Leave Me Wanting More- Dansby Swanson

Chapter 20- How To Kiss A Boy

Chapter 20- Evie

"So close your eyes, You better hold on tight, You can't help but feel destroyed, Love's innocence disappears, Eyes filing up with tears, That's how to kiss a boy, How to kiss a boy, Oh lean your head back, Part your lips, Brace yourself, It comes down to this, It shouldn't hurt, Shouldn't make you wish, You never kissed, Never kissed a boy."  How To Kiss A Boy- LeAnn Rimes

I lug my suitcase up the stairs and use the keys in my pocket to open the front door to my apartment.  I've lived here for over four years, and have never felt more at home, or loved a place more.  Until today.  Now it feels flat and 2 dimensional, unwelcoming.  Not me.  Everything feels that way, cold and distant.  Like I don't belong here anymore.  I need warmth and lazy days with the sun on my skin and a hand creeping up my thigh while I try to read. 

The apartment smells stale, un-lived in for the last few weeks.  My cat sitter came and feed Noodles but she didn't stay long enough to make it feel like someone actually lived here.  I take assessment and make a mental list of things to do before I unpack.  Turn the heat up, open the curtains, dust, and pour a glass of wine.  Wine and music, that will take away the doldrums, it's too early to be drinking but screw it!

I work quickly through my housework and sit on my fluffy bed with wine and a new playlist.  Dirty Pop I title it and set it to shuffle.  No sad songs here, all upbeat, dance music, just the thing to get me back into the swing of things. 

The last hanger hits the closet rod when I hear the timer go off on my dinner in the oven.  I take my glass and pad to the kitchen to sit at the bar and eat.  Somehow, after the pop music and several glasses of wine, I still feel the unrest that plagues me.  Tears spring to my eyes.  I want to be angry, to hate Dansby, wish I had never met him at the very least.  But I can't, those two and a half weeks on the island with him were magical.  They were the kind of weeks that make you believe in love and marriage. 

And for a girl who's parents were ripped apart because of death and watching the aftermath of that, I had certainly lost the interest in setting myself up for that sort of misery.  Yet here I am, right in the midst of it. 

A small part rejoices that maybe one day, after all this hurt is gone, maybe I will finally find a man who will stay and I can make a life of love with him.  Now that I know how good it can be, I'm longing for that day.  Lily's quest certainly makes more sense now. 

As if I conjured her by thoughts alone, she knocks on my door.  I twist the lock and fling it open to welcome her in, hopefully she can clear the flatness here and make me feel better. 

"You didn't even ask who it was."  She marches in as she speaks. 

"I knew it was you, I didn't have to."  She rounds on me her face flares with anger. 

"How could you, you didn't ask.  Seriously, Evie, you wanna get murdered in your own apartment?  How could you be so stupid."  Her anger is clear in the sharpness behind her words.  Our eyes meet and tears spring to both sets.  "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry, please forgive me."  She pulls me in before I can tell her that there's no need. 

Her comforting hand alternates between pats and rubs to my back.  It feels familiar and strange all at the same time.  Familiar because it's the exact action I want right now, strange because Lily's hand is far too small to be the hands I truly want to carry out this action.  I break down into sobs.  Two and a half weeks was just long enough to completely give away my heart and have it thrown back at me without a care. 

"I'm so sorry, Ev, you forgive me?"  Lily begs.  I snort a laugh mixed with a sob. 

"It's not you, Lil.  I swear, it's me.  It this city, this apartment, it's just wrong.  I don't feel at home here now.  And I don't know what to do because he... he doesn't want me.  So how do I go back to being me when all I want is to be us?"  Her hands smooth my hair behind my ears and her eyes stay locked with mine.  I see it, written on her face, she feels the exact same way.