Worthless hidden scars (My self harm story)

Butterfly fly away

Pressing 'Ctrl' and 'V' on my keyboard I copied and pasted a page called 'The butterfly project' to him. He wanted to know a way to help me through my evil addiction. But even after him finally getting his head around what I do he still never really knew why I cut myself.  Despite everything I put him through though, he still wanted to help me fight against my scars and craving.

"That's beautiful" he typed after I had sent the link, I smiled at my laptop.. I only ever really smiled when I was talking to him, for some reason he made me feel warm and made my cravings hack at my brain less. The butterfly project is simple.. When you feel like you want to cut, you draw butterfly where you wish to harm and call it the name of someoe who means alot to you. If you cut before the butterfly fades, it dies. But if another person draws a butterfly on you they're extra special. You guard those with your life. "You should let me draw your butterfly" he insisted. I wanted him to offer that, I had wanted him to draw my butterfly all along, so I agreed almost immediately. With him wanting to draw my butterfly I thought to myself 'He must know he's special to me, other wise why would he offer?' The same questions swam through my head all night.. 'Maybe I mean something to him?' ...  'No, hes past me. He deserves someone better, someone prettier.. Someone happy.' With only being able to arrange a date two days later, he made me promise not to cut and to pretend the butterfly was there. Obviously, I broke that promise.

Waking up the next morning I couldn't wait to go back to sleep again, knowing that tomorrow was the day I got my butterfly. It made me feel much more 'happier'. During that day I got so stressed, mainly because I hadn't had my usual dose of releif.. When I finally got home I had a very normal tiff with my mum, which always ended up in me storming up stairs. So I decided to run a bath, which was hopefully a way to try and forget everything that had happened that day and focus on tomorrow. It was so fustrating and painful. I felt as though I could feel my craving hack away at my brain cells 'hack, hack, hack'. Screeming for their food, the sight of my blood. Shaking my head trying to come away from my  trance I realized the bubbles of my Radox were nearly reaching the top. I locked the door, pulled off my covering clothes and reveiled my scars. Slowly stepping into the bath I took a deep breath in, I knew my bath was too hot I still carried on. If I wasn't alowed cut, I could at least suffer a little burning pain, right?.. Hesitating a little, I lay back, letting the radox seap down my shoulders. After my 30 minute of 'relaxation' time had passed I finally re-focused and realized I had been in a deep trance all along. But as all of a sudden, I forgot where I was and all I was thinking about was cutting and him.

I looked down at my arm to see that some of my cuts had faded. My head pounded and this time I couldn't cope. Without any hesitation or thought I grabbed my enemy once more, and did what I had craved for the past day. Cutting. I was cutting more frantic than usual as I was in pure desperation for my cuts to come back. Furious at my choice to cut, I carved a butterfly onto my wrist in hope that my terror addiction could end. I collapsed onto the floor and began to weap. I felt so guilty for giving in, even though I didn't have the butterfly on my wrist yet. I felt worthless.  I failed this small task like I fail everything. Every little bit of hope I had, vanished. But yet again I still managed to build up the courage to stand up, dry my teared blood pools, and make my way to bed. All I did was think about the next day. I lay silent in my memory-foam bed thinking 'how could I tell him that I had failed?'  I could I admit that I had well and truly let him down? Thankfully I soon fell asleep and entered my dream wrold, which often filled with nightmeres. The morning came. The morning I never thought would come. The morning he drew my butterfly.