave me a kiss in the corner of my mouth and returned to my neck.

“I love you so much.” he whispered against my skin “You have no idea of how much I've wanted this.”

I blushed and hugged him tightly as he pulled down the fabric from my shoulder and started kissing me.

“I love you too, Rog.” I whispered back.

--/-/--

The hours passed and we made passionate love. He kissed all my body and made sure to be gentle with me all the time. Sometimes he would whisper sweet things in my ear that would make me blush and face away. When we were done, we cuddled and listened to the sounds of the sleeping city outside the window.

“You are beautiful. I don't deserve you.” He said, kissing the shell of my ear.

“Shut up.” I faced him and felt the heat in my cheeks. “D'you think the others heard us?”

“Dunno. And honestly, I hope they did, because you have such a lovely voice.”

“Stop!” I smiled “But it'd be a shame to have to face them tomorrow morning if they've listened to all this orchestra.”

“Y'know” he started “I don't fucking care about tomorrow or about the others. I'm here with you now and there's no other place where I'd like to be. I don't care about anything else.”

We were quiet for a moment, until something hit my head.

“Wait, I have an idea!” I said, standing up from the bed and walking to his records collection. “Let's listen to some music.”

I chose a Blues LP and put in on the record player in low volume.

“Oof,” he sighed “it's been a minute since I've last listened to this.” He said, taking me in his arms as I came back to the bed.

We stopped talking for a moment just enjoying the music and he started to pet my hair.

“Are you tired?” He asked.

“Not even a bit.”

“So what d'you wanna do now?”

“Talk. I love to hear your voice.” I whispered, caressing his lips with my finger.

He took my finger in his mouth sucking it gently, which made me blush even more and hide my face in the crook of his neck.

“Aw, luv, don't be shy.” I felt his vocal cords vibrate as he said so.

“You aren't smoking. Why?” I asked, suddenly remembering that he was a smoker.

“Because I don't want you to breathe it. I don't mind spending some time without a cigarette between my lips.» He played with my locks while talking and again I felt his vocal cords vibrate.

“That's not true. You ran out of cigarettes!” I said in a ‘haha, busted’ kind of tone, pointing my finger to his face.

“Ok, you're right.” I rolled my eyes “But! I still care about your health. That's why I don't like to smoke near you.”

“Oh, come on. When I'm in the studio with the four of you the only thing I can see is the smoke in the air. That's not even an excuse.”

“Of course it is. We shouldn't smoke in bed. It makes your bedclothes smell of nicotine. S'not very pleasant.” he said, seeming actually true.

We talked about many things. About our childhood, about life and death, the stars, the moon and, of course, about music. I don't know for how long we talked, but we shared many emotions there. We laughed and cried and cuddled a bit more until we fell asleep.