Skeletons

Darkness Fades Away

Gerard P.O.V

Waking up is the hardest part.

My head is resting on something cold, my knuckles are bruised and my head throbs a pain I haven't felt for a while. Guilt cages my stomach, I'd been drinking last night. I fell asleep in my chair last night, again, in front of the computer. My eyelids feel like magnets as I pull them apart, they're red and watering, I'm so drained and I've only just woken up.

I look around through blurry morning vision and the mess I've become drowns me, there's smashed glasses on the floor and torn up pieces of paper, a necklace. I'm too tired to take anything in. I guess me and Linds had a fight last night. Well it wouldn't be the first.

Things haven't been okay recently, I haven't been okay, that much is obvious. Everything's changing and I still feel like a thirty year old stuck in a loop of teenage depression. And I know I'm being paranoid and thing's arent that bad, only things have been strange between me and Linds, I don't know how to talk to her, we're so distant. I've started to break off relationships with good people and stay in my study all day. 

I'm so isolated it drives me insane.

I guess I just miss the band. I don't know. I feel pathetic that I could miss someone this much. I hate the shipping the most, I hate how I was in love with someone who kissed me for the teenage girls and made dirty jokes for the camera for me and I hate how it was all fake, a joke, like he said. 

But, believe me, there were moments where nothing ever felt more real than him. 

Nothing feels like that anymore. His breathe against my skin making me shiver.

Nothing ever stays and I'm numb again.

We haven't spoken since the breakup, nothing has been the same since then.

I can't remember anything from last night. I turn to my daughter, who I've only just noticed, she's running around my study, stamping.

'Morning B. Where's Mama?' I ask through a cracked voice, I must've been shouting last night. I feel the self hatred seeping into my head again. I hate Bandit seeing me like this.

She stops and whispers that she can't tell me. I sigh, rub my eyes and put a hand on her shoulder,

"We don't keep secrets." I say softly. She looks at me, tilts her head and makes a zipping motion over her mouth. I sigh again and head to the kitchen to get some coffee.

The coffee is nice. I don't feel good though, there's something in the back of my mind that I can't reach, something happened last night. Fuck. I'm slipping back into self destructive habits and there's no one here to catch me anymore. That's what happens when you grow up, everyone else comes first, there isn't time for your problems anymore.

I take another sip before switching on my phone. I tweet and scroll not really paying attention, just begging for a distraction. I walk into the bedroom.

I open my wardrobe and decide to wear whatever I can find, I have no energy. I head for the mirror, that's when I notice the room around me.

The curtains have been pulled down and there are clothes on the floor by our bed, dirty shoe marks on the carpet. A Misfits band shirt, I had no idea Linds was into them, scruffy jeans, odd socks. This place is a mess. Everything seems to be, today.

In the study, I turn on the computer and collapse into my chair. While I wait, I take an impatient sip of coffee and it burns my tongue. I get bored quickly and open a draw.

In the draw is a pair of finger less gloves and next to it is a letter in a black envelope I have never opened.

The top of the envelope is ripped open. God I hate that, just open it properly. It takes a while to process what I can see.

My vision goes blurry as I start to remember shots of last night. I try push the thoughts from my mind but it fails. My heart is beating faster and things are coming together in my head.

I gasp as Bandit taps my shoulder. She's covered in paint.

"I'll tell you.", she takes a deep breath and I don't want her to say it, I don't want the waves of anxiety to hit me this early, I don't need the guilt. Please.

"Mama went see Uncle Frankie."

This was the first time I'd ever experienced time slowing down and if you haven't, good. Trying to explain it's impossible. Just that everything is silent. 

The kind of silent that could kill you.

My heart thuds and my lungs feel like they are in my throat. All I can think of are a million questions which jumble the more I try and form them.The room swirls and my mouth is dry. I feel sick. I hate myself for doing this is front of Bandit, I breathe in and out.

I sit back, clear my mind. I press my fingers to my temples and try to remember anything I can. I tell Bandit to go into the kitchen and wash the paint off her face.

Then something in my brain moves and flashes of yesterday stop my breathing. I remember being shoved against a wall and screaming. I scan my brain but I can't remember anymore and I'm shaking and I'm crying and I feel like screaming but I can't and god I'm crying. I'm crying because I miss him and I'm crying because I've realised.

Those clothes at the bottom of the bed weren't Lindsey's, they were Franks.

Waking up is the hardest part.