unhanging

i'm hurting (i hurt you)

there's reminders of you everywhere
that's why (i'm thinking) i'll fly away
to a city where no one knows my name --

(of) tomatoes ripening in the greenhouse
summer squash like small suns
in our hands. i'm trying to grow
you should know that by now (the whys)
but i'm knotted in love, tied like my mum was
to her mother's apron strings. and

you're right: i shut you out but (didn't you know?) i'll always
leave a key for you, (couldn't you come home to me just once?)

i hung out our bathers to dry
in the greenhouse your grandfather built.
we played like children in the seas that we
learnt to swim in. vanilla ice cream and
sunsets like candied apples bobbing in the ocean.

we sat in the house i used to pass in a pram scrumpy barking the whole way

do you want to grow with me?
can you show me how?

i wish you could see me
for all that i am. rolling tobacco
by the tomato vines, chilli peppers
shining like rubies and amber
watching you in the sunshine
(why is it not enough for me?)

when will i see you again
(will we ever be ready)
could we ever
have a baby and all those things
(just ask)
riding down the lanes with you,
walking by the green water with you.

(could there ever be a way?)

the mice climbed the borage flowers
and we watched mystified, the stars
above us, cold in the night grass.
(show me how to see them again) 

(2nd January 2022)